Ten minutes later I was back in my own neighborhood in my own Candy Store, with not a breast in sight, thank goodness. Time to consult the fashion mags for ideas for Wheylan tomorrow. He'll think of something amazing to get me out of this fashion pickle. I can't afford a plastic surgeon. I hope there is an alternative! Good night all and if any loyal readers have an idea, the comments section is always open.

His beautiful pretty in pink amazon size 2 lady friend came running after me, her perfect body toned, muscled and firm.

"See matching pet animal handbags, who cares about those matching It couples outfits, we will start a fashion of our own." She said very kindly.

"Do you really think any of the guys noticed our cute cuddly lamb and doggy handbags with all those breasts flying around?" I cried.

"Dear, dear, of course they did, you are getting yourself in a tiz over nothing, perhaps a session on self esteem might help, shall we say 9am my office?"

I pretended I didn't hear and sped off into the night. Animal handbags ! As if. Ask Monica Lewinsky if making great handbags ever did anything for her post Bill C.

"Aaaww, SP, wipe away your tears, my advice to you is be yourself, don't worry about perfect breasts, a real man will love you for your mind and what's inside your heart. We superior gentlemen prefer a smart gal to a sexy gal any day." Mr Costume Jim said as I slid into the comforting leather seats of a waiting yellow cab.

"Yeah right, just because your girlfriend is a clinical pyschologist and a size 2. But thanks for the words of wisdom, they are a real comfort and make me feel great."

I sobbed into the leather seats ignoring the Haitian taxi driver's protests. "Madame, you crazy, use hanky please."

"Get down boogie, oogie, oogie."He sang staring right at me, his fluffy orange horns whirling to the music. I don't think so matey.

It was that taxi time of the night. That sealed it.

Taxi, taxi! East village as fast as you like. By the time you could say Jack Robinson, Scottish Princess, Porridge Oats, Highland Fling, whatever it is you say when you do something in a flash, I was out of there, leaving all those perfect breasts, firm peachy bottoms and annoying matching It Couple outfits for someone else to appreciate.

Marks out of ten for a fun time - 0.00.

Stay a while, Princess, the night is still young and the music just gets better and better.

( What on earth was that outfit supposed to be, with the matching arm bands and fluffy horns, I guess the male equivalent of if you've got it flaunt it, boy's version, I am not sure it works for me, but it certainly sends a message).

I was running out the door to start my skimpy costume diet right away, when I saw one of my favorite IT couples. Yes, Sash was sexy but still respectable and she has a hunk on her arm.

There's hope. Wheylan make that a 3pm meeting, I am staying late at the party tonight.

Thanks be to goodness, there is Wheylan. Wheylan was looking incredible and delighted, having just put together a superb Wheylan fashion show ten minutes earlier.

"What's up baby, why the meltdown. You look like you are in need of a new costume, my dear, nothing I can't fix up. You want a jumpsuit, mini shorts, see through fishnet trousers, leather belt bag, what is it? Name it, my favorite princess."

"I don't know what I want but we need a fashion consultation, my office 9am tomorrow, no way am I being outshone by these ladies one more party. I need the hottest sexy, scanty, skimpy outfit that hides everything that needs to stay hidden, got it?"

"No problem, consider it done. But baby I gotta warm you those pasta dinners with all that parmesan, you gotta kiss them goodbye."

She turned around to delve in her magic box of tricks for some pink glitter shadow and false eyelashes and I fled through the crowds.

"Anything wrong Luvie, you look like you are having a small meltdown, perhaps the Lace Goddess can advise you on some more shall we say up to date party wear.

Breathe, Relax. Now look at my eyes, don't you see how darling they are, shall I touch up your make up for you, Lace Goddess to the rescue. Nothing that my box of tricks can't solve."

WWWhhhhheeeyyylannn.... I cried to the wall, help!

Ohmigod, I can't even turn around and if it is not perfect breasts I see, it is perfect bottoms. How totally frightful.

I must cut out all that pasta and cheese and icecream and speak to Wheylan, my couture playa man right away.

"Wheylan, what is going on, Wheylan, where are you?"

Typical, she's got a matching It Couple leopard boyfriend to boot, I think I am going to faint. Outwardly I smiled sweetly as I always do but inwardly I was seething with jealousy.

I felt like rushing home that second to examine myself in the mirror to see if my body was ready for such a costume. Maybe bare breasts equals boys, do the maths, I told myself.

Urgh more perfect breasts, I can't stand it, somebody should have warned me beforehand so I could have mentally prepared myself. These Kostume Kult parties are taking it to the next level. Normal glas like me are looking dull. Even my blue hair was looking so last season.

Sure enough, breasts were everywhere and for the first time I felt overdressed in my Wheylan Burning Man couture mini shorts and peacock top set. Miss Laura looked fabulous as a 1920's cigarette girl diva.

My body is not quite ready for such exposure, I just had to face that sad fact. Also nudity and royalty is often not such a good thing and my loyal subjects would most probably object, I consolled myself.

"If your body is as perfect as mine, there is no need to keep anything hidden."

"But what about mystery, the surprise factor?" I countered.

"I have many other surprises, I promise you, my dear." With that she strolled off, five hunks in hot pursuit behind her.

"Don't be silly SP, you are imagining things. You look great, you just don't have my look, you have your look." A divine lady in white and diamantes smiled at me with pity.

Looking around I suddenly realised the reason I was not doing so well on the hunk front was that my costume was not quite as exciting as some of the other ladies attire. (Well that's what I told myself anyway.)

"We say go for your Hi Five guy, he seems nice and harmless." said my dear feathered friends The Pinks.

"Everything cool,SP?" asked The Damien Hirst Dots, another IT couple of the night.

"All good, a few wee scirmishes with crazy bald clowns and head hunters but nothing I couldn't deal with easily myself," I assured them.

" Hey you Mexican Shaman take five, buddy."

It worked! Phew! my new hero saved me, the shaman mumbled something under his breath and shuffled off to look for a gal more up his alley.

"You look you are in a spot of bother, anything I can do,SP? This chap is no fear to me." said the yellow hunk in the matching yellow shades.

Now, finally things are picking up, for you ladies out there , take note, a damsel in distress is always good fresh approach when you run out of small talk at parties.

Wow, I hurried over to him , "Don't do the weedgie on me, no killing any pigeons by one tap of your hand, just whisk me away to somewhere hot and smouldering...." I kissed him gently, hoping my Prince would succumb to some earthly SP pleasures.

He looked shocked, horrified, none too pleased by my uninvited advances.

"I don't do vegetarians, you not my type Scottish lady man, I do vooddoo spell on you if you not disappear right now or I make you my lady slave."

"If you are looking for someone sensational," they continued...

"indeed I am.."

"we say the two shamans are the hits of the night, we can't decide whether to go for the White Mystical Prince or the Mexican Shaman of the Night, thoughts SP?"

Did you see the Butterfly Queen , she is quite fabulous?"they asked me.

"Oh yes, she and I go way back, anyone else really cool and different from the crowd, anyone who really stands out from this motley crew?"

" Yup. We sure did, we meet the Tantra Warriors who blissed us out," they told me.

Yes, yes, I know all about them already,who else?

So did you meet anyone cool tonight I asked them.