Errrr, how about Australia in fact make that New Zealand

I can see by the casette tape tassles on the sail ( see I know all about sailing) that are perfectly aligned, we have a jolly good wind, we could be in New Zealand in no time! Let's get moving Captain Steve. Chop! Chop!



-- Posted from my iPhone

"Where to lassie, melady?

My dashing captain asked.

So now I am in hiding in the Hamptons on Stephen's boat

I may look like I am having fun but that is a front I am
secretly, well you all know but no one else does, worried sick that the whole horrid Porridge Chair fiasco is going to catch up with me any day now.
NB this is an old Missoni bikini and matching wrap and it doesn't look too bad maybe I could even get another season out of it. Wow I just saved $1000, go me.

Three podiums were erected in the middle of the park, Guilty, Guiltier or Guiltiest.

I was so busted the messages were everywhere as clear as the eye can see. The SP never misses obvious hidden messages meant for her Royal self.


-- Posted from my iPhone

But when I got there the Chelsea gallery was closed and all the lights were out and Rufus was in his giant bubble orange balloon basket asleep.

I did try, I really did. I was going to five chairs officer really I was.

Walking through the park, I saw another art piece with a hideous message.
"What I look like when I am lying."
But I wasn't lying I fully intended to buy the chair , actually five chairs, by the end of the night. Was it my fault the gallery was closed and everyone was asleep? No. Thank you, can I go now?
I played the court scene over and over in my head. Actually it would probably make a great movie. I wonder who would play me now I was in jail, for life. Angelina Jolie, Halle Berry, Julia Roberts, ah well the box office sell out would hopefully cover my bail was my last consolation.

Oh my Gawd! The empty gold boxes next to him

Now I get it they symbolize no money left in the SP coffers as she has to pay back $10,000 a month to the gallery for the Rufus Jeff Koons dog and Mexican atrocity darlings that were slandered and made a mockery of in this here blog and are no unsaleable.

Oh if only I had just paid for the Porridge Chair as I said I would none of this ugly mess would ever have happened and no one would have been any the wiser and I actually have lots of Missoni bikinis at home and I need a new chair anyway, it's been years since I bought a chair. (Let's face it who buys chairs when they could be buying designer bikinis that make them look beautiful instead?)

It actually was a fantastic chair now that I come to think of it and I would have had it for years long after the Missoni bikinis had gone stringy from the sea as we all know they last one season only, even if they are $1000 a piece if you buy the matching wrap which of course the nice lady in the shop says you must do as you always need a wrap. ( To hide your pasta tummy, but she would never say that to your face although we all know that is why more voluptuous gals get the wrap add on).

I love the chair, I was right along. I have grown up at last from now on I must buy only chairs from famous artists and let that be a lesson to me. Amen. ( hallelujah).

I sprinted back to the original chair gallery Amex in hand. Quick the chair , oh please let them not have sold it to someone else. Hopefully Freddie Ghandi's red sticker would have scared other prospective purchasers off and I would be safe and not have to go to prison after all and have all my golden coffers empty with not even one soe, bean or penny inside.
Make way make way, I have a Royal Porridge chair to buy. Hey maybe it could even roll over as a throne for the rest of the day. I need a new throne. I knew I needed a new throne for my office but I kept forgetting to buy it.

The more I thought about the whole thing $11,950 felt like such a bargain to save my life I was ready to buy THREE chairs, make that four even as four is my lucky number and I could see my whole castle in the East village would be quite quite transformed by the four, make that five magnificent art chairs.

Make way, I dashed back to the gallery as fast as my wee leggies could carry me.

Oh my Gawd, now I know what that Sleeping Gold Man statue is all about, yikes!

It is an old Greek oracle kind of an omen or warning. Pay your debt or be in chains, your gold dresses and stilettos won't help you once you are a homeless dosser( Glaswegian for drunk man) sleeping in the park in the baking sun, frying away and no one even cares..,

Sob, boo hoo.. I started crying hysterically in the gallery at the thought of my most miserable end approaching me in no time at all once the police read my blog and Rufus identified me as the one who almost got away.

The case, the case that the Gold Sleeping Man never bothered to close, that looks like all my good designer clothes stuffed in there being ruined. Oh, it is getting more ghastly by the minute. Woe is me. What is to become of me now.

But everyone in the gallery presumed I was simply a performance art piece and ignored me and no one tried to help me or calm me down, it was so cruel. What would Wee Mumsy and Big Daddykins say when they heard their darling eldest princess was to go to jail or be a homeless dosser in the union square park?

"If she deletes her blog I will eat my wedding cake hat" piped up another

Chap from the Gay Pride 2009 photo series.

We all know no matter what the SP NEVER EVER deletes her blog , every word is sacred. Even if she is faced with life imprisonment or eternal banishment from the United States of A, or perhaps even beheading ( her own royal choice of punishment for wrong doers, well it is quick and clean) the blog must go on.

"We all agree," said the three gay pride gents from the Gay Pride photo exhibit around the cornerphoto

Simple Solution. Delete the blog and no one will be any the wiser. One two three delete, delete,delete." they said tapping it out in a snappy rhythm. "It is no easy feat, but you must go and delete. Delete,delete,delete... La Di Da la di da, la di da..."

"SP, you Champion Dope, don't you get it, it is posted live on your blog for all to see, you skipped out."

The Ladies had a point , all my blog readers and Facebook friends and Twitter Followers and Creopoint Real Estate friends would all see exactly my sneaky behavior and the gallery owner would probably sue me for slandering Rufus and especially that Freddie Ghandhi thing and make me buy all the other pieces including the lovely precious Mexican wee Sweetie darling pieces, I will probably have to buy the whole bloody lot , the blog will cost me millions and a Jeff Koons dog that will have to go in the SP beach pad garden and it looks like it is supposed to be an indoors piece. I thought I didn't have room for the Porridge Chair, hah if only life were so simple.

"SP, don't panic,"said the three lovely lassies in unison, "we have a simple fail safe solution, that will save the day and you can buy your bikinis after all and no one will be any the wiser."

"Could you take my picture please?"

I needed an alibi as just in case I could say I was at this gallery party all night if the dreaded Porridge Chair gallery came after me. The SP thinks of everything I thought smugly to myself, fantazing on how beautiful I would be in my new Missoni bikinis, now that I was all these thousands of dollars richer.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Everyone was shmoozing and no one was looking at the art

Phew I was safe. Far in the background I could faintly hear Rufus yelping and the wee Mexican atrocities stamping their armles bodies and flicking their art penises in frustration but I was quite quite safe.., Ahhhhh..., I relaxed and smiled.

A minute later I was at another opening,milling around myself and mingling and hobnobbing as you do

And no one was any the wiser.

"She's getting away" Rufus yelped

But luckily for me the guards and on lookers thought this was simply an art performance happening and continued milling around the space as I slunk away.

"Wwrrufff, guards get her - NOW!"

He stood at attention his tail bold erect up in a frenzy of fury.
Luckily for me though he was frozen and could not escape himself out his sculpture enclosure to come after me.

"Not so fast lass,don't you have a wee account to settle first" growled the giant Jeff Koons dog in the hallway entrance.

"Geez Louise, you are Rufus, oh help. I am really in an SP pickle now, I might have to pay and be stuck with that useless Porridge Chair after all , serve my vanity right."
The Missoni bikinis were vanishing by the second.

"Correct in this town we settle our accounts or we go to jail,Missy." Wuffed Rufus, showing his sharp balloon teeth.

As I scampered I heard a squeeky Mexian voice call after me,"Mester Rufus, keeeelll that Scottish geerl, breeng her back to Freddie she must pay the Red Steecker is ready for Ze Porredge Chair. She must pay or die."

Keel her ,keel her,keel her ....

Blimey I thought last time I gallery hop without a bodyguard. These Mexican atrocities should be locked up they are a danger to society and honest citizens like me. Luckily I am almost out the door $11,500 richer. Ha! ( whenever I don't buy things I always feel instantly richer, do you or is that just a Scottish way of thinking?"

"I see her she has gone out the back, after her! She owes us $11,500 plus VAT."

The young Mexican Penis Sculpture spotted me dashing out the back, he looked like he was all set to spray me with some poisenous pee to make me pay. He looked very miffed indeed at my getaway.

"Oh woe is me,we nearly sold a chair

that would have covered the rent for two months. Don't let her get away, Ruuuuufffuuuussss....... Kill!"

The nasty Mexican bodyless sculpture had set the dogs on me. As I fled down the hall, I thought who in their right minds buys these ugly scary freak show sculptures, I mean imagine waking up to that gloomy face every morning or that evil Freddie piece, have these artists lost their minds.

"Ha, I said you are not Security, you don't fool me, you are some wierd Freddie Ghandi art sculpture and what's with the white finger puppets anyway and if you are security why aren't you wearing a black suit, eh. No one fools the SP, Freddie Ghandi Finger Face, now beat it.

"Aaawww the cheek I have these finger pads so I can put the red stickers on the chairs without damaging them, they are worth about $20,000 each you know."
"$11,500 to me. Now if you will excuse me, I have to run."

"Rufus, Rufus, get her she owes us lots of dosh," he snarled, glaring at me.

I popped around the corner desperatly looking for a back door and fire escape to save me $11,500 which I had since decided could be more sensibly spent on a few Missoni bikinis for the Hamptons

"Young Lady, where do you think you are going, I understand you will be purchasing the Porridge Chair from us, I am Security for the gallery and this is not an exit. We accept all cards here so what will it be? Amex or Visa?"

"Fantastic show," I interrupted him from a deep conversation with another admirer

"How much for the black Porridge Brekkie Chair, I will take if off your hands tonight and now that it is on the SP blog the value of this chair and all your work has increased 25,000 fold with my huge blog following. In fact you should probably donate it to me as a thank you for featuring it so prominently, the whole world will want one now, what the SP has all her LLS 's want too."
"SP, this Porridge chair, as you so kindly named it,is very good value at $12,000 after all the hours I put into it as the leaflet in your hand clearly states but the SP price tonight is $11,950.
Every mouthful of porridge will taste like honey when eaten from this chair. So do you want it?"

Well he kind of put me in a spot and a few people were watching, of course everyone knew there was no way in hell I was buying that chair but I didn't want to look like a time waster.

"Wow,"I said,"that's quite a nice reduction gee thanks. I will just pop round to the desk so we can get a wee red sticker to make sure no one else takes my chair. Don't move,be right back."

The artist went back to his friend,"Do you think I sold that too cheap," he asked,"it took me 3 weeks to make it?".
"Oh no," his buddy said,"you will probably sell them all now to the blog readers, you did good."

The artist himself was fabulously hip and had bright green glasses which were as exciting as his chair collection.

Excuse the fuzziness of this shot but I was trying out the rocking chair.

I decided I wanted one to replace a sagging old coach in the SP East Village pad

This was the most comfortable looking one and would make a very elegant porridge chair for breakfast although I needed a table to match it of the same midget height.

That very same night I was on my Thursday night Chelsea art opening trip

One gallery was devoted to magnifcent carved rocking chairs, that one could never ever sit on but would instead take up loads of room in your apartment, especially if they were on a base. None were actually sold, as New Yorkers generally don't have space for non functional furniture.

Walking through Union Square last week I noticed a Gold Man with chains around his neck sleeping on a park bench.

Where had he come from ? An S and M burning man party? A performance art show? A Wizard of Oz reunion? What's with the chains? Was he making a political statement that one should not feel chained to Gold?What went in the gold box, it was empty. Maybe a dig at Wall Street guys? Truthfully I was stumped. I tried to wake him up with a wee nudge but he just kept on snoring away peacefully.

Everyone else in the park seemed totally unfazed by the Sleeping Gold Man. In New York anything goes.

At the end of the parade there was a special reading of a poem

Everyone was very patriotic singing the anthem and holding their hand to their hearts. I confess I don't know the words but I tried to follow along and sing best I could. Must learn the words, put that on my summer reading to do list.

Gosh I didn't think any of them would say yes, now I am in a right pickle.

"Sir, thanks for all you have done for your country but I just dropped the oldest age range to 65, on second thoughts, but good news is my granny is 94 and she is free tonight, all you need to do is hop on the 7.40pm Continental flight from Newark and you will be in Glasgow in time for breakfast."

The car rolled on and the veteran turned to wave at his other supporters, I was forgotten, phew! Oops, must be more clear about these things in case I hurt folks feelings, like I just did.

The 85 year old raised a hand , I got a bite!

"Hello my Princess, thank you for joining us mere golden oldie veterans for our parade and clapping so loudly, and yes yelling hurrah for the veterans are any of you single was a nice touch and first time that ever happened in my 50 years of these parades. Certainly brightened things up, fancy a little sherry tonight whilst watching the sun set, young lady?"

One fun thing about living in America is you get to celebrate all the American holidays free of charge. Nice.

Memorial Day is a chance for us young 'uns to stand and clap for the war veterans as they ride by in the Memorial Day Parade in Sag Harbor on Main Street. By the way every American town has a main street called Main Street, it amazes me that the posties don't get totally confused.

Being Sag Harbor veterans, these old men drive around in vintage red convertables, looking extremely dapper. By the way I extended my age range for suitors from 25 to 85, so all those in the car are quite eligble. ( Contact me privately riders if you want to try your hand with the SP. If you fought in a war then you are definately a Manly Man.)

Vinny the neighbor helps drill holes in the plant pots.

Vinny is our new best friend. He makes us delicious suppers of freshly caught by himself in his own fishing boat, local meaty bluefish in a marinara and olive and potato stew. Now he knows I don't eat olives ( the SP is very ,very fussy as is appropriate for a princess) he will make two stews, one with no olives for me and another with olives for Sandrine. That is what I call a great neighbor! He soon will get used to the SP's ways, everyone does in time or they get beheaded so the learning curve is quite fast, given the alternative.

All the plants are laid out in their chi chi luxury blue glazed pots and yard sale pot treasures

In order to protect the plants from the deer , we were told to sprinkle black pepper corns on them. This we did but how am I supposed to eat my fresh pasta with no pepper, eh? Did you think about that dilemma?

Sandriney is working hard fixing up the garden

Poor thing she is getting so hot and sweaty, working like a banshee.

After a hectic week in New York there is nothing nicer than lounging in a hammock with a pink Indian cotton blanket with elephants on it.

Here I am recuperating in style in Sag Harbor at the Princess Beach Pad.

GM Building - rooftop view

When showing off conference room views this had to be included. How does anyone do any work there I wonder, I would be too busy gazing out the window to do anything if it was me. Any more supreme views will be included for your enjoyment....

Talking of great views this is the view from a GM office building conference room

Let's face it if this is the view from your conference room, you own the world and if you don't you should ! Many of these hedge fund guys and power moguls are spoilt rotten and probably struggle when they leave the office and the views are no longer perfect. I guess that's why they create standing up sleeping braces, they can work longer hours and just pop off to sleep outside the entrance of their offices. Must get a bit lonely though one would think.

Believe it or not the next day I was meeting a hedge fund type guy in his office

This was the view from his conference room. No wonder he didn't want to bother commuting home when this is the view he has. Perfect view of the park.

He wanted a meeting I wanted to stare out the window.

"Were you there all night, outside Macy's with your sleeping standing up brace?" I asked him, nosely.

"That wasn't me," he lied, I totally recognized him and he knew it too." Now please my time is limited can we get back to our meeting and can you pay attention and stop gazing out the window even if it is a $10 million dollar view, you must have seen the park before surely?"

He droned on arrogantly and I tried to focus but when he showed me out he winked at me and asked me in a confidential whisper, "How was Peter Gabriel and the 54 piece New Blood orchestra , I read in the Times the concert was fab."

I knew it was him. But the elevator had arrived so I had to tear myself away from him
and the view.....47 floors later I was back on street level.

I looked up and all over the top of the buildings were his buddies watching he did not go playing hookey with me at Peter Gabriel.

There was lots of frozen men looking down at me from the rooftops of the buildings around the park.

I shouted up at one of them, " Mr Gormley Artman Clone, welcome to NY from the UK. What do you think of the new lib dem guy Nick Klegg, is it, I hear he is the next Obama. I hear he was great on the tv debate you guys had and made the other candidates look very stiff, probably something you can relate to, being a statue and all. Two questions, if you are so good at Mountain Pose are you guys vegetarian statues, as I am finding more and more men who live on a diet of chicken and salad and it is a real turn off.

Secondly when you come down from the roofs of the Madison Square garden office buildings, do you fancy coming to a Jivamukti yoga class and you could show off your mountain pose to some hot yoga chicks like me?"

But no answer was the loud reply. These art men either were very rude or had been told to ignore all advances from forward New York woman like myself and stand still and aloof in their mountain pose, another frozen Buckinghan Palace type non communicator.

Resigned, I trundled off to the concert with an old boyfriend who had called out the blue as he was in town. Enough time wasted on these frozen guys I need a nice friendly chap who answers questions, even if he is not quite as mysterious or cool.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Did you have a long day at work, no need to answer.

I am not inviting you to Peter Gabriel as you look pretty busy perfecting your yoga mountain pose and all your pals are watching you from the rooftops .

You look pretty fit , must be the outdoor life.

He said nothing. Another non communicator, but as he is a statue to start with there was no point in taking it personally this time.

Another frozen man, heepers, jeepers, what's come over this town?

But this guy is really art this time. It is all the Anthony Gormley ( I think) art men who are dotted on the top of buildings all over Madison Square Garden and 23rd Street.

Maybe he is another hedge fund guy who abandoned his briefcase and suit and umbrella to simply stand in yoga mountain pose and just let go. Let go of it all.

Sir, your mountain pose is perfect you are still as a statue , well it probably helps if you start out as a statue. ( Duh).

Here he is from the back

His head, neck are held up, he has a little wooden seat and his legs are supported and best of all an umbrella above his head in case it rains. Is this the new 21st century way of living? If he doesn't need a home he probably has no interest in a girlfriend. Another New Yorker who won't commit. Ah well, I walked off a tad dejected he would not talk to me, but at the same time I understood he was sleeping standing up so a bit too busy to bother with the likes of me.

"Er, excuse me poor tired lad, if you can't face the commute home and I don't blame you, I have a very soft couch not far from here in the East Village

You don't need to sleep on the street, I know things are tough these days but this contraption of yours seems very extreme. Plus you are far too well dressed to plead poverty , you probably run a $4bn fund.

Well at least you seem comfortable, you are suspended in perfect balance and don't need to hold your briefcase it is attached to the brace. You just lean back and let go. How long do you plan on resting at this street corner, I am going to Peter Gabriel at Radio City if you fancy that for a break from having a break ? I am glad your neck is cushioned but what if it rains , do you ever move or try another street corner?

But he was like one of these guards outside Buckingham Palace he was alive but totally frozen and non communicative( actually like many blokes I try to date , but way better dressed.)

Did you ever feel so tired, so drained from a long day at the office, that you just had to STOP

This sexy hot young hedge fund type is NOT a performance artist. He is modelling a special brace that holds you up and enables you to perch on the street with your briefcase and sleep or rest without having to shlep home.

You look at him, hoping he will ask for your number but he perches outside Macys surrounded by Japanese camera men sleeping or totally frozen, maybe meditating, who knows behind these shades. The camera team said he is sleeping and proving a point as rents are so high he can avoid them by this brace as it allows him to sleep on the go! Brillaint. But where does he change, shave or brush his teeth, I want to know.

Homes in Woodstock have SPACE

I met a chap tucking into homemade chilli from Jose's iceream parlor, on the Wiodstock promenade.
"So you quit the ratrace did you?"I asked.
"Yes,"he replied between mouthfulls."Been here 10 years, left Long Island the North Fork to sell window sidings. Real
Estate is cheap and there is room to breathe. Never looked back, except for this time of year when I miss the ocean."
Almost happy but still not quite content, the human condition according to Ekhert.

" Cheer up, Chilli Charlie. See that daffodil, stare at it for ten minutes then tell me how you feel,"I said, unselfishly wanting to share the Ekhert Tolle fast guide to enlightenment with my Chilli Charlie Buddy.

Then my ride back to New York honked so how he fared in the end I will never know but hopefully he got at least a wee bitty enlightened. If not he could least have some solace that he almost beat the rat race, with a few extra breaths of pure air and an extra acre or two.

50 friends from New York,Philly and Brooklyn descended to Woodstock for Spring Festival

It was great to breathe the upstate air, see trees, be in a historic building. Whilst everyone partied, I dipped into Ekhert Tolle's new book, "New Earth". His aim is to help you awaken, detach from the ego and your attachment to things, (does this mean designer label must haves?) and stop be still and be PRESENT.

The first exercise is to look at a flower, by really looking at it you see it's essence which reminds you of your godlike essence and so the enlightenment process begins.

Everyone kept asking me why I was staring at the purple crocus and was I on something? If so, could they have some.
"Look at the flower, the answer to it all is right there,"I replied, quite proud of being on my way to enlightenment in just one extended glance.

Kenzie relaxes after a long day

It is great being an Auntie, as I have all the perks and sleep through the night unlike my poor sister, but with a noggin like this he is worth it. Nephews are the greatest! Don't grow too big too quickly please.

Ok so Mummy Sister is the Pro

She is so organized, she is the Super Mum and together they make the prefect pair. I love this photo of them, he even stopped crying. Ah well I will keep practising at home with my cuddly bears.

Ah,Mummy that is more like it,Mummy knows what I want by just looking at me.

Where is my mummy, I need her now!

Quite a demanding wee thing, just because I don't feed him. It sucks not being his favorite!

Here we are sort of bonding, he is sort of crying

But I know it is nothing to do with anything I said or did, naturally. I do my best to comfort him but even promises our hits have gone up substantially since his photos make little impression, it seems.

"I want to be the youngest ever SP blog star, and start a new Baby Blogger following" , said Kenzie, with an adorable smile.

He is only 7 weeks old but already he is into Facebook, Twitter and now the SP blog.
Technically he can not speak yet but Auntie and he have their own language and we both know this young chappie is destined for great things, the smallest of which is featuring right here on this post, his right by his royal birth!

I did have a word with Big Daddy in Glasgow and he agrees wee Kenzie, he calls him Kenzo, should be a family baby and shared between us all being the very first wee one of the SP clan.