But everyone is all still goo goo gaa gaa over William and Kate and many I fear are looking for the carriage ride and uniformed livery escort that a Princess provides. Why not drop the title as a true test? Last resort maybe.

But I digress from the family dinner.

"Listen up Enough of the Dating tales of woe, you have heard the Arab uprisings are all the vogue, but it all started from the Skellys. You are all in danger...".

What is this conspiracy nonsense? Dad poopooed it instantly.

"I love myself and you hate me for it."

If I love myself then I will attract a guy who loves himself , then we can transition into loving each other surely. It all sounds so simple.
What would Howard say?

Off with your bra, lassie!

What to say , what to say, I agonized over a reply.

Well folks and family friends , the good news is I am working my way through the 50,000 Ok Cupid members and the 150,000 JDaters, so on the law of averages, I remain eternally optimistic, I lied, hopefully convincingly.

I think the barrage of emails is probably from title hunters and guys looking to get half of my royal Scottish Kingdom and Big McDaddy's castle, but as I remind myself you only need one. One gem.

Wee Mumsy this Scottish salmon is divine did you make my favorite desert, crepes Suzette , I hastily changed the subject.

I was really enjoying it till everyone went silent and asked that question that we singletons in their 40's so hate

- So SP, after all these years in The New World, are you dating anyone yet? Did you ever actually make it past the first date? Surely someone struck a chord ?

They was silence and everyone looked at me expectantly.

That Friday night all the family gathered together to welcome the SP.

One of things I miss most about home, is Wee Mumsy's Jewish Friday night suppers, which I have never been able to replicate. I guess it helps if you have an actual real live family to feed, although it could be done with friends posing as family members I guess.

A great dramatic moment is when we all stand and dad reads the kiddush from the sidur prayer book. Although he has done it for 81 years he still prefers to read it to ensure 100% accuracy maybe.

Hal and Ida love their New York hats

Thanks to their auntie they are already the most stylish babies ever seen in Scotland.

Hal now sleeps with one eye open to keep his sister safe from any prowling Skellies with big ideas about kidnapping him or his sister.

"Those Skelly Scoundrels have met their match at last," he whispered in my ear. It sounded a bit like baby gurgling sounds to the uneducated but I knew exactly what he meant. The intention was very clear.

The next day in the West End , Byres Road, Glasgow , I heard a street musician playing this song

Prince Hal has been born
The Skellys are so forlorn
They know their evil plans will go all wrong
As Prince Hal is so smart and strong
He will destroy the Leaders Lair , he knew where it was all along.

I am Prince Hal and you won't catch me eating fried bat wings or washing their grimy blankets.

Ps Granny , please only cashmere knitted blankets from now on , Auntie said I must refine my taste immediately if I am to be a true Prince amongst men.

Skellys beware Hal the Conquerer has been born and is fear't of no one.

Spoken like a true prince, go Hal!
The Skellys are quaking in their grimy blankets now they know you are on to their slimy game.

I am ready now to chase Skellys after mummy reading me your blog I see there is not a moment to waste. Bring it on!

Hal is only two months old but a fiesty wee laddie already. He has done his auntie proud with his let's go get 'em attitude.

Ian insists the twins are not to go Skelly Hunting till they are at least two, then all bets are off.

Note the New York sweatshirt purchased by me at JFK airport. I like my family to miss me terribly so by wearing clothes with NY logos I know I will be in their thoughts. Sly eh?

Jess has promised I can borrow the twins as long as I don't take them to the Leaders Lair.

No fear of that, I have not found it myself yet.

The twins dream their brave dreams of growing up to fight the Skellys and go swimming in Sag Harbor

As soon as they lie next to each other they stop crying! So sweet.

I must try it myself if I could only find someone to lie next to.

Ida your Kenzo reversable pink floral jacket from Cannes will fit you in a few weeks, don't worry.

You can use it as a portable blanket coat in the meantime.

A New York bunnet to keep you warm , Ida, it gets hill Billy in Kelvinside

Ian approved of the gifts! Phew.

Ida please don't cry I promise I did not buy you anything from KMart.

Be patient you will get your pressie in a minute after I say hello to my proud wee Sister , Champion mum and Ian, Super dad.

Who knew the babies love me already as I bought them designer clothes!

You must get their taste refined from a young age. Within a few weeks they should be choosing cashmere over wool, Kenzo over KMart.

Luckily Wee Hal and Ida my wee sister's new born twins do not have any Skelly Clothing. Thank goodness.

I thoroughly searched Jess's flat for Skelly logos on clothing or dishes or gifts as the new borns are their favorite as can be made into lifelong slaves as they don't know any better. Flat safe. Phew.