Peconic Bay it is and Don't spare the horses, I smiled, all myself again with my life back in my pocket and my coffers still full.

And Captain, can you please try and get the hang of the iPhone photos a wee tad better so your thumb isn't in every shot, thank you so very much.

Ah, the life on the ocean wave....

So off we went and hopefully no one will come after me out here and all will be well again

But guess what Devoted Blog Readers and Facebook friends, next time I go to a gallery I am keeping my big moothie clapped shut. No more showing off for me.

New Zealand, what have you been smokin' Princess, said the Captain hoisting up the lovely green buoys on the 28 feet Natural Hye sailboat

We will be going around the Peconic bay and if you like I can teach you to sail and we can still be back for supper at 6, capic, sound good Sweetie?

Errrr, how about Australia in fact make that New Zealand

I can see by the casette tape tassles on the sail ( see I know all about sailing) that are perfectly aligned, we have a jolly good wind, we could be in New Zealand in no time! Let's get moving Captain Steve. Chop! Chop!



-- Posted from my iPhone

"Where to lassie, melady?

My dashing captain asked.

So now I am in hiding in the Hamptons on Stephen's boat

I may look like I am having fun but that is a front I am
secretly, well you all know but no one else does, worried sick that the whole horrid Porridge Chair fiasco is going to catch up with me any day now.
NB this is an old Missoni bikini and matching wrap and it doesn't look too bad maybe I could even get another season out of it. Wow I just saved $1000, go me.

Three podiums were erected in the middle of the park, Guilty, Guiltier or Guiltiest.

I was so busted the messages were everywhere as clear as the eye can see. The SP never misses obvious hidden messages meant for her Royal self.


-- Posted from my iPhone

But when I got there the Chelsea gallery was closed and all the lights were out and Rufus was in his giant bubble orange balloon basket asleep.

I did try, I really did. I was going to five chairs officer really I was.

Walking through the park, I saw another art piece with a hideous message.
"What I look like when I am lying."
But I wasn't lying I fully intended to buy the chair , actually five chairs, by the end of the night. Was it my fault the gallery was closed and everyone was asleep? No. Thank you, can I go now?
I played the court scene over and over in my head. Actually it would probably make a great movie. I wonder who would play me now I was in jail, for life. Angelina Jolie, Halle Berry, Julia Roberts, ah well the box office sell out would hopefully cover my bail was my last consolation.

Oh my Gawd! The empty gold boxes next to him

Now I get it they symbolize no money left in the SP coffers as she has to pay back $10,000 a month to the gallery for the Rufus Jeff Koons dog and Mexican atrocity darlings that were slandered and made a mockery of in this here blog and are no unsaleable.

Oh if only I had just paid for the Porridge Chair as I said I would none of this ugly mess would ever have happened and no one would have been any the wiser and I actually have lots of Missoni bikinis at home and I need a new chair anyway, it's been years since I bought a chair. (Let's face it who buys chairs when they could be buying designer bikinis that make them look beautiful instead?)

It actually was a fantastic chair now that I come to think of it and I would have had it for years long after the Missoni bikinis had gone stringy from the sea as we all know they last one season only, even if they are $1000 a piece if you buy the matching wrap which of course the nice lady in the shop says you must do as you always need a wrap. ( To hide your pasta tummy, but she would never say that to your face although we all know that is why more voluptuous gals get the wrap add on).

I love the chair, I was right along. I have grown up at last from now on I must buy only chairs from famous artists and let that be a lesson to me. Amen. ( hallelujah).

I sprinted back to the original chair gallery Amex in hand. Quick the chair , oh please let them not have sold it to someone else. Hopefully Freddie Ghandi's red sticker would have scared other prospective purchasers off and I would be safe and not have to go to prison after all and have all my golden coffers empty with not even one soe, bean or penny inside.
Make way make way, I have a Royal Porridge chair to buy. Hey maybe it could even roll over as a throne for the rest of the day. I need a new throne. I knew I needed a new throne for my office but I kept forgetting to buy it.

The more I thought about the whole thing $11,950 felt like such a bargain to save my life I was ready to buy THREE chairs, make that four even as four is my lucky number and I could see my whole castle in the East village would be quite quite transformed by the four, make that five magnificent art chairs.

Make way, I dashed back to the gallery as fast as my wee leggies could carry me.

Oh my Gawd, now I know what that Sleeping Gold Man statue is all about, yikes!

It is an old Greek oracle kind of an omen or warning. Pay your debt or be in chains, your gold dresses and stilettos won't help you once you are a homeless dosser( Glaswegian for drunk man) sleeping in the park in the baking sun, frying away and no one even cares..,

Sob, boo hoo.. I started crying hysterically in the gallery at the thought of my most miserable end approaching me in no time at all once the police read my blog and Rufus identified me as the one who almost got away.

The case, the case that the Gold Sleeping Man never bothered to close, that looks like all my good designer clothes stuffed in there being ruined. Oh, it is getting more ghastly by the minute. Woe is me. What is to become of me now.

But everyone in the gallery presumed I was simply a performance art piece and ignored me and no one tried to help me or calm me down, it was so cruel. What would Wee Mumsy and Big Daddykins say when they heard their darling eldest princess was to go to jail or be a homeless dosser in the union square park?

"If she deletes her blog I will eat my wedding cake hat" piped up another

Chap from the Gay Pride 2009 photo series.

We all know no matter what the SP NEVER EVER deletes her blog , every word is sacred. Even if she is faced with life imprisonment or eternal banishment from the United States of A, or perhaps even beheading ( her own royal choice of punishment for wrong doers, well it is quick and clean) the blog must go on.

"We all agree," said the three gay pride gents from the Gay Pride photo exhibit around the cornerphoto

Simple Solution. Delete the blog and no one will be any the wiser. One two three delete, delete,delete." they said tapping it out in a snappy rhythm. "It is no easy feat, but you must go and delete. Delete,delete,delete... La Di Da la di da, la di da..."

"SP, you Champion Dope, don't you get it, it is posted live on your blog for all to see, you skipped out."

The Ladies had a point , all my blog readers and Facebook friends and Twitter Followers and Creopoint Real Estate friends would all see exactly my sneaky behavior and the gallery owner would probably sue me for slandering Rufus and especially that Freddie Ghandhi thing and make me buy all the other pieces including the lovely precious Mexican wee Sweetie darling pieces, I will probably have to buy the whole bloody lot , the blog will cost me millions and a Jeff Koons dog that will have to go in the SP beach pad garden and it looks like it is supposed to be an indoors piece. I thought I didn't have room for the Porridge Chair, hah if only life were so simple.

"SP, don't panic,"said the three lovely lassies in unison, "we have a simple fail safe solution, that will save the day and you can buy your bikinis after all and no one will be any the wiser."

"Could you take my picture please?"

I needed an alibi as just in case I could say I was at this gallery party all night if the dreaded Porridge Chair gallery came after me. The SP thinks of everything I thought smugly to myself, fantazing on how beautiful I would be in my new Missoni bikinis, now that I was all these thousands of dollars richer.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Everyone was shmoozing and no one was looking at the art

Phew I was safe. Far in the background I could faintly hear Rufus yelping and the wee Mexican atrocities stamping their armles bodies and flicking their art penises in frustration but I was quite quite safe.., Ahhhhh..., I relaxed and smiled.

A minute later I was at another opening,milling around myself and mingling and hobnobbing as you do

And no one was any the wiser.

"She's getting away" Rufus yelped

But luckily for me the guards and on lookers thought this was simply an art performance happening and continued milling around the space as I slunk away.

"Wwrrufff, guards get her - NOW!"

He stood at attention his tail bold erect up in a frenzy of fury.
Luckily for me though he was frozen and could not escape himself out his sculpture enclosure to come after me.

"Not so fast lass,don't you have a wee account to settle first" growled the giant Jeff Koons dog in the hallway entrance.

"Geez Louise, you are Rufus, oh help. I am really in an SP pickle now, I might have to pay and be stuck with that useless Porridge Chair after all , serve my vanity right."
The Missoni bikinis were vanishing by the second.

"Correct in this town we settle our accounts or we go to jail,Missy." Wuffed Rufus, showing his sharp balloon teeth.

As I scampered I heard a squeeky Mexian voice call after me,"Mester Rufus, keeeelll that Scottish geerl, breeng her back to Freddie she must pay the Red Steecker is ready for Ze Porredge Chair. She must pay or die."

Keel her ,keel her,keel her ....

Blimey I thought last time I gallery hop without a bodyguard. These Mexican atrocities should be locked up they are a danger to society and honest citizens like me. Luckily I am almost out the door $11,500 richer. Ha! ( whenever I don't buy things I always feel instantly richer, do you or is that just a Scottish way of thinking?"

"I see her she has gone out the back, after her! She owes us $11,500 plus VAT."

The young Mexican Penis Sculpture spotted me dashing out the back, he looked like he was all set to spray me with some poisenous pee to make me pay. He looked very miffed indeed at my getaway.

"Oh woe is me,we nearly sold a chair

that would have covered the rent for two months. Don't let her get away, Ruuuuufffuuuussss....... Kill!"

The nasty Mexican bodyless sculpture had set the dogs on me. As I fled down the hall, I thought who in their right minds buys these ugly scary freak show sculptures, I mean imagine waking up to that gloomy face every morning or that evil Freddie piece, have these artists lost their minds.

"Ha, I said you are not Security, you don't fool me, you are some wierd Freddie Ghandi art sculpture and what's with the white finger puppets anyway and if you are security why aren't you wearing a black suit, eh. No one fools the SP, Freddie Ghandi Finger Face, now beat it.

"Aaawww the cheek I have these finger pads so I can put the red stickers on the chairs without damaging them, they are worth about $20,000 each you know."
"$11,500 to me. Now if you will excuse me, I have to run."

"Rufus, Rufus, get her she owes us lots of dosh," he snarled, glaring at me.

I popped around the corner desperatly looking for a back door and fire escape to save me $11,500 which I had since decided could be more sensibly spent on a few Missoni bikinis for the Hamptons

"Young Lady, where do you think you are going, I understand you will be purchasing the Porridge Chair from us, I am Security for the gallery and this is not an exit. We accept all cards here so what will it be? Amex or Visa?"

"Fantastic show," I interrupted him from a deep conversation with another admirer

"How much for the black Porridge Brekkie Chair, I will take if off your hands tonight and now that it is on the SP blog the value of this chair and all your work has increased 25,000 fold with my huge blog following. In fact you should probably donate it to me as a thank you for featuring it so prominently, the whole world will want one now, what the SP has all her LLS 's want too."
"SP, this Porridge chair, as you so kindly named it,is very good value at $12,000 after all the hours I put into it as the leaflet in your hand clearly states but the SP price tonight is $11,950.
Every mouthful of porridge will taste like honey when eaten from this chair. So do you want it?"

Well he kind of put me in a spot and a few people were watching, of course everyone knew there was no way in hell I was buying that chair but I didn't want to look like a time waster.

"Wow,"I said,"that's quite a nice reduction gee thanks. I will just pop round to the desk so we can get a wee red sticker to make sure no one else takes my chair. Don't move,be right back."

The artist went back to his friend,"Do you think I sold that too cheap," he asked,"it took me 3 weeks to make it?".
"Oh no," his buddy said,"you will probably sell them all now to the blog readers, you did good."

The artist himself was fabulously hip and had bright green glasses which were as exciting as his chair collection.

Excuse the fuzziness of this shot but I was trying out the rocking chair.

I decided I wanted one to replace a sagging old coach in the SP East Village pad

This was the most comfortable looking one and would make a very elegant porridge chair for breakfast although I needed a table to match it of the same midget height.

That very same night I was on my Thursday night Chelsea art opening trip

One gallery was devoted to magnifcent carved rocking chairs, that one could never ever sit on but would instead take up loads of room in your apartment, especially if they were on a base. None were actually sold, as New Yorkers generally don't have space for non functional furniture.

Walking through Union Square last week I noticed a Gold Man with chains around his neck sleeping on a park bench.

Where had he come from ? An S and M burning man party? A performance art show? A Wizard of Oz reunion? What's with the chains? Was he making a political statement that one should not feel chained to Gold?What went in the gold box, it was empty. Maybe a dig at Wall Street guys? Truthfully I was stumped. I tried to wake him up with a wee nudge but he just kept on snoring away peacefully.

Everyone else in the park seemed totally unfazed by the Sleeping Gold Man. In New York anything goes.

At the end of the parade there was a special reading of a poem

Everyone was very patriotic singing the anthem and holding their hand to their hearts. I confess I don't know the words but I tried to follow along and sing best I could. Must learn the words, put that on my summer reading to do list.

Gosh I didn't think any of them would say yes, now I am in a right pickle.

"Sir, thanks for all you have done for your country but I just dropped the oldest age range to 65, on second thoughts, but good news is my granny is 94 and she is free tonight, all you need to do is hop on the 7.40pm Continental flight from Newark and you will be in Glasgow in time for breakfast."

The car rolled on and the veteran turned to wave at his other supporters, I was forgotten, phew! Oops, must be more clear about these things in case I hurt folks feelings, like I just did.

The 85 year old raised a hand , I got a bite!

"Hello my Princess, thank you for joining us mere golden oldie veterans for our parade and clapping so loudly, and yes yelling hurrah for the veterans are any of you single was a nice touch and first time that ever happened in my 50 years of these parades. Certainly brightened things up, fancy a little sherry tonight whilst watching the sun set, young lady?"

One fun thing about living in America is you get to celebrate all the American holidays free of charge. Nice.

Memorial Day is a chance for us young 'uns to stand and clap for the war veterans as they ride by in the Memorial Day Parade in Sag Harbor on Main Street. By the way every American town has a main street called Main Street, it amazes me that the posties don't get totally confused.

Being Sag Harbor veterans, these old men drive around in vintage red convertables, looking extremely dapper. By the way I extended my age range for suitors from 25 to 85, so all those in the car are quite eligble. ( Contact me privately riders if you want to try your hand with the SP. If you fought in a war then you are definately a Manly Man.)

Vinny the neighbor helps drill holes in the plant pots.

Vinny is our new best friend. He makes us delicious suppers of freshly caught by himself in his own fishing boat, local meaty bluefish in a marinara and olive and potato stew. Now he knows I don't eat olives ( the SP is very ,very fussy as is appropriate for a princess) he will make two stews, one with no olives for me and another with olives for Sandrine. That is what I call a great neighbor! He soon will get used to the SP's ways, everyone does in time or they get beheaded so the learning curve is quite fast, given the alternative.

All the plants are laid out in their chi chi luxury blue glazed pots and yard sale pot treasures

In order to protect the plants from the deer , we were told to sprinkle black pepper corns on them. This we did but how am I supposed to eat my fresh pasta with no pepper, eh? Did you think about that dilemma?

Sandriney is working hard fixing up the garden

Poor thing she is getting so hot and sweaty, working like a banshee.

After a hectic week in New York there is nothing nicer than lounging in a hammock with a pink Indian cotton blanket with elephants on it.

Here I am recuperating in style in Sag Harbor at the Princess Beach Pad.