Well, what do you know, best actor goes to Rage Whittaker in "Last King of Scotland."

All smiles now, Rage. Great appetizers, I mean performance.

SCOTLAND ROCKS!

Don't worry Rage Whittaker, the stars are aligned in your favor when I am the one who is judging.

Another tense moment, for Rage this time. Will Smith has got nothing on you and with that sexy tartan scarf you are bound to win.

"So cheer up, laddie boy," I tell this nervous wreck of a man,"I know how you feel, but really we are all rooting for you. Don't foget the SP makes the final decision and that dinner we shared at Danielle last week was delicious."

A very tense moment for everyone, especially for Claudine and myself, even though I secretly know the answer as I picked all the winners weeks beforehand, I feign anxiety for the benefit of the crowds and for a split second forget who I picked.

( But surely, what other actor stands a chance when there is a film with "Scotland" in the title, in the running.)

Finally the moment everyone has been waiting for...


And the oscar for best actor goes to......

(At the Alt Oscars, Oscar himself makes a special appearance to award himself to the best actor, all the way from LA in the snow he came in that gold outift, quite a serious effort even if I say so myself. I only came from 2nd Avenue, one block away from Mannhatta, on Bowery street where the Alt Oscar ceremonies were held, very convenient for me at least.)

Mr Christopher made a great compere and Master of Ceremonies, and was also very good at consoling some of the dejected actors and actresses who threw tantrums and crying fits when they did not win, with comforting words such as "Better luck next year. I hope that dress can be returned."

It is a tough job being him, but somebody has to do it.

Best foreign film oscar goes to Costume Jim who played the starring role in the Mexican movie, Pan's Labyrinth. Nice rosette CJ.

He also did a fantastico job planning the Alt Oscar evening for all the glamorous New York stars and starlets.

YEAH! SHE DID IT.

Let's hear if for my very own Queen.

( Don't tell anyone but I had to make sure she won as she is paying for my Royal Scottish Tartan Army trip to Iraq and I need to keep on her good side.)

Well done Your Majesty, a sinch, wait till we see Tony, he will be so thrilled for you. Totally deserved especially after that touching scene with the Scottish deer in the highlands when we see you really do have a heart, at least for animals.

"Shhh.... calm down Your Majesty, I know you are going to get it. You were just superb in your very own movie all about yourself.

"Don't clench your teeth, ruins the make up, Penelope Cruz may be sexy but she can't act for toffee."

SILENCE revellers, this is a big one! Fingers crossed SP fans, for our very own HRH...

And the oscar for best lady actress goes to ..............

I thought this awfully friendly looking chappy took the red theme a bit far, and he looks a wee bitty peely wally, (pale) probably from too many tomato juices or the stress and strain of wanting to win so badly, but his hair did light up so how could I not give him a prize.

Best dressed oscar went to JP in his Devil Wears Gaultier costume and the sultry 1920's vamp Claudine. Red being the hot color of the night.

Yes, today we celebrated the Year of the Pig in Chinatown so the pig from Charlotte's Web made a quick guest star appearance. But when I asked him if he had thought of turning Kosher recently or at least considering becoming a vegetarian, he got very miffed, poor creature, about Pigs Rights to remain Meaty.

My old friend the Pope was there to make sure none of the festivities were blasphemous in any way and he helped me make the final tough decisions.

Seductive Sandhi, my favorite Jivamukti yoga teacher by day, Alt Oscar winner by night.

Best Alt Oscar couple = Stefan and Sandhi, the stars of Marie Antoinette.

Here he is, my brave captain, comforting me after the ordeal of the Amazon attack. He even insisted I wear his jacket so the Amazon would not recognize me in the crowd.

The Age of Chivalry is not dead.

Luckily this gallant pilot from Snakes in a Plane came to my rescue immediately and clobbered the Britelite Amazon warrior with his own oscar, which I gladly awarded him for the daring rescue of an SP damsel in distress without a moment's concern for his own safety.

All the snakes light up which confused the Britelite Amazon unaccustomed to such modern technology.

But he got a bit upset when I told him me and everyone else I know think Mel Gibson is a total shmuck and he had zero point zero chance of winning anything as long as I was doing the judging.

Then he turned rather nasty, threatening to pierce my heart if I did not pick him.

Now that is not the way to handle your SP...

I met a very nice young chappie called Britelite, who has a lead role in the movie "Apocolypto", very primal and manly in his gold tunic and gold armbands.

These four chaps are a wee bitty confusing as they are having an identity crisis - each one looks very similar to my old pal Andy Warhol.

Each one sensibly carries his own personal camera and movie camera to guarantee his own "fifteen minutes of fame." But which one is the real Andy Warhol? An oscar for the person who gets it right.