I was walking home from Wee Granny's, truthfully pissed off as it was the first time ever she blew me off for lunch.

Ok, she had a mission to do, more important than your lunch maybe yes, maybe no.

All those thoughts were swirling through my peanut brain and then suddenly I stopped in my tracks. In the glaring daylight was a giant Skelly head making a call on it's iPhone. Broad daylight, the nerve, I thought they only came out at night. No wait, that is the True Blood Vampires is it not.

I hurried over to the giant Fiend but in a sneaky, hidey kind of way, so it would not see me. What was it broadcasting on the phone? The Swine.

I crept behind the scaffold ever so silently and listened in.

"Skelly Alert, Skelly Alert, calling all Scottish Skellys, Go Back to the Leaders Lair. Mad Granny with walking stick on the loose. Two of our comrades have already surrendered and been vanquished - and can not be found.

Calling all Skellys , Retreat, Fall back, I repeat , Retreat.... The Granny has sworn to finish us all off before her supper appointment at 7.30pm at Turban Tandoori. This is an orange high level Security Alert. I repeat,all Skellys must retreat, order from Head Command. Wee Granny on the loose. Two down.... I repeat this is an order. Any Skellys disobeying will be punished .

And so he droned on and on as these types with a mobile phone and a bit of power tend to do, love the sound of their own voices.

But hey, two down. How did she do it? The nail file? It would ne great if she could make New York and London Skelly Free Zones too. She should amass her other bridge buddies, they are all over 90 too.

Finally we are getting somewhere. I was secretly proud of my heroic granny.

I had better not be late for supper tonight, the waiters were right.

And for desert.....

A rare delicacy indeed, Chocolate Skelly Black Forest Gateaux! Full of succulent cherries , bet you can't wait.

You and your granny will dine in fine style tonight, see you 7.30pm sharp, Wee Granny does not like to be kept waiting as we all know only too well, smiled the waiter, with a cheeky smirk.

Ah well, I guess Granny squashed the Scottish Skellys after all. They will probably send her to Libyia to get that Gaddadfi now, or to Syria, her military record is too good to ignore. At least the Yemen dictator is gone and she won't need to go there.

The perils of having a super gran, I hope her travel insurance is up to date.

Appetizers - Gold Skelly nachos and crudities.

First time we ever made it, but she brought in the head so we had to oblige. The chef wanted to put it in the Tandoori oven but Wee Granny did not want the features to be damaged so we gently roasted instead.

The bat wing droppings make a great side dish. Quite a special ! Unique! We hope you enjoy eating it as much as we enjoyed creating it.

Euuuwwww....is this for real? surely not, would granny make me eat this for all my naughty deeds as a wee lassie. She always was a strict one, so Wee Mumsy tells me.

For dinner tonight your Grandmother has ordered a very great delicacy.

We have been preparing it all day, said the Turban waiter, with a knowing smile.

I'll be back for supper, the reservation is for 7.30.pm don't be late! She cried out to the wind and me , my flailing arms having zero effect.

So she sped off into the Sunset.
Those Skellys will be toast now , one good thing at least. Everyone in Glasgow is terrified of my granny so why should the Skellys be any different. She must have seen in the Bridge Cards where they are hiding. Granny intuition. Oh I hope she will be ok....

Move out the way, Granny has work to do!

Boy was she fired up! I am just not sure one walking stick and one hearing aid is enough to defeat an ever growing Skelly Army, but you can't tell your granny that , you will get a sock in the ear.

"In my black handbag, Skelly injuring sharp nail files and a wooden hair brush makes a perfect torpedo , oy,will these Skellys rue the day they crossed Granny the Warrior Fiend.

Granny please I am hungry you promised to take me over the road to Turban Tandoori for supper tonight, we can not risk your life over a few Skellys. Be serious, act your age now. Please calm down, I begged her.

Har, Har,your granny will never find our lair

She is going the wrong direction! Ha ! Ha! Wee Skellys are almost ready to take over Scotland and that Weensy Prince Hal and Wee Granny don't stand a fighting chance in hell. Har!

From the corner of my eye I could see a giant Skelly flag waving on top of the Busby roundabout. A bad sign, Skellys have arrived. Gulp.

I know I tried to divert the subject from my measly disastrous dates to the Skellys last night, but maybe I overdid it now my Granny is on the warpath. Ah well the Skellys have met their match at last.

Lunch is postponed, SP, Granny has decided to take matters into her own hands , I am going Skelly Hunting and don't try and stop me.

Out my way,lass. I can't have my great grand children, Hal and Ida, turned into slaves, forced to eat fried snail legs,
( you mean bat wings, granny)
I mean to give the Skellys a good talking to and send them back where they belong- underground.
Now where did you say the Skelly's Leaders lair is again, show me their hideout. I will soon thrash them with my walking stick.

She sped off towards Busby roundabout .

Granny wait, it is dangerous, what about your bridge partner, you can't let her down. I don't know where the liar is , no one does. Come back please!

The next day I did my very favorite thing on earth, I went to visit my 95 year old Wee Granny

Granny, I whined, how can I convince the lads out there I may more than just a title and a fine pair of pins?

But to my surprise Wee Granny was not listening , she was all wrapped up and on her Granny Scooter Mobile, looking very impatient as though she was in a huge hurry.

Wee Granny, are you going to Macabbi to play Bridge , it is only 1pm, where are you dashing off to? What about our lunch date? We need Granny / Princess time.