The new police are super friendly and have a smily face and wings.

The coppers are our friends , nothing to fear anymore.

Banksy was so nice taking up valuable wall space showing us a much sweeter side of the police force. Who knew! They really should send him a thank you note at the very least. Or put him in charge of their PR.

Oh me oh my, bobbies kissing

Well after HRH took off to Vac A and I took charge by punishing the looters with some compulsory SP blog reading,one critique per post required, it seems like everybody just got inspired, even the coppers who were supervising the reading groups and probably had a sneaky wee read themselves, and one and all decided to go a bit wild and let their true selves out in celebration of self expression.

Check this out - Banksy the famous UK street artist new piece shows two coppers having a snog in his new show in a disused factory space in Southampton.

Oh,la la!

Now the coppers are generally closed type of folks and this new flamboyant display of their sensuality was quite shocking to many of us as we expect the bobbies to be hitting us with their truncheons rather than kidding. Maybe all the looting was quite exciting a bit of action at last and that prompted the snog.

Or they started reading my blog and felt so bad about my single state and lack of ability to find the Skelly's Leader's Lair, that they started kissing to cheer themselves up.

Or maybe they were bored when the looting stopped and they had to go back to the humdrum catching people for speeding or rescuing cats from trees or whatever they do all day to keep themselves busy.

Banksy caught them at it and now you can see in the UK well things they are a'changing! Be free, do what you want! Don't get in our way. We will snog if we want leave us in peace.

I like this new sexy spirit which considering all the possible reasons was most probably inspired by my blog. Good job Banksy for catching it so fast and showing the closeted US folks what is really going on back at the ranch in the Smoochy UK.

Last week I was biking home from work when I saw this poster on 5th Avenue and 15th Street.

SOS - save our streets oh dear Princess. All is forgiven for being more popular than me.

Yes it was Wills and his bride, thingymig,( how soon we forget across the pond, Katherine I think) or was it HRH and her hubby, the animal disguise was so good, I was struggling to see who it was. Closer look, the kitten's hat was surely more Mumsy's style.

The Royal She who is the only one with higher status than moi, would never let her own LLS know she was asking for help from Little Old Me, but I know her well enough to read a sure sign by now.

They were making their fast getaway in a mini dressed as their pets hoping no one would notice they had no intention whatsoever of staying behind to clear up the mess in Croydon - or any other looting locations.

Naturally they wanted everything sorted out and back to normal by the time they got back from their Vac A as they call it here, so hence I was summoned. Nearly crashed my bike when I saw this.

Look you looters, you are giving the rest of us a bad name. Go home with your new iPads and google Scottish Princess , you will forget your grumbles and have a good laugh instead.
Community Service can be ten hours a day blog reading and helping me turn it into a movie. That should turn you all into law abiding citizens in no time. Disunited Kingdom today -laughing over a plate of steaming hot porridge tomorrow. There that was easy! Enjoy your Vac A , Mumsy, don't hesitate to reach out if there are any other problems back at the ranch.

This duck looks like a great new mode of transport

I love in Harry Potter the way they jump on dinosaurs and ferocious winged creatures and are sped to safety!

Hello Lucky Ducky, so sad all alone, let's fly away on an adventure together , what do do you say, I don't weigh much, well not a colossal amount. Would you like a little ricecake?

August 4th is Scottish Princess Day! It is my birthday today, hurrah.

This is me as a Bonny wee lassie in sunny Glasgow, even as a babe I insisted on designer cashmere. I never lowered the standards I am pleased to say.

As you can see even as a wee bairn I was alert and keeping a keen eye out for hostile invaders and the like. In those days the Skellys were safely underground and were simply plotting their evil takeover.

Tonight 55 loving and loyal subjects will descend on the SP pad to pay homage and deliver their expensive gifts. Any one coming empty-handed should return next year or do some quick gift shopping on their smart phone.

I wish I could say another year older another year wiser. But no amount of 5 Rhythm dancing seems to have knocked sense into me so I will guess I will stumble on or as Bob Dylan says, "Keep on keeping on."

My one prayer is for my prince to find me this year and for all my single friends the same.

So a night off from the Skellys unless they show up uninvited at the party.

Down with Batwings! She roared!

Wow this lass sure is a feisty one, just what we need to ramp up the stakes. Skellys beware, Jena is on it!

Looking for a Skelly Hunter, count me in lass.

Oh what great news! The New York Diva Jena La Flamme just came on board. She will go through the Skellys diet and get them off batwings and on a raw pure vegan diet! That will soon get them retreating underground forever , thanks Jena. You look super sexy too! This will encourage more folks to join us for sure!

Given my huge task of saving the world alone, I had better look sexy while I am at it.

To this end Wheylan Playa Couture designer created this Super SP garb!

Here I am modeling it at the pool at Pex Summer festival. Ok now I look the part, I am ready to start the hunt.

Here Skelly Welly, come to Mama.....

You will live forever

Another Skelly Art piece at the Hamptons Art Fair, this is what they say when they entice you to join their gang.

The smart retort is,"Who wants to live forever if life is simply preparing batwing souffles and washing grimy blankets. Keep eternity, Skellywag! har de har! You don't fool me!".

If you ever hear this don't be tempted, a forever lifetime of slavery is no fun, better to die young and free I say.

Another Skelly Fashionista

Only last night at Lyki Li summer stage central park concert, a fan was proudly parading this t-shirt.

No amount of coaxing would prevail her to burn it either. Ah well.

Why do I have to do everything myself?

This picture says it all. There is a whole world of smart, brilliant, brave people out there and yet it seems like only me is fighting the Skellys and I have to save the whole world single handedly when I would much rather be having a simple manicure.

Ok so Granny Glasgow knocked out two but that still leaves many thousands to go.

It seems everywhere I look people are wearing Skelly Logos and loving it, dopes!

I heard from a reliable source, one of my most loyal and loving subjects from Caledonia, that those that wear the Skelly Face logo are actually Skellys in disguise with human body masks. A hideous thought.

I will keep you posted. Returning to my investigations now.

Badly in need of help, all interested parties may apply here for the War of the Worlds 2, Battle of the Skellys.

At the Pex summer festival, another Skelly Fashionista

Stop smirking and thinking you look cool with the Skelly cartoon shirt. They own you now.

Of course, I was totally ignored as usual. Wow!The Skellys are capturing folks all over. Ok, it is a cool shirt but is it worth the risk , I don't think so. Do you?

I went to buy a CD in Times Square and I saw the Skellys had taken over the store with their trendy new label, Skullcandy.

The store was closed. Very sinister, where were all the nice employees that used to advise me what to buy. All gone! Possibly grilling batwings this very second, who knows, poor things. The music business now infiltrated, what next. We will all be forced to listen to their terrible heavy metal bone clanking, teeth chattering annoying music.

This is getting serious, folks.

At the osteopath's office, a wee Skelly, was standing unashamedly on the reception's desk, like he owned the place.

"What are you doing here,go back to your smelly lair where you belong. This is a doctor's office where people come to get better.They have no wish to be abducted and carried off to be slaves. Be off with you, Mini Skellywag."

"Mam, are you feeling ok, are you talking to me? You are 10 minutes late and Dr Dempsey hates to be kept waiting his schedule is so tight. I see you are admiring our new friend, Stuart Skelly,sweet how he greets everyone and helps us get all their particulars when they come in, helpful wee thing."

"What he takes people's names so dangerous. They could be abducted through the night. Put him in a cupboard and lock it shut."

"Oh Princess, what drivel you speak, leave our mascot alone , he calms all the patients nerves and we have agreed to let two of his compadres in to help him. Hurry , doctor is waiting."
As I went through to be twisted into shape, Stuart Skelly winked and leered. "Gotcha this time. Any change in address, by any chance? Har de har!"

"None of your business. Nice try,I will never tell you a thing! Huh!". I stormed off, whilst the receptionist turned to her colleague..."How rude that girl
is, New Yorker's snotty and superior attitudes never cease to amaze me, what did Stuart do to deserve that abuse. Poor Skelly was only doing his job, and doing it well I might add too! Stuart, hope she did not upset you. We think you are doing great and can't wait to meet your friends.This office will be so efficient soon thanks to you and your friends, we can go home early !"

Stuart gave that toothy Skelly grin but under his breath I am
sure I heard him
whisper except none of you will be going home. Har! Har!

Those poor folks, little do they know.. Ah well I tried.

Very worrying Skelly Fashionista's are appearing all over New York

Please can someone tell this fine, upstanding young man that once you wear the Skelly face logo , they own you forever and expect you to be their slave, dancing to their underground kitchens to prepare batwing delicacies.

"Young man, you may think you look cool but you are in grave danger. Please take the T-shirt off and throw it away or burn it even better." I warned the lad in my most serious Scottish accent.

"Not on your nelly, crazy lady with weird accent. I am the coolest kid in camp with this t-shirt and will wear it till mum ruins it in the laundry like she does to my other best shirts.

But I did see a Skeleton skulking around my bedroom last week , I thought it was one of my games coming to life. When I shooed it away it hid under the bed. I see more scary things on my Game Boy than that. Should I be worried, surely not?"

"Surely yes! Burn the shirt, tonight." But he did not seem
to believe me and ran away to join his pals. Another one gone, ah well, hopefully he will heed my warning.

As if Skellyfighting was not enough , a Flatiron bus stop had this cheery message scrawled over an ad.

Bin Laden is back.

I have hardly had time to miss him yet. Is this the Bin Laden resurrection? Can't he stay dead a bit longer like most law abiding decent citizens do? Another Rotter! Bin Laden do us all a favor and stay dead!

Ps Mr BL, if you are alive whatever you do , do not team up or do any JV's with the Skelly crowd. It is ten years since 9/11 and no one wants any repeat shows here. Plus I don't think batwing souffles are your thing so there is probably no point in wasting some perfectly good suicide bombers for the Skelly cause. Is it true your wife took a bullet for you? Is she back too?

If you have completed your resurrection then just keep it quiet if you can. People are worrying about Greece and Italy and you are last year's issue, let them worry about something new at least.

Your phone was tapped? Murdoch knew your hiding place all along and tipped Obama and it would all have been revealed in the News of The World if it had not been shut down. Well now I am telling everyone on this here blog, oh how the SP loves a good early scoop. Gosh on second thoughts, maybe I should keep my trap shut. Who will believe I knew he was back from
a poster on the Broadway and 20th Street bus stop? I hope I don't have to shut my blog down now, the LLS would run amok, tears in the streets, revolutionary vigils all night long , bring back the SP blog, all is forgiven. The ensuing chaos may tip us back into recession, we are teetering pretty close as it is. On closer look I think the poster simply says,Bin Laden is crap. Yes, that's it....well a few wee scribbles and that is what it will say soon. Ssshhhh , don't tell anyone or I will be arrested for vandalism . I will just say I am
Banksy's summer intern ( preparing for me lead role in Exit through the gift shop - The sequel .)

A Skelly Mug , leering away at me right there on the dance altar, surrounded by keys and sunflowers!

Had they taken over Tammy and turned her into a batwing frying, grimy blanket washing slave, poor thing, the first one to be felled.

You Skelly Rogue. What have you done to My dance teacher and what are all those keys for?
Ps. I am not fooled by the sunflower stint on the altar, we all know you are a total evil Skellywag.

Ah, do you like my sunflower chapeau Madame Princessa? Tammy picked it for me. We both thought it was rather alluring and yes she makes a damn fine batwing souffle if you must know. Har! Har! Har!

The Skelly knew he had me cornered by infiltrating my Sacred Space and was totally smug about his victory.

I will be telling Tammy the dance floor is to be Skelly Free , go back to your lair. Where is it by the way, I can escort you there myself in case you get lost. New York can be a scary place late night even for a Skelly. Are all these your front door keys you must have a big place or you are security phobic.

The Skelly was no dope,"Don't think you can trick me that easy to taking you to our secret hideaway. Nice try,next time be more creative than flat asking for it. These keys , my sweet Scottish Angel are the keys to all those who have surrendered their homes and joined our Skelly Revolution Movement. About 30 of the dancers in this room are already mine! Har, de har! Little do they know they will soon be my slaves and where I come from the only dancing allowed is to the kitchen where they can dance whilst concocting gourmet batwing dishes. Tammy is trying hard and her souffle was pretty good. Tonight she is preparing Batwing Gazpacho to cool me down after the class, so thoughtful!

He went back to looking at the dancers , he looked like a dish himself with his sunflower hat decoration. Did Tammy know the grave danger she was in. Oh Woe is me!

It may come as no surprise that the whole Skelly thing is getting old

Especially as no one ever found the Leader's Lair, although Glasgow Granny came darned close.

One does what one can to escape the Skellys and relax. For me dancing the Five Rhythms at the Joffrey Ballet is a great time to shake it loose and jump around and dance away the cotton wool stuffing that takes up most of the space in my brain.

This week before I entered the sacred space my thought as I submerged myself in movement and dance meditation was "Phew, at least the dance class is a Skelly free domain. Thank goodness for Tammy's class."

I hopped, skipped and leaped over to the weekly alter and would you believe what was awaiting me? No money prizes for this one folks.

Oh SP , I have no idea what the snogging lark is but my school pals tell me I am a dab hand on the Sax. Let me serenade you instead.

Stand at peace yourself whilst I play you a HP solo number I just recorded in the Mugwarts music room.

He started playing his sax which was an improvement from the Abracabra hand signals but not what I had in mind.

Meeting Harry in person was so exciting but we did not seem to be on the same page.

Harry do you anything else spectacularly well apart from saving the world with your magic?

How about snogging? It is a lot safer than your other day jobs. I can show you the Scottish way, far more fun than the tired old French style, which has been passé for yonks.

Can you put your hands down a minute? You are starting to unnerve me. Relax, stand at peace, I commanded him, using an old royal command which works for dogs and young children but is as of yet untested for famous magicians.

Harry never mind chasing those Skellys, Granny Glasgow seems to have it in hand very nicely, how about chasing me instead?

He kept doing this magic hand in the air thing as if he was shooing the dastardly Skellies away, that seemed to be his signature movement and he was sticking to it.

Did someone mention Skelly Hunting sounds like a job for Harry Potter to me

I turned round and who was standing before me but a real live world famous beloved by all hero, who is afraid of nothing and no one. Yes, Harry Potter! He was more handsome in the flesh than the silver screen.

SP, why so much fuss over the Skellys? The two I disposed off hardly put up a struggle at all.

Frankly, I find bridge much more challenging. Granny said, cool as cucumber. I guess by age 95, nothing really fazes you too much anymore. I need to think more like a 95 year old I would probably be way braver.

But granny they are taking over the world and if they have their way both you and I will be eating batwings till kingdom come. Trust me, even in a Glasgow Ashoka curry, they don't taste good.

Please don't abandon the struggle, you alone have frightened them back to their lair. There has not been a sighting in days. Granny you are my hero.

At last a gun big enough to shoot the Skellys

Granny now we can chase them together. Who needs bridge when you can go Skelly Hunting with your grand daughter?

Drop the cards, let's go.

I was walking home from Wee Granny's, truthfully pissed off as it was the first time ever she blew me off for lunch.

Ok, she had a mission to do, more important than your lunch maybe yes, maybe no.

All those thoughts were swirling through my peanut brain and then suddenly I stopped in my tracks. In the glaring daylight was a giant Skelly head making a call on it's iPhone. Broad daylight, the nerve, I thought they only came out at night. No wait, that is the True Blood Vampires is it not.

I hurried over to the giant Fiend but in a sneaky, hidey kind of way, so it would not see me. What was it broadcasting on the phone? The Swine.

I crept behind the scaffold ever so silently and listened in.

"Skelly Alert, Skelly Alert, calling all Scottish Skellys, Go Back to the Leaders Lair. Mad Granny with walking stick on the loose. Two of our comrades have already surrendered and been vanquished - and can not be found.

Calling all Skellys , Retreat, Fall back, I repeat , Retreat.... The Granny has sworn to finish us all off before her supper appointment at 7.30pm at Turban Tandoori. This is an orange high level Security Alert. I repeat,all Skellys must retreat, order from Head Command. Wee Granny on the loose. Two down.... I repeat this is an order. Any Skellys disobeying will be punished .

And so he droned on and on as these types with a mobile phone and a bit of power tend to do, love the sound of their own voices.

But hey, two down. How did she do it? The nail file? It would ne great if she could make New York and London Skelly Free Zones too. She should amass her other bridge buddies, they are all over 90 too.

Finally we are getting somewhere. I was secretly proud of my heroic granny.

I had better not be late for supper tonight, the waiters were right.

And for desert.....

A rare delicacy indeed, Chocolate Skelly Black Forest Gateaux! Full of succulent cherries , bet you can't wait.

You and your granny will dine in fine style tonight, see you 7.30pm sharp, Wee Granny does not like to be kept waiting as we all know only too well, smiled the waiter, with a cheeky smirk.

Ah well, I guess Granny squashed the Scottish Skellys after all. They will probably send her to Libyia to get that Gaddadfi now, or to Syria, her military record is too good to ignore. At least the Yemen dictator is gone and she won't need to go there.

The perils of having a super gran, I hope her travel insurance is up to date.

Appetizers - Gold Skelly nachos and crudities.

First time we ever made it, but she brought in the head so we had to oblige. The chef wanted to put it in the Tandoori oven but Wee Granny did not want the features to be damaged so we gently roasted instead.

The bat wing droppings make a great side dish. Quite a special ! Unique! We hope you enjoy eating it as much as we enjoyed creating it.

Euuuwwww....is this for real? surely not, would granny make me eat this for all my naughty deeds as a wee lassie. She always was a strict one, so Wee Mumsy tells me.

For dinner tonight your Grandmother has ordered a very great delicacy.

We have been preparing it all day, said the Turban waiter, with a knowing smile.

I'll be back for supper, the reservation is for 7.30.pm don't be late! She cried out to the wind and me , my flailing arms having zero effect.

So she sped off into the Sunset.
Those Skellys will be toast now , one good thing at least. Everyone in Glasgow is terrified of my granny so why should the Skellys be any different. She must have seen in the Bridge Cards where they are hiding. Granny intuition. Oh I hope she will be ok....

Move out the way, Granny has work to do!

Boy was she fired up! I am just not sure one walking stick and one hearing aid is enough to defeat an ever growing Skelly Army, but you can't tell your granny that , you will get a sock in the ear.

"In my black handbag, Skelly injuring sharp nail files and a wooden hair brush makes a perfect torpedo , oy,will these Skellys rue the day they crossed Granny the Warrior Fiend.

Granny please I am hungry you promised to take me over the road to Turban Tandoori for supper tonight, we can not risk your life over a few Skellys. Be serious, act your age now. Please calm down, I begged her.

Har, Har,your granny will never find our lair

She is going the wrong direction! Ha ! Ha! Wee Skellys are almost ready to take over Scotland and that Weensy Prince Hal and Wee Granny don't stand a fighting chance in hell. Har!

From the corner of my eye I could see a giant Skelly flag waving on top of the Busby roundabout. A bad sign, Skellys have arrived. Gulp.

I know I tried to divert the subject from my measly disastrous dates to the Skellys last night, but maybe I overdid it now my Granny is on the warpath. Ah well the Skellys have met their match at last.

Lunch is postponed, SP, Granny has decided to take matters into her own hands , I am going Skelly Hunting and don't try and stop me.

Out my way,lass. I can't have my great grand children, Hal and Ida, turned into slaves, forced to eat fried snail legs,
( you mean bat wings, granny)
I mean to give the Skellys a good talking to and send them back where they belong- underground.
Now where did you say the Skelly's Leaders lair is again, show me their hideout. I will soon thrash them with my walking stick.

She sped off towards Busby roundabout .

Granny wait, it is dangerous, what about your bridge partner, you can't let her down. I don't know where the liar is , no one does. Come back please!

The next day I did my very favorite thing on earth, I went to visit my 95 year old Wee Granny

Granny, I whined, how can I convince the lads out there I may more than just a title and a fine pair of pins?

But to my surprise Wee Granny was not listening , she was all wrapped up and on her Granny Scooter Mobile, looking very impatient as though she was in a huge hurry.

Wee Granny, are you going to Macabbi to play Bridge , it is only 1pm, where are you dashing off to? What about our lunch date? We need Granny / Princess time.

But everyone is all still goo goo gaa gaa over William and Kate and many I fear are looking for the carriage ride and uniformed livery escort that a Princess provides. Why not drop the title as a true test? Last resort maybe.

But I digress from the family dinner.

"Listen up Enough of the Dating tales of woe, you have heard the Arab uprisings are all the vogue, but it all started from the Skellys. You are all in danger...".

What is this conspiracy nonsense? Dad poopooed it instantly.

"I love myself and you hate me for it."

If I love myself then I will attract a guy who loves himself , then we can transition into loving each other surely. It all sounds so simple.
What would Howard say?

Off with your bra, lassie!

What to say , what to say, I agonized over a reply.

Well folks and family friends , the good news is I am working my way through the 50,000 Ok Cupid members and the 150,000 JDaters, so on the law of averages, I remain eternally optimistic, I lied, hopefully convincingly.

I think the barrage of emails is probably from title hunters and guys looking to get half of my royal Scottish Kingdom and Big McDaddy's castle, but as I remind myself you only need one. One gem.

Wee Mumsy this Scottish salmon is divine did you make my favorite desert, crepes Suzette , I hastily changed the subject.

I was really enjoying it till everyone went silent and asked that question that we singletons in their 40's so hate

- So SP, after all these years in The New World, are you dating anyone yet? Did you ever actually make it past the first date? Surely someone struck a chord ?

They was silence and everyone looked at me expectantly.

That Friday night all the family gathered together to welcome the SP.

One of things I miss most about home, is Wee Mumsy's Jewish Friday night suppers, which I have never been able to replicate. I guess it helps if you have an actual real live family to feed, although it could be done with friends posing as family members I guess.

A great dramatic moment is when we all stand and dad reads the kiddush from the sidur prayer book. Although he has done it for 81 years he still prefers to read it to ensure 100% accuracy maybe.

Hal and Ida love their New York hats

Thanks to their auntie they are already the most stylish babies ever seen in Scotland.

Hal now sleeps with one eye open to keep his sister safe from any prowling Skellies with big ideas about kidnapping him or his sister.

"Those Skelly Scoundrels have met their match at last," he whispered in my ear. It sounded a bit like baby gurgling sounds to the uneducated but I knew exactly what he meant. The intention was very clear.

The next day in the West End , Byres Road, Glasgow , I heard a street musician playing this song

Prince Hal has been born
The Skellys are so forlorn
They know their evil plans will go all wrong
As Prince Hal is so smart and strong
He will destroy the Leaders Lair , he knew where it was all along.

I am Prince Hal and you won't catch me eating fried bat wings or washing their grimy blankets.

Ps Granny , please only cashmere knitted blankets from now on , Auntie said I must refine my taste immediately if I am to be a true Prince amongst men.

Skellys beware Hal the Conquerer has been born and is fear't of no one.

Spoken like a true prince, go Hal!
The Skellys are quaking in their grimy blankets now they know you are on to their slimy game.

I am ready now to chase Skellys after mummy reading me your blog I see there is not a moment to waste. Bring it on!

Hal is only two months old but a fiesty wee laddie already. He has done his auntie proud with his let's go get 'em attitude.

Ian insists the twins are not to go Skelly Hunting till they are at least two, then all bets are off.

Note the New York sweatshirt purchased by me at JFK airport. I like my family to miss me terribly so by wearing clothes with NY logos I know I will be in their thoughts. Sly eh?

Jess has promised I can borrow the twins as long as I don't take them to the Leaders Lair.

No fear of that, I have not found it myself yet.

The twins dream their brave dreams of growing up to fight the Skellys and go swimming in Sag Harbor

As soon as they lie next to each other they stop crying! So sweet.

I must try it myself if I could only find someone to lie next to.

Ida your Kenzo reversable pink floral jacket from Cannes will fit you in a few weeks, don't worry.

You can use it as a portable blanket coat in the meantime.

A New York bunnet to keep you warm , Ida, it gets hill Billy in Kelvinside

Ian approved of the gifts! Phew.

Ida please don't cry I promise I did not buy you anything from KMart.

Be patient you will get your pressie in a minute after I say hello to my proud wee Sister , Champion mum and Ian, Super dad.

Who knew the babies love me already as I bought them designer clothes!

You must get their taste refined from a young age. Within a few weeks they should be choosing cashmere over wool, Kenzo over KMart.

Luckily Wee Hal and Ida my wee sister's new born twins do not have any Skelly Clothing. Thank goodness.

I thoroughly searched Jess's flat for Skelly logos on clothing or dishes or gifts as the new borns are their favorite as can be made into lifelong slaves as they don't know any better. Flat safe. Phew.