Well, what do you know, best actor goes to Rage Whittaker in "Last King of Scotland."

All smiles now, Rage. Great appetizers, I mean performance.

SCOTLAND ROCKS!

Don't worry Rage Whittaker, the stars are aligned in your favor when I am the one who is judging.

Another tense moment, for Rage this time. Will Smith has got nothing on you and with that sexy tartan scarf you are bound to win.

"So cheer up, laddie boy," I tell this nervous wreck of a man,"I know how you feel, but really we are all rooting for you. Don't foget the SP makes the final decision and that dinner we shared at Danielle last week was delicious."

A very tense moment for everyone, especially for Claudine and myself, even though I secretly know the answer as I picked all the winners weeks beforehand, I feign anxiety for the benefit of the crowds and for a split second forget who I picked.

( But surely, what other actor stands a chance when there is a film with "Scotland" in the title, in the running.)

Finally the moment everyone has been waiting for...


And the oscar for best actor goes to......

(At the Alt Oscars, Oscar himself makes a special appearance to award himself to the best actor, all the way from LA in the snow he came in that gold outift, quite a serious effort even if I say so myself. I only came from 2nd Avenue, one block away from Mannhatta, on Bowery street where the Alt Oscar ceremonies were held, very convenient for me at least.)

Mr Christopher made a great compere and Master of Ceremonies, and was also very good at consoling some of the dejected actors and actresses who threw tantrums and crying fits when they did not win, with comforting words such as "Better luck next year. I hope that dress can be returned."

It is a tough job being him, but somebody has to do it.

Best foreign film oscar goes to Costume Jim who played the starring role in the Mexican movie, Pan's Labyrinth. Nice rosette CJ.

He also did a fantastico job planning the Alt Oscar evening for all the glamorous New York stars and starlets.

YEAH! SHE DID IT.

Let's hear if for my very own Queen.

( Don't tell anyone but I had to make sure she won as she is paying for my Royal Scottish Tartan Army trip to Iraq and I need to keep on her good side.)

Well done Your Majesty, a sinch, wait till we see Tony, he will be so thrilled for you. Totally deserved especially after that touching scene with the Scottish deer in the highlands when we see you really do have a heart, at least for animals.

"Shhh.... calm down Your Majesty, I know you are going to get it. You were just superb in your very own movie all about yourself.

"Don't clench your teeth, ruins the make up, Penelope Cruz may be sexy but she can't act for toffee."

SILENCE revellers, this is a big one! Fingers crossed SP fans, for our very own HRH...

And the oscar for best lady actress goes to ..............

I thought this awfully friendly looking chappy took the red theme a bit far, and he looks a wee bitty peely wally, (pale) probably from too many tomato juices or the stress and strain of wanting to win so badly, but his hair did light up so how could I not give him a prize.

Best dressed oscar went to JP in his Devil Wears Gaultier costume and the sultry 1920's vamp Claudine. Red being the hot color of the night.

Yes, today we celebrated the Year of the Pig in Chinatown so the pig from Charlotte's Web made a quick guest star appearance. But when I asked him if he had thought of turning Kosher recently or at least considering becoming a vegetarian, he got very miffed, poor creature, about Pigs Rights to remain Meaty.

My old friend the Pope was there to make sure none of the festivities were blasphemous in any way and he helped me make the final tough decisions.

Seductive Sandhi, my favorite Jivamukti yoga teacher by day, Alt Oscar winner by night.

Best Alt Oscar couple = Stefan and Sandhi, the stars of Marie Antoinette.

Here he is, my brave captain, comforting me after the ordeal of the Amazon attack. He even insisted I wear his jacket so the Amazon would not recognize me in the crowd.

The Age of Chivalry is not dead.

Luckily this gallant pilot from Snakes in a Plane came to my rescue immediately and clobbered the Britelite Amazon warrior with his own oscar, which I gladly awarded him for the daring rescue of an SP damsel in distress without a moment's concern for his own safety.

All the snakes light up which confused the Britelite Amazon unaccustomed to such modern technology.

But he got a bit upset when I told him me and everyone else I know think Mel Gibson is a total shmuck and he had zero point zero chance of winning anything as long as I was doing the judging.

Then he turned rather nasty, threatening to pierce my heart if I did not pick him.

Now that is not the way to handle your SP...

I met a very nice young chappie called Britelite, who has a lead role in the movie "Apocolypto", very primal and manly in his gold tunic and gold armbands.

These four chaps are a wee bitty confusing as they are having an identity crisis - each one looks very similar to my old pal Andy Warhol.

Each one sensibly carries his own personal camera and movie camera to guarantee his own "fifteen minutes of fame." But which one is the real Andy Warhol? An oscar for the person who gets it right.

Being the only Scottish Princess in New York can have its perks, especially when I was so kindly invited to judge the Kostume Kult Alt Oscars festivities this evening.

Here is one of the wee prizes that people make such a fuss over. The disco ball means only the very grooviest will be considered.

Bloggers Beware

Bloggers Beware!

The Egyptian goverment sent a blogger to prison for 4 years for insulting Islam, criticizing the goverment and defaming the president reported by NPR this morning. Apparently Abd al Karim Nabil Sulaiman was sentanced in 5 minutes in a court in Alexandria.

The 22 year old jurisprudence student better known as Karim Amer was told his blog "spread information disruptive of the public order."

The Egyptian Goverment should release him right away. Please everyone write a comment to this blog so that I can send it to Egypt and have this poor student freed at once but do not send a link to my blog to the Egyptian goverment as they may arrest me for overly seductive photos of naked snowmen and the like.

One week later .... how is the Lady of the Box making out? Many folks have been asking after her wellbeing.

Well, I asked Jeff and this was his response:

The enchanting New York Lady in the Box has developed a wide eyed fascination for the vast expanse of the Nevada desert. She sings while I play my trumpet and the coyotes harmonize, when she smiles wild flowers bloom and the stars in the sky are no match for the sparkle in her eyes.

But to love someone is to let them be free and her happiness is my priority. So we will return to New York, together, to find Jan, her first true love. I only have one request, a wish that Jan will surely grant us, that every valentine’s day for the rest of our lives we will meet and fall in love all over again for just a day. For this I can be happy and never long for another lover.

We will see you soon!

Jeff and the Beautiful Lady of the Box

It was already 2am by the time we made it to Canal Street, our shoes ruined and soaked through from the slushy New York pavements. Freezing, tired, anxious and totally drained from our long walk, we gazed in unison at the Subway entrance. Only one thing was clear.

The Lady of the Box was totally gone.

Stuck in a tiny corner where her box used to be was a single, solitary photo. It was a picture that told a thousand stories.

On the back was a note addressed to me, in her beautiful elegant one handed script.

"My dear SP," it read,"thank you for all your efforts to find "J" my darling Valentine. I am sorry you never found Jan, I guess he gave up on me, or thought I had been turned into a soup."

At that, Jan shook his head silently and a single tear trickled down from his shining green eyes and warrior mask. "My Lady, I never gave up on you. New York City is a hard place to track a pumpkin lady down particularly after Halloween. You had no faith."

But who was he talking to, the photograph?

The note had a small PS at the back.

"But not to worry, my Princess, the story had a happy ending as Jeff the Trumpet Player from Black Rock City in Nevada fell in love with me and came all the way to Canal Street to rescue me in the hour of my greatest distress. No, he will never be Jan, my first real love, but he has promised to love me simply and faithfully for ever more and now we will be for ever together, hand in hand, in the desert.

Thank you for finding me Jeff. He may not be as sexy and glamorous as Jan but he is a good man and he has promised to teach me how to play the trumpet.

So long SP, visit us next year for the Green Man at Burning Man. "

And so my Valentines tale comes to both a sad and happy end. I looked round to comfort Jan but he too had disappeared into the night, his Dasani bottle the only sign that he had returned to reclaim his true love.

The morale of the story is that " LOVE WAITS FOR NO MAN."

Yesterday, on the morning of the auspicious Valentines Day itself, I knew that my time was up, I had to find "J" within the next 24 hours or My Lady of the Box would probably shrivel up from an arm to a mere fingernail, in her disappointment. I could not bear for her to get any thinner or loose any more body parts.


I searched high and low and low and high, from north to south, and east to west, from 5 star plush joints to junky diners. Every man I saw I asked the same two questions, " Does your name begin with a "J", did you ever have a mad fling with the Verizon pumpkin lady right before Halloween, who is now only an arm in a VERY SEXY black box?"

At 11.55pm on Valentines Night I found the one I had been searching for at last, he was alone, sad, quiet, deep in thought, nursing a simple Dasani bottle of water, in a greasy spoon cafe in Chelsea. As you can see, he was slightly confused with the holidays and was still celebrating both Halloween and Christmas, but his cat like green eyes shone with love as soon as I mentioned my Lady of the Box.

"I am Jan, the Asian Warrior of the Night, the one you seek. Take me to her right away, I went back to Verizon on 6th Avenue, the day after Halloween and I thought she must have been turned into pumpkin soup as management said she had left under suspicious circumstances the night before. I have been searching for her ever since, I never even had time to take off my Halloween mask, I had totally given up all hope. Take me to my Valentine. I thought she had been cruelly murdered."

"Hurry, I said, "We have to get to Canal Street before midnight or the Lady of the Box will shrivel up in despair."

"Taxi! Taxi! Taxi" We both cried, running up and down 10th Avenue in search of a cab. But New York had had it's first big snowfall and what with it being Valentines Day and all, there was not one single taxi with a yellow available light.

All three of us hurried back to the City. "Nicola, Nicola, have I got news for you. Quickly put some lippie on. Stuart is on his way, your Valentine, and boy is he hot! Well maybe not hot, icy rather, but you know what I mean."

"And his carrot nose, is it on?" she enquired, rightly not taking any chances after her last experience.

"Oh indeed it is, never seen a firmer more Romanesque, regal carrot nose in my life and I assure you, he never takes it off even in his sleep."

And so your SP made her first Valentines Day match.

In his great haste, Stuart the Yogi Snowman, left his shoes and jaunty cowboy hat behind.

Now he is panicking and driving me crazy, that Nicola will not fancy him without his hat, but I told him firmly, "Stuart calm down, stop being such a neurotic snowman, you are a yogi, remember, BREATHE, don't worry, just keep your nose tightly secured in place."