Humph , Humphrey Wafflepants , wake up! You have a gallery to run, you can't just pass out like that.

I smacked him in the face a few times and finally threw some cold water over him. ( Jemima cheered at that part and the octopus gave me the thumbs up or in his case, the tentacle up).

I looked around the room and saw more hidden Skelly art pieces. They really fancied themselves something rotten.

This is the Skelly with the Andy Warhol hairdo portrait, cliched and naff, if you ask me, but that doesn't mean someone won't overpay for it, especially in Soho. It had that Robert Mapplethorpe black background and perfect framing of the face, the way he did. A direct copy if you ask me.

The Skelly was smirking away, looking very proud of itself , with it's Warhol hairdo, like it was God's gift to women. Pure ego.

I thought it was just men that had the massive ego syndrome but now I see those Skelly's are just as bad.

So they are getting ready to take over the art world are they? Well we will see about that. Those Skelly's don't scare me. I deal with them every year at Halloween time. Always fishing for a date, the sleazy bunch.

Humph beckoned me over to the back of the gallery.

"Forget about that John Lennon piece, I have something special to show you in the back room, something unique. There is a brand new art market, new artists, new collectors."

"Mexicans, Polish, Irish? it can't be the Chinese, that market is so overdone now." I leaned over to Humph, who had a strange look on his face that I could not figure out.

"Come to the back room. Come now, but be prepared for something unique. Totally unique."

I started walking over but all my friends the art exhibits, Jemima, the girl with the octopus and the octopus itself, started shaking their heads as if to say no, don't go. The octopus was waving it's tentacle in an aggressive manner and frowning more than usual.

I wonder why?

I pretended I did not see the warnings and marched into the back room and stopped short.

Something I have feared for many years had finally happened. Humph looked at me. I looked at him.

The Skellys, they are infiltrating the art world , then what next.

"How did this get here, Humph? I am sure showing the art of the undead is illegal, you are putting yourself at risk here. What does the piece mean?"

"One of the Skellys in a black cloak stormed in late at night and told me if I did not show the art , my appointment with Dr Death, would be tomorrow and he manages Dr Death's schedule and can shift things around. So I have it here and only you can see it. Can you help SP, this piece is a prototype. It is a sign that the Skellys want to post in the streets of New York. All of us are to be "tourists", they are the new locals, and we are all to have permits like yellow stars and we get fined $200 if we don't have them on us. I think they got that number from Monoply. It is pretty scary stuff. It is the Skelly Revolution! With that he passed out on his desk.

As I was walking to see Jemima, feeling fatter with every step. My eye caught John Lennon and Yoko holding up a sign,saying Art is Over.

Yet the sign was on a painting for sale for $6,000 in a trendy Soho gallery. If that is not art, then what is?

A closer look revealed the word, "here", at the bottom of the sign. Art is over, here." Cute, cheesy. Poor old John he should have been 70 this year and making music still and telling the world what to do. He would have put Osama Bin Laden in his place, no question.

During Vietnam John paid for giant billboards with anti war slogans, which were important and meaningful. He is probably turning over in his grave, with this art is over here, nonsense.

"Humph, the Jemima piece is making me feel like a hefalump, and this John piece is too trite, what else you got?".

Poor Jemima, my oh so skinny colleague at the back of the gallery

The gallery owner put her on a mastercleanse fast for 3 months and she was only allowed to sip the lemonade through a straw , one cup a day.

Every day she cried ,"Art, Art, I must do it for the Art. Maybe some wealthy trendy Soho Fashionista, will take me home and feed me. Ah how I long for a Mac and Cheese grilled to perfection under the oven or a spaghetti limon, a chocolate shake or a black sesame seed ice-cream, anything but cayenne flavored lemonade, that is why I am so thin, that blasted cayenne burnt a hole in my stomach. Sob! Sob! How is a lass to survive on 3 calories a day for 3 months. This gallery owner Humphrey Wafflepants should be arrested for cruelty to exhibits. It is an injustice so it is..."

Then Humphrey would walk over to her and prod her in the stomach,
"Jemima stop whining, enough already. I told you I want you STICK THIN, get it. The ladies that come in here pop in after shopping in Chanel, most of them are Russian models, they want an art piece that looks like them, not some dumpy girl in a blue raincoat with an octopus on her head. ( looking at me). Now drink your lemonade and quiet down you are upsetting the other exhibits.( Well, we all looked down at the ground) Be thankful you got to keep your own breasts and they weren't replaced by red eggs."
Then his iPhone 4 rang and he started laughing and guffawing in that annoying, pompous way to his art cronies, that the poor exhibits were complaining and isn't it a terrible shame.

And so she cried. Well we all gave her sympathetic looks but what could we do, we have our own jobs to look after. In this climate you have to be grateful you get any work at all.

As for me, well I am allowed to eat. I am to appeal to the podgy rich little girls that come in and Hump says someone will buy me soon. And then I will be free. At least Jemima does not have a slimy, slithery live octopus balanced on her hat. I have to stand here all day and not move a muscle in case the octopus falls off! If it falls off, even once, Humph says he is booting me out the show. I am a nervous wreck with it all. My nose tickles me all day and I can't even scratch it. I feel like I am in my own hell, the Sisyphus of the art world and all for a measly $7 an hour. It's an injustice that it is. Sob! Sniffle! Sniffle! Please would you scratch my nose."

I reached over to softly scratch her little nose, and the octopus glared at me and shifted a little on her head, almost falling off. Cripes! These poor exhibits have it tough. Someone should report this Ne'er Do Well Hump character for cruelty to exhibits , he is probably selling their breasts and body parts too, what a fiend.

Humph glanced up from his IPad and gave me an icy glare.

"Please do not touch the exhibits , any breakages must be paid for. Hey, aren't you the girl who never paid for the Porridge Chair , over in Chelsea, there is a Wanted Notice out for you in the art world."

"Nah, that wasn't me, that girl left to Scotland over Thanksgiving , I don't think she is coming back. How much for that fabulous Skinny Exhibit Doll with the white hair, if only I could be as thin as her,she is gorgeous!"

"Ah, you must mean Jemima. Please come and take a look. She took months to perfect, the Italian artist just won a prize at Art Basel for her, she is my treasure , what a good eye you have."

I winked over at the Octopus girl, who gave me a teeny, weeny smile with the corners of the mouth, whilst hardly moving an inch. The octopus gave me another steely, cold stare, and then walked over to see Jemima with Humph, who had suddenly become charm himself and would not stop talking about all the awards and accolades, rave reviews for the ground breaking Jemima piece.

"This is the way women dream of looking but daren't admit it." He droned on.

Now Space Cat Woman Doll I like!

She is more my type of gal.

Well if this is beauty, I got to slim down - a lot.

Oh dear, better go easy on the spaghetti limon at Franx. Now I am really depressed. I thought this show would cheer me up, fat chance. Fat being the operative word.

Lovely red egg breasts

I guess normal old breasts are passé in the art world.

Interesting Marilyn Monroe with Mickey Mouse boobs

There must be some message for me here. I need to let my boobs be more playful perhaps! Find a groovy bra to attract Mr Right?

Hmmm... This whole finding a date for Halloween is proving pretty challenging

I don't know why it is so tough every single year. I am fed up with it. I need a nice normal alive guy not one of those undead ghouls or IPhone Teeth Tapping Skelly Monsters from the Sag Harbor Whaling Museum Haunted House.

To take my mind off things I decided to wander into a trendy Soho Gallery on Greene Street, to see if I could find some solace and peace.

Come back and see us soon Princess we love your blog said the Skelly spiked on the fence

Course I will, I just bought my ticket for tomorrow night, can't wait I lied, hastening down the path and tripping over Anabella's cast offs and newly murdered.

Oy, I am Anabella's father, she is a good lass as long as you stay on her good side, leave her alone, she is staying right here to look after her poor old dad and younger sisters

Oh dear, you are her dad, what happened to you, you are in chains and you look like you have been dead for a long time.

Well right enough, I too had a bit of a temper and I was a little too free with the knife like my eldest sadly the Sag Harbor Police threw me in their dungeon with nothing to eat and well the rest is history. I only chopped up eight men and they all deserved it but the last one on his last breath pulled out his cell phone and croaked to the coppers and they got me, son of a bitch.
But I used to look like Gregory Peck, want to see how handsome I was?

He pulled out his IPhone from his black manky old cloak and started skimming through all his photos.
Dad, I have to run as I still need to figure out my date for tonight but all I can say is you have hardly set a good example for your daughter, she will end up like you if you don't control her, be warned!


Oh Darling Anabella is an angel , leave her alone. She is a good girl, if you insist I will have a wee word with her but I really don't think it is necessary , 3 dead uns is hardly going to cause any problems, no one would miss these louts in any case. Har, har , har! He chortled loudly,clapping his hands with glee and pride at his eldest daughter's ghastly deeds.

Oh what a dreadful family I thought to myself, maybe mine are normal after all.
Now let's get out of here before I somehow get tangled up in all of this.

Ok moving along to the next room, things were getting a little too spicy in this haunted house with the skellys and newly murdered clamoring for a date, not to mention that lovely lass with the sharp knife fetish

I see you met our big sister Anabella, isn't she beautiful ? Chimed the two younger ghostie girls, we want to grow up and be all cool and sexy like her.

You do I asked, she must be wanted for murder, after all she has three fallen men she has done in without a qualm, that is considered socially unacceptable behavior in the modern civilized world. She will end up in jail if she keeps this up, I have a good manner to report to the manager of the Haunted House as Anabella is a danger to society. I am sorry to disappoint you young ladies but I would try aspiring to be like someone else, how about Princess Diana, she was very beautiful and did a lot of good in the world and was loved by all except her husband.

I am her Ex from last year, I already decomposed but I used to look like Brad Pitt I can show you a photo in my iPhone. All i did was mention she had put on a teensy weensy bit of weight and perhaps 4 slices of pizza for breakfast was not the healthiest breakfast and Wham, one swipe and you are out. Before I could say how's your uncle I was without torso.
That'll teach yer, she said, guess you won't be too eating too much more pizza yourself, ya slimy insulting rabbit headed weasel smartass. Those were her last words to me, Sob!

On a brighter note however, I am free for parties tonight and you can pop me in your handbag and we are good to go. Forget the other 3 losers , I just need to finish my shift here at the Haunted House, I am done at 9pm. My hair and make up
are done so I am all ready, Sweetums Princess Pie.

Thanks for the offer, I will consider it along with the others but those teeth look a tad sharp for the kissing part of the evening. Out of interest how do operate an iPhone when you have no fingers? I asked the poor Ex, Ex.

They have a fab Skelly Ap for us undead, you can type with your teeth, it is really easy look!
He started gnashing away, his grey lanky locks swaying in the wind. How he ever looked like Brad Pitt beats me.

I am her Ex, I am also Ex Body. She did not like the comment I made that her shift dress was a bit moldy looking and how about a pair of 7 Jeans instead?

Well one swipe and look at me. At least this is a good season for work, I have been unemployed for 11 months, no one wants a headless banker, not good for morale in the office space.

Kripes, that reminds me, who handles HR here as I have a lovely skull and Adorable Siamese Twins who would fit in perfectly here. Sorry she did you in, I guess you should learn to keep your big mouth shut and always tell your gal she looks stunning , I mean that is A of A,B, C of dating. Duh! Dopey , I mean she doesn't look like a lass you want to get on the wrong side off, anyone can see that.
Enjoy your run at the haunted house. I will ask around if anyone needs a headless banker. There must be someone. Mascot at Lehman, Corus?
Gees thanks said the banker.

SP, did I see you chatting up my boyfriend that looser wanker egghead sleazeball lying in the grass ?

I told him to behave last night and he tried to get in the knickers of all the female patrons and caused a total ruckus. We had to fire him for sexual harrassment. Well I am sorry when I tried to help him shave my knife slipped. Oh, oops. Silly me. If I was you, I would not chat one more second to him or you may find you may have a wee teensy weensy accidenty, nothing serious. But leave my guy alone, get it. Find your own guy.

It wasn't my fault he started it, I whined in self defense, but she just kept sharpening her knife.

Well, let's see the next room I said cheerfully and moving on.

At the Haunted House, my popularity was on an up

I may look dead but I just cut myself shaving. Can I be your date for tonight forget about Old Ghoulie, I am your man, said a perky young lad lying in the grass, and pretty fresh despite being stabbed in the stomach.
Aach this wound is nothing it looks worse than it is he reassured me. Let's go to the Halloween parties together. Tonight.
I wish I could get into this blood and spilled guts look, but it just makes me queasy.
Mister you have a job to do at the Haunted House and stop chatting up the patrons, you are supposed to be scary not sleazy.

Ok what next in the haunted house?

"Don't go near that Ghoul, even if he is a good kisser. I hear he is a player and will give you the runaround. You can do so much better. If you go to the parties with that Ghoul you will not meet anyone else. Dump him
Now before you get more involved. Don't say I didn't warn you."

Said the sweet Siamese baby half in the Halloween shop window.

"Shut it, Babyface. Old Ghoulie is the best the SP is going to get, she should jump at the chance, she even snogged him already. This could be her only chance for action. SP go for it and shag him tonight as tomorrow he will probably be back in his grave and I hear the cell phone connection is very ropy six feet under," said the Evil Fang Faced Red Eyed Baby Siamese Monster.

Wow, those two babies were at each other's throats , squabbling away. How does their poor mama handle the fighting? But there was only a skull and no mama to be seen.

Well I was torn what to do?
Yorrick, my man, what do you think ? Should I risk a night with the Undead , Old Ghoulie is very gallant and an excellent kisser, although his suit is a tad grimy, I asked the skull, his blue eyes seemed full of wisdom after all he had seen it all no doubt.

"Keep looking Princess. I hate to say it but that Ghoul is a bit of a player and he likes to turn in, get into his velvet coffin that is,with a different gal each night, but you never heard that from me. Tell Ghoulie Yorrick sends his best and I would love a part in the Sag Harbor Whaling Museum Haunted House show, I'll be an extra. The pay is terrific as they are all loaded out there , anything to get me out of this shop window and way from the Twins I can't take the squabbling a second more."
Ok Yorrick, I am on my way there I will put in a good word for you, you always need a good skull. How is your howling and evil chortling?
The twins got very het up when they heard Yorrick was off to pastures new. We want to come they demanded. We can howl the whole place down. We will stop fighting if you take us we promise, they piped in unison.

Sure I thought. Little Angels, not.

"Gie's a smooch, Missus. I love your Missoni wooly bunnet. You look so yummy today I could gobble you up in one mouthful. Grrr....."

How could I say no when he asked me so nicely.

Here I am smooching already and Halloween hasn't even started. The Angel got it all wrong and actually the ashen look was growing on me.

I told the ghoul, to help encourage him.
He oohed and aahed but he said he was sticking with his own look as it took him a while and I could take it or leave it.
"I 'll get back to you on that one."
One thing was clear I had at least one potential date, things were looking up.

Hey Princess you got a date for Halloween ? I am available and willing to escort the SP through her adventures said a dashing undead suitor

Well that is most gallant of you Sir, but escorting me means protecting me from the Reptilians , are you up for that?
PS. I am not going out with you looking like that, you had better get that suit to the dry cleaners pronto.
Plus you are awful ashen in your complexion. In the city we expect that but in Sag Harbor we hope to see a fresher faced look. There is a wonderful spa called Gurneys in Montauk, a few hours in the sauna , steam and Roman baths and you will be right as rain. I have a 10 pack book, one is yours for $22. A good investment I think.