"I am exhausted, when does the tour end, I must take a seat, where is the bedroom please, Ladies?"

The place stretched for miles and was filled with piles of junk everywhere.

"Your elegant dining room for literary soirees."They chimed in chorus.

It looks like an old junk shop to me, I thought.

"I love it," I lied.

"This is your new fireplace and chandalier, do you like it,mam?"

Very grand, but again is it me?

Come this way SP , said the Graces.

"We designed this outfit for you for Burning Man Festival in Black Rock City, Nevada. We hear tutus are all the rage and everyone goes topless. You will be most fabulous Princess on the Playa. Please try it on now in case we must make adjustments to size."

"Now, I can't walk around Berlin in that I will be arrested. I love it though, I will carry it on the plane in case BA loose my luggage again. The spikes are very original too! You ladies must take another day off as a reward."

They certainly had the right idea for Burning Man, but was it me? I was not sure if I was quite ready to be this bold, although as you know many of my peers are doing the topless thing nae bother at aw at home. But me, hhhmmm...

"These are the Three Graces, Maple, Avril and Delilah. They are both your bodyguards, your Ladies in Waiting and your Fashion Advisors. They are at your service."

What a gloomy looking lot and what is with the blue sullen, faces and netting on the hats. I like cheerful, jolly ladies in waiting.

"What lovely ladies they are, they will be a huge help to me." I said politely.

"Good afternoon Ladies." I nodded.

"Gooden Afternoon Miss SP."They replied in unison, with a curtsey. "We like your gold coat but we not like your ugly sandals, they must go. "

[What a cheek. This will get annoying fast, I thought. What do Germans know about NY fashion?]

When is their day off, Fiend, they are working too hard already.

"Madame Princess we have arrived. Relax, all is well, take off your shoes. Welcome to the new SP Berlin secret residence. Come this way, " he smiled in a most disarming, almost handsome alluring manner.

"Come, we are late.I told you no stops, yet you took photos along the way and bought a half price sweatshirt for Wee Mumsy when I could have shown you a better place, however never mind you are here now. Welcome to the Shubert Mansion. "

Look at all these yummy Berlin goodies, stop, stop stop, surely you must be hungry yourself. A flan, pastry, white asparagus souffle? In season only this week. Anything Fiend, where are you, I am starving with all this chasing around whilly nilly through the streets, I almost lost my heel of my Prada strappy sandal, not that you would care, but my other boots are lost in airpost cyberspace so I need these ones.

I need a refreshment instantly, I ordered the fiend , SSSTTTTOOOPPPPP......." I sobbed gulping for air , my hand reaching around the shop window for a piece of apricot flan.

"I am hungry I want some struedel in this fine eating establishment, oh stop a wee minute for a coffee, please Sir."

But no I hurried after the Fiend, working up a fine appetite for another piece of struedel all the while.

"Oh masked fiend , I want to get a sweatshirt for Wee Mumsy, Stop! I must go shopping, no one stops the SP from buying souvenirs, I have a mission from the US government and the Fed to prop up the global economy with my purchasing power. Come back... please....
I promised WeeMumsy...."

But to no avail, he had slipped through the cars.

We zoomed through the Brandenburg gate and I only had a minute to snap a quick photo.

"No photos, he barked, "Move it, SP."

"People still are watching behind those bullet riddled walls don't be fooled by the yummy struedel and happy Berlin Bears."

What is he on about. Slow down you, I am getting heart burn, I need to take a photo for my blog readers."I barked back in my toughest tone but he had slipped through the cracks again and I had to rush to keep up.

We rushed past the SP part of the Berlin Wall, I was gasping, dizzy, out of breath, what was this masked fiend doing , I couldn't keep up with the skally wag. Was my new residence illegal or something?

"Slow down, masked fiend, I already had my run this morning and I just ate a giant piece of apple struedel," I burped.

"Follow me,"said the masked cloaked mysterious hadsome stranger, in a husky, velvety voice.

"Those cardboard people represent the old Berlin where people stood around all day, suffering, fed up, waiting on trains that were never on time. Those days are over now. We Berliners only wait two minutes at most for the Metro now, [I bet, I thought]I will show you your Berlin residence but come quickly please....and no photos please....."

Surely one of these nice train passengers can point me to the arty neighborhood.

Hey they are not real people at all, but paintings of people waiting on a train, what a con, how are you supposed to ask directions, where are all the real people, inside hotels eating strudel?

Berlin was starting to get a bit too overwhelming and surreal for my liking. Does anybody speak English here? Or is everyone simply bears or cardboard cut outs, the jet lag was getting to me finally and I was loosing all sense of reality.

"Would you like some Struedel to cheer yourself up SP, don't despair about the tennis, one day your country will take the world by storm and win at a sporting event. "

Walking through Berlin I was amazed to see bullet holes covering many of the walls.

"This is no good at all for an SP residence, what would the neighbors think. They may say I was fighting the English or that I took such shots at myself out of frustration as my countryman Silly Murray lost at tennis in the US Open.

The large grey slabs made a great hide and seek arena but being such a solemn monument it was simply peaceful and still inside.

"You could easily shack up in between one of the slabs at the Jewish Holocaust Memorial Museum ," the Berlin Bear said, kind of insensitively, "but you would probably be too sad so let's move on." on

We walked around the maze but as he said we all got too sad and confused so we kept on moving.

"Looking for something SP and Karin. Ask your Buddy the Berlin Bear. At your humble service."

"There are 150 rooms here in my humble shack plenty of room for you in one of them. "

"But no one would ever find me and it looks too stiff and imposing, I think I will move on. Great tights by the way."

"Excuse me Berlin laddie in fancy stockings, but I just wanted a wee summer hoose somewhere low key but cool and fancy. Any ideas?"

Whilst I was there they had the Sex in the City Premier in my honor as all SP fans know SITC is based on the SP adventures with a dash of haggis thrown in.

Somehow I ended up in a stuffy office neighborhood, where do all the cool artists live?

I was delighted to see that the Berliners had prepared themselves for my welcome reception by adding a lovely yellow love heart and yellow peace sign to a bit of that famous Berlin Wall. Everyone knows my most important mission is to find love and spread love and peace throughout the world so I thought it was very kind of the East Berliners to acknowledge my life themes.

I must say I was very disappointed the wall was so messy, simply covered f irom top to bottom in grafitti and even marked with holes. They would never have allowed a piece of national heritage to get in such a messy state in Glasgow, that is for sure.

The first thing I noticed about Berlin was that everything was so neat and tidy and organized.

Even the airport taxi cabs were in perfect order, all white, lined up symetrically, uniform. I almost walked to my hotel for fear of destroying the perfect pattern.

In my search for the perfect second home, I got to thinking that maybe I was limiting myself too much in the States and why not try Berlin, after all I do have a royal Scottish passport so Berlin being the cool arty city it is, might be perfect!

Six hours later and one missing BA bag of designer SP clothes lost in transit later, I had arrived. Most of my subjects rightfully shriek if the Crown Jewels go missing, my meltdown occurs when the SP Royal Wardrobe is sitting on a tarmac somewhere in airport land and not on my back. Now I know why Naomi Campbell lost it with BA, I fully sympathize with her plight. The contents of one suitcase of hers could probably feed a whole country in Africa for a year or at least let them look fabulous while starving to death.