And you thought I had exhausted the ghoulish garden gnome theme. Here is yet another giant garden gnome monstrosity from the leafy suburbs of Nanuet, Rockland County. Witches are supposed to fly discretly around on broomsticks in the sky at night and not park themselves on someone's front lawn in broad daylight making total fools of themselves trying to be pretty garden ornaments when they are simply not attractive.

This green, wart covered, hook nosed, evil, children eating, wicked witch may look happy and smiling to you with her so called Happy Halloween cauldron but do not be fooled for a minute. Be warned and read on only if you dare.

I went over to her nice as pie and took a really flattering portrait photo of her , as you can plainly see, trying to show her at her best , most considerate of me. You would have thought she would have been grateful. Huh!

I then politely enquired what she was cooking up in that black cauldron of hers as I was famished after a hike up a mountain in Harriman State Park, making small talk as you do with strangers even if they are evil witches, and was it by any chance vegetarian, ( I thought witches liked parsnips,turnips and root vegetables, a bit of nutmeg) and could she spare a mouthful or two. I also sweetly suggested that I could help her get an appointment with my colorist at Frederick Fekkai's on 5th Avenue as Halloween is fast approaching and she will never get a date with hair that color. That is like gold as anyone can tell you.

How did she respond to my kindness ? Well, she suddenly grabbed me by my nice, beautiful hair in pure evil envy, shouting all sorts of witchy obscenities, "Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble, C'imere you tasty yummy Scotty princess, it is ME who is hungry and you look like a perfect little girl appetizer snack and this is what you can do with your crumby hair appointment. I like my hair just the way it is." Let me tell you, she had quite a strong vicious bulldog kind of grip, (probably from having to steer a broomstick on those odd windy days and all that giant pot stirring she does,)and she tried to push me in the cauldron and cook me. The FIEND. Six years of living in the states and this is to be my sorry end, part of some witch e coli spinach stew. Thanks very much.

Of course I yelled for help in my best Scottish accent but nobody came. Surely the ghosts or Darth Vadar from up the street could have come to my rescue but no they just watched and I am sure I saw that big creepy ghost smirking away at my plight. As for the neighbors and dog walkers,they must have thought it was some trick or treat Halloween dramatic enactment, and did nothing. I struggled and fought her like the amazon I am after all my Jivamukti yoga classes.

Finally, when it looked like it was either her or me I pulled an old Scottish secret royal self defense move based on a combination of the highland fling and the twirling part of that famous Scottish country dance the Gay Gordons and I threw her in her own Le Creuset black cauldron and boy did I slam that lid tight. I must have sat on it for a good ten minutes and she was howling and yelping and screaming all the while. "It is hot in here, let me out. I'll turn you into a toad, if you do not open this lid." I just turned the volume up on my ipod. I am complaining to Mike Bloomberg when I get back to the city as that witch is a total menace. As for the evil witch garden gnome home owners, they have got some explaining to do.