Girls, Girls, that Monkey Head may not look riveting but trust me walk NOT away.

The Sleeping Swimmer opened her eyes for one brief moment.

"I was out with wee Menschy the Mobkey last night. After two weeks of being in this boring show together he finally talked me into a date. Now look at me, he took me swimming to the pool on the roof of his Deluxe Chelsea Condo and Ravished me with a Capital R for hours. Ooh, the joy of his soft fuzzy beard, he tickled me all over with it. I am beat, I don't have the energy even to get dressed. I told the gallery owner I was taking the day off, but he insisted I was in the show as usual so I said ok but I am staying like this I just want to drool and dream about my hot night with Menschy the Monkey, yummieeee. Ladies, he get's a 10, make that 110."

And with that, she closed her eyes and went back to sleep the pool water still dripping on her damp shoulders.

"See," said Menschy,"you too could experience a Night of Pure Joy. Who wants to meet at the Rooftop Pool of my Chelsea digs tonight?"

We all three looked at each other.

The Doc stepped forward. 8pm she said boldly.

"You got it babe. Be there or be square and bring your La Perla Cossie, for some after hours fun." Menschy looked thrilled at the thought of a new conquest .

"Doc, he will probably drag you up to the pool by your hair and you just got expensive highlights, are you sure you want to go through with this?"

"So you think just you are to have adventures, we can review my Monkey Date next week, I am getting tired of talking of your disappointments time for some of my own! Didn't you see the Swimmer, she looked blissed out , I need some of that action. Monkey or not, I'll take it."
With that she stormed out the Gallery tossing her card at the Monkey, who hid it in his beard with a smug grin.

"Wait, wait, Doc, we have Ai Wei Wei Sunflowers still to do, just one more show, this is the Biggey!"

We scampered off into the fresh night air and this time it was my best pal that had the smile on her face.

Linda whined , I have seen enough art, how about Nap Time or a hot chocolate?

Aww come on, look at this lovely Monkey. It is all alone and needs some love too.
We all three gazed at the weird monkey. What was it?
Mr Monkey tell us about you, I asked him.
" Aahh you mean me," smiled the Monkey, " I am the Ultimate Primal Man, I am a Manly Monkey. A night with me and you will have the time off your life! I always cover the check, taxis and other MissAl Expenses, but once I get you home, I demand many hours of sex and I don't take no for an answer. Plus I can tickle you behind your ears with my feet, beat that. Now I know all three are free for The Day of Horrors, you Princess, let me put you out of your misery this year and we can go wild! You in? Doc? Yoga Hamptons Girl? Anyone? Hurry and decide, who is it to be?"
Well this monkey head took us quite aback with his bold, ballsy confidence.

Yoga Girl he is all yours, after lugging Morris around all last week, I am not getting stuck carrying a Monkey Head around, my name is already dirt in several cafes in the East Village. Fuggettaboutit.
I very kindly surrendered my opportunity for a Dream Date to my girlfriend. I hope this is appreciated, Eastyoga, you get the Monkey, I told you it is easy to find love in the City! Swap FB coordinates and let's go.

But The Dots just reminded me of a very sore topic, you know who!

Girls let's Skeedaddle, no offense Damien, but these Dots are bringing back painful memories. I am out of here, pronto, let's catch another hot show. At least we can catch shows, if we can't quite master boys or Muppets! Hurry the galleries close soon.

Mr Guard, are we allowed to take a photo right here

I was not wanting any heads to roll on my behalf.
"Dinna fret lassie, as long as you are IN the photo, Damien allows it. Do you want me to take it ? "
Trust Damien Hirst to come up with a way to allow his paintings to be broadcast across the globe and get all this free publicity and Hoo Ha from this here world famous blog.

Linda, we could not resist showing you The Dots!

Five minutes later at Gagosian on 24th, we were back against our favorite show. Damien Hirst The Dots.
They were just as impressive. The odd thing was everyone was taking Profile Pics all over the show and the Guards were doing nothing about it! They must have been told the more profile pics the more paintings will be sold, who knows!

Despite DeBuffet's failing eyesight , is this painting not remarkable?

I tried my usual diversionary tactics.
But, she fired back in,"Well another day of Extreme Loneliness, Humiliation and Feeling Sorry for yourself is it? Surely this will not be the 6th Day of Horrors spent alone again!
You should cancel your JDate and Match subscriptions and buy a painting instead as something is not working for you, or maybe it is just you! You know the Psychoanalyst Society offer half price sessions during this Day of Horrors period." She smiled but it was more about getting that perfect Facebook shot than real sympathy for Moi.
"Ggrrrr! You are so comforting sometimes! Nice to know I have someone on my side. We are supposed to be focusing on DeBuffet today, remember", I growled.

Linda piped in,"Can't you spare her just this week. Cut her some slack and me too. I have my Netflicks Agenda all planned out for The Day of Horrors, Appetizer Downton Abbey, entree Portlandia and Pudding,Curb Your Enthusiasm, by the time I get through that pile, The Day of Horrors will be over." she smiled triumphantly.

"Quick Girls, the Guards are in the other room, say SEX.

This always produces a smile, one must never lose hope!
A moment later the Doc was back to her old quizzing tactics.
"So Princess, now that Old Morris the Muppet is Number one on your Shit List Parade, spill the beans, any plans for The Day of Horrors. It fast approacheth, as I know , we all know, we cannot escape it, try as we might."

A week later and The Art Appreciation Club was prowling the streets of Chelsea again

This week the first stop was Debuffet Late Years. I was delighted by a room full of vibrant swirly colorful enmeshed circular hazes.
Aileen and I amused ourselves by taking sneaky pictures whilst the guards weren't looking. What can be a better Facebook profile pic than against the backdrop of some hot Chelsea show. I was reminded about a recent New York Times Op Ed about the fact all Facebook and Twitter postings generally are a statement of- "look how great I am." Facebook is a chance to puff up your ego and hopefully impress your old high school friends, who probably could care less about Jean DeBuffet's last years.

I loved Night. I wanted it, I opened my wallet and started counting my change.

$43.27. I had only $1700 more to find.

Maurizio, this is my favorite too. Hold it till tomorrow whilst I count my penny pile.

We oohed and aahed and schmoozed some more but eventually it was time to go. As we headed out to The Standard Hotel to finish our night, Aileen wasted not a minute getting back on topic.

4? She asked eyebrows raised?

Ok 4. So he had drunk too much wine at dinner, so he was slurring his words and hard to hear over the din of the other diners. I had to lean over to the high chair which was uncomfortable and awkward. To top it off, he made me split the bill, you know I don't tolerate that, it amounts to instant cancellation in my world.

Plus I had to pay for his cab phone. And the coup d'état, he made a lunge at me whilst I was carrying him and stuck his tongue down my ear, no questions asked as I was literally tossing him into a taxi and had the nerve to say, what a fantastic night Princepessa , are you free tomorrow?

At least there wasn't a grope though? Aileen smiled. I hope there wasn't a 5.

5, there was a 5 and a 6,7, and 8. But let's just end it at 5 and talk about anything else. What did you think of Night, back there?

Finish it girl? 5?

Ok. Here's 5. He was wearing Roots sweatpants.

Ok, I got it 5 strikes and you are out. The sweatpants seals the deal. That Muppet is Toast. But you might change your mind when you see him in his movie. Did you get the Comps at least?

No, he didn't even come through on that one. Said he gave them to his sister.

Ah,another one bites the dust. You know what they say, All's Fair in love and War. She put a sympathetic hand on my shoulder as we headed up to the rooftop lounge at The Standard.

Did you check your Daily Matches for today yet? Anyone lined up for tomorrow night? Don't give up SP, he is out there but maybe next time try someone your height at least.

And so ended Morris. I still want to see the Movie though.....

I see you met my Geisha Girls, Willy and Nilly

Aren't they adorable? Yours for a song tonight! They go back to Italy in 2 weeks as I am Maurizio the artist from Firenze. Enchante, ladies. I am glad you like the show.

Hi Maurizio congrats this is fabulous I love them all. Tell me can you switch Willy and Nilly off at night or do they always talk at will. It could get annoying, no?

Of course you can't switch them off, can you switch yourself off , you have been chatting all night with Aileen here , so why shouldn't they talk?

Come see Night, my favorite. He beckoned us over to the other side of the small gallery which was teeming with folks.

We come as a pair, $3000 for us both

We look fabulous in the Hamptons, NY lofts , even your office. Buy us now, we don't want to go back to Italy we love NY!" they chimed in unison.

Italy ? I thought they were Japanese? Wow, they talk too, I think that could get annoying their voices are too high and they might never shut up.

I love these two ladies only $1500 each, a bargain after the Damien Dots

They would look fabulous in your Gramercy pad,Aileen.

We nipped into a Japanese photography show en route.

It was a great distraction from 4 as we schmoozed with the artist and gallery owners.

I love this one! I wish I had room and a spare $750k to snap it up.

3? Aileen seemed more interested in 3 than the dots.

Well 3) so we got to Cafe Mogador on St Marks where we had to wait 25 long minutes for a table with more whining from you know who and then they insisted on putting Morris on a high chair. It is simply not sexy when your date is on a high chair, how can you take him seriously? I kept wanting to do the baby feeding weaning my sisters do and cut up his pita and lay it out on his tray in neat wee squares.
Plus Morris never stops talking about all his issues! We weren't at Zuccati Park anymore we were on a date where the attention is supposed to be focused on moi! Moi! SP! Yours Truly! Not Miss Piggy for president and how her campaign is going. I know all the Muppets will vote for her, but what about the rest of the US? Plus he made me cough up $50 for her campaign funds and towards the pledge to end frogs legs in all NY restaurants, in the middle of dinner and I had to sign 5 petitions. It was a bore and a drag.

Ok, 3 sounds bad, quite bad. She sympathized, nodding whilst taking in a giant salmon pink colored dot.

There wasn't a 4, I hope. Did he go for the end of the night snog and grope?

Let's go down to 21St for the other show , I need some air, I said, avoiding 4 best I could.

Ok, so you left, so? What was 2)

We wandered round the show, chatting in low tones so as not to disturb the Young and the Beautiful Art Hipsters.

2) it gets worse... He did not tell me I would have to carry him all night on my arm and he was heavy and combined with carrying my own White Prada rucksack my back was hurting shlepping around the city carrying him everywhere like a giant baby. It wasn't sexy at all carrying your date, and he kept complaining I wasn't holding him in the right way. He was whining about that, the nasty weather and the fact the Sequel to the Muppet Movie was postponed and never once asked me about me.

And 3? She asked.

Wow, Damien's Dots are sublime!

300 Dots are on show tonight, Hong Kong, Rome, London, Gagosian triumphs again.
On every wall, were dots of all shapes and sizes. They were beautiful seen all together was quite exhilarating.
Aileen each dot on that picture stands for a problem with Morris. Where do I start?
1) well it was a freezing NY winter night so we started at a cool East Village bar, but as he is so small they said he needs ID or he has to leave they didn't think he was 21. Although he proclaimed to be a famous movie star the bouncer was not impressed , No ID no cocktail we were told. He forgot his ID so we left.

Don't you love these giant map paintings?

Look there's Scotland , the rotters, they made it very small half the size of England, don't you hate that?
Hand me that juice of the vine? Is there any seats here?
I took sip of the plonk for strength then realized I had made a mistake and grabbed my mini Colgate sticks to take the vile taste away.
Aileen we still have two Damien Hirst Dot paintings shows to see, don't you think we should get moving, it is 7.15pm already.
I did a few body swerve's off the Morris topic, but she was not to be deterred.
"Out with it you" she said. She can be quite forceful sometimes and doesn't take any nonsense.

A few days later my Weegie (Glaswegian) best pal Aileen and I were on the Thursday night art circuit in Chelsea

As we wandered round the shows, attempting to drink undrinkable cheap white wine, we caught up on the week's dating events and stories...

"So how was it, with Morris the Muppet, will you see him again?" she asked. " You have been kind of quiet about it, and I know you were excited , more than I have seen you in a while what happened, SP?, spill the beans, Sweetie", she said, with an encouraging warm Scottish sympathetic smile. She happens to be a top therapist in NY which makes her a great eat but sometimes her advice is hard to swallow.

"Cheese, say 99%", said Matt, my blog photographer to the new Muppet Support Team

"Hey Princess, you are cool and quite sexy too! Thanks for caring about us Muppets, means a lot. Want to come occupy my tent later tonight and we can have a little Muppet Cha Cha Cha!
You can help me rehearse my speech for tomorrow's workshop, Making New York More Muppet Friendly. It has 40 Occupiers enrolled already and as you a vegetarian you may have some ideas how we can ban Frog's legs from the New York menus once and for all. What do ya say, Princepessa, Honeybun? " he winked at me most suggestively for a Muppet I thought.

Well I was of course free that night and had no Match, Ok Stupid or JDates lined up. I do prefer tall guys normally but one had to admit Morris sure had some pizzazz. His patter was better than most too, I wondered if the coach gave Muppets a discount as well as the Under 5's. Would he be a good kisser? He certainly did have big lips, could be promising, and had to be more exciting than Netflicks again.

"Let me get back to you Morris, but right now I have to get back to work." We exchanged Facebook coordinates, smiles and I got another flirty wink.

Well at least I can be the first of my friends to date a Muppet and maybe even score a free ticket to the movie. Things were looking up in my world at last, I knew my support of OWS would lead to something romantic, but a Muppet, ah well life is full of surprises.

Was he Jewish? What would Wee Mumsy say? At least he was a working muppet and had a good role in the movie. Was he commitment phobic? Was he a player, a jerk, or a mensch?

As usual my mind started racing but I hoped back on the 6 train with a smile on my face.

I see you met Morris the Muppet, said an older black guy who beckoned me over.

He in fact is one of the most vocal Occupiers here at "Liberty Park" and he has certainly put Muppet issues on the map, who knew the Muppets were suffering so much!

Under paid, unemployment at 99%, the Muppet Movie is a start but we need the sequel , the reality show, the radio program, the Iphone App to get Muppets back to the popularity they once had.

And then, the sad thing that no one really knows about,is that their precious little body parts are being eaten at restaurants, it is disgusting! Poor Kermit and all his cousins are in hiding most of the time, in case any of these pompous French New York chefs nab them for their tasty legs, it is just not safe to be a Muppet anymore.

When I came here I wanted to protest about racial discrimination at the work place but meeting Morris here showed me I got it pretty good. So now I am helping Morris and the Muppet Community get their voice heard. Did you read Page 36 and 37 of the OWS declaration, all the Muppet issues are clearly defined."

He pointed to the Declaration.

"Yes, I read it," I lied, "pretty shocking actually. Now that I am writing about it in this here world famous blog, everyone will know and we can spread the Muppet message together, plus all the free movie publicity. In fact, Morris do you mind posing for a picture, love the OWS peace sign top, so it and you got today's must have revolutionary look down to a tee! Groovy."

Hey Princess don't forget me and the Muppets! We feel sore too about a lot!

The muppet was holding the OWS Declaration. Believe it or not there was a Muppet chapter at the back.
What do you have to say, Mr Muppet?
Surely life is cushy being a muppet?

"Are you kidding, we work like slaves on our TV Show and now we are promoting our movie, which is the funniest movie ever made if we could get people to go see it. No one respects muppets anymore they want Gameboys and IPads instead! Bring back the Muppets! We are the answer!

Reduce working hours for Muppets!
All people over 3 years old are to go to the new Muppet movie at least twice and bring their friends!
Miss Piggy for President!
Down with Frogs Legs in restaurants!
99% of Muppets are unemployed , make more Muppet movies !

He was very focal , another one. The Muppets were in on it too. The only segment not protesting as far as I could see were the plants.

Was there any person, being , baby or animal that had not turned into an Occupier?

Dogs, babies, it seemed all were welcome and taking a role and making a stand. Making themselves heard!
Plus they all had wish lists! Santa are you listening ?
You could drop all your baby paraphernalia you did not need right there in the box and know it was going to a worthy cause.

Free baby food for all! Free child care support for working mums! Cartoons 24 / 7 on all channels!

Leave sugar in baby food so it tastes nice!
Cut Nursery school hours to 2 a day and the rest playtime !
Free milk for all regardless of class or color!

Out of nowhere the baby started spouting off with all her own issues. She was pretty articulate too. Her OWS for Dummies looked quite well thumbed.

Well now I was feeling very inadequate beside this Smartie Pants Toddler, I must have a word with that coach. We had better double my sessions, I was falling miles behind, everyone !

Just sitting near the drummers was an OWS fully fledged family, complete with revolutionary baby avec peace signd

Yes it seems the movement had spread and they were getting them young. The baby looked happy but was not yet spouting any revolutionary gems.

"Did you take her to the Non Violent Communication Empathy Loving Coach, I hear he does half price for the under 5's. I highly recommend him, my dating witty one liners have definitely improved although the coach says my political gems are more like mushy peas and not quite biting enough."

I popped $5 into the baby nappy collection box. How will she go back to the calm of ordinary life once this excitement is all over , sometimes it is not good to expose them to too much too soon.

The parents seemed quite happy and told me not to worry as she was the youngest member the powers that be were cutting her some slack. But they assured me she already had a hectic workshop schedule and had signed up for Marx and Trotsky for Beginners and she was already at the third chapter of Occupy Wall Street for Dummies.

Ah, the future generation are so with it, they don't miss a beat. In my day it was Black Beauty and Enid Blyton, I always wished I was a famous four member. Now the youth have bigger fish to try, fighting the battles for the 99%. My only wish is that she peppers her speeches with a few jokes as the general call and response diatribes out here are very dry and could put one swiftly to sleep.

Errr , excuse me Sir, Mr 1%, hellooooo!!!

He ignored me, but as he had turned into stone , I tried not to take it personally. He was not communicating with anyone at all not the police, not the Occupiers , not the tourists or bystanders or gawkers. He was totally fixated with the contexts of his case, forever it seemed. I wondered how the police would move him out as he looked kind of heavy.

In all the Mayhem of "Liberty Park" he was the one silent voice, a banker, a worker bee, a cog in the wheel, a bona fida member of the Rat Race.

Would he ever make it to that important meeting, get on that global conference call, answer to the board?

Who knows. I had my own theory as to his fate.

Methinks he was an early pizza eater and one of the first to get the NSA poisoning, sad as it wasn't meant for him at all. That what happens when you leave boxes of poisoned pizza around willy nilly, they don't always get the right target. A bit like a drone plane I guess.

I was getting nada from him so putting my hand on his stony shoulder I wished him well and hopped along.

Amidst all the organized chaos, tents, and crowds of 99 % was one lone banker

He was sitting going through his briefcase as if nothing was unusual at all. The strange thing was that he had turned quite, quite into stone and did not look well in the slightest.

I had not heard that Medusa was in the crowd , and if she was how odd that only one person got hit and yes that was the 1% chap. Do you think he had eaten something that did not agree with him? I ventured over with the hope of finding out more.

You talking to me missus? This is my solo! Find another spot to schmooze, this park is big enough for both of us.

I guess he had a point. I exchanged Gmails with We're Unclear and moved on. A smile on my face.

The Drummers drummed on relentlessly.

How was I supposed to have a private tete a tete with We're Unclear with all this racket going on?

I like your sign, can I hold it too?

Next minute I was doing my new favorite thing, sharing a sign with a handsome, witty, hopefully single bloke. Things were looking up, who needs workshops?
I tried to look serious and 99% angry like, but I was having a blast. I looked for his number at the bottom of his sign, or his gmail, nothing. Obviously not a player. Perfect!

We're Here. We're Unclear. Get used to it. # Occupy.

I liked this sign a lot. Yes, sign envy was coming back on strong. If only I had thought of that. This had the same ring as "Down with this sort of thing." Cheeky! Thumbs up.

Yes everyone was tucking into pizza willy nilly.

I hope they will still be looking so healthy in a few months, but I will never know.

Princess, what have you got against pizza, it has all the staples for a healthy meal,"said a painted warrior.

The sign warning against the NSA slow pizza poisoning from last week had long gone.

"Trust me, you don't need the empty calories , the chili is a better bet."

I left it at that, I can't save the world every day. Nobody listens to me anyway about anything so why would this be any different.

Hey love, cheer up, have a bite of pizza, it's delicious!

Yikes, the pizza! I know things are bad but I am not quite ready to commit Hari Kari with slow death by pizza poisoning.

"Kind Sir, the pizza is not recommended may I suggest you try the veggie chili instead? "

The Animal Zone also had a wish list

Leashes, jackets, snacks, wet food, toys,doggy bowls...
I deposited a carrot from my lunch into the basket.

It got me thinking about the SP Wish List.
Boyfriend, 2nd Date, Diamond Ring, make that large diamond ring, free flights to Scotland, Boyfriend, oh , I said that already. Boyfriend for all my single friends and family. Make that well behaved boyfriend. That should do for starters.

Now where should I set up camp. Prospective boyfriends line up here..... I knew OWS would have a space for me and my deserving cause.

This pup has been here since the start, he keeps me safe!

Well I never sure enough a Doggy Occupier! What next!

Wow Occupy Paw Street, they even mobilized the dogs. Impressive!

But how do the dogs hold a sign up? How do they show their loyalty to the movement, a few well placed barks, a few bites for any aggressive policeman. I guess they will find a role.

Ok what have we got that would help me.....

Substance Abuse... No, but if things don't improve I could be leaning in that direction, save that one for later...

Non violent communication .... I tried that, I was hopeless, yes 2 - 3pm , but the man was totally lacking in empathy despite his sign.

Think Tank, that must be the Pizza Lady, she and I had an altercation last time I was here. That's a no.

Yoga and Meditation - ok yes!

She meant no harm coppers, come on lass, did I show you the workshop schedule yet?

One of my friends jumped in before I got into any more trouble. He moved me along rapidly before the cops got more fed up. They think the Zuccotti Park Occupiers are a handful, they should consider their job easy compared to finding a second date in this town. First dates are easy but it is making it to a second where everything seems to go wrong. I think I need a workshop or two or twenty.

Did the cops have to get involved?

Princess, that poor unemployed joiner from Atlanta wants his sign back. You are not supposed to steal from the 99%, even if you are going through a bad bout of "Sign Envy" the new 21st century malaise."

"Officer, you look familiar, were you the Bobby kissing in the Banksy mural? You are certainly handsome enough. I was simply borrowing the sign to make a point to the coach here on how NVC may not work for dating. No harm meant. Please don't arrest me! In fact can you go and visit the culprit and tell him to pick up the bleedin' phone."

"We are quite busy down here at Zuccotti , not sure our duties stretch to date chastising!" they laughed non empathetically.

Coach I feel I need to retaliate I am not taking this lying down

I grabbed the sign out of some poor unsuspecting Occupier.

"See, how do you feel, I speak up!. I am taking this sign as a personal message. Demand respect now and if a guy is a jerk, tell him, loudly." I smiled sweetly.

This non violent communication style may work great for politics, but according to the author of Why Men Prefer Bitches, the no nonsense approach garners more respect and better behavior.

I suddenly spied my old friend the coach

I had paid for ten sessions and finally was turning up for my first one. The coach had expanded his repertoire to include non violent communication techniques and free empathy.
I started to drone on about my latest Match date, which I thought was a hit and then all I got was deathly silence. "It was so disappointing, I can't understand it, I thought I was the full package and then some. Should I text him? Call him a total jerk and loser for blowing me off? Is there a non violent message you can recommend ? In fact what about a tad violent to show you don't mess around with me and live to tell the tale?".

"Young lady , I am sorry to hear your date was a bust. I am here to help the homeless, the jobless, the hungry, the disillusioned, the fed up, the up in arms 99%, but the boyfriendless, I am not so sure. Re the angry text, do yourself a favor, do NOT send it. Move on and stop whining."

Hmmmm, I am not really feeling the empathy here.

God Less America

Well clever play of words, that person must have been to coaching. I still have not managed to come up with one original slogan myself.

I know the point of signs was not to make others feel inadequate but some of them did.

Occupy for Innocence showed a photo of a fed up little girl.

She was protesting too high school fees, too much homework, the price of ice cream, it was hard to say.

The new tough world had cost her her innocence. It was a damn shame. Maybe she will be forced to work selling newspapers, like in the old days. One just had to ponder the various nuances. So I did.

Back to OWS for the fourth and final visit

There are over 1000 global occupations including one in Glasgow Green . Here this smart chap did not need to bother with the hassle of making and carrying a cumbersome sign, he just wrote on his jacket! Does it come out in the wash though?
I don't think I have a jacket I am ready to sacrifice quite yet. Maybe three years ago Prada I am tired of.
I asked him if I could write Glasgow Green on his jacket but he said no, the rotter.