Massage fever takes over camp - if you can't beat them join them. Camp counselors and senior staff request massage and yoga party to try it out for themselves. SP slightly anxious and consults her "roomies" the spiders and moths.
Help! A crisis has occured. The counselors want an adult only yoga session. No one can quite believe the success of yoga at Camp Mineswka so rather than interrupt a successful session for the kids, Lizzie from senior staff has requested a one off special session for counselors. Even the older boys, Lexus and Porsche, age 13 - 15 but look and dress older than me, are demanding Dr Hauschka rose petal oil foot massages outside of class time, they love it so much. Who knew that my own Scottish spa treatments would be so popular with all and sunder? I do not want those senior staff catching wind of my special techniques and ruining my success rate and confiscating the masking tape.
Unlike me, the poor other program specialists have huge problems getting all the kids to join in with their activities. Wee Mumsy and I agree that the wee darlings are over programmed as they sprint from me at yoga, to Welsh Marielle at arts and crafts, to Betty at the LC ( Learning Center, see I have the jargon down now) to Australian Lisa Marie at low ropes and to South African Safety Simon for swimming on the waterfront with hardly a minute to spare. As Wee Mumsy pointed out quite correctly, "They are supposed to be on their holidays. No wonder some of them will not join in all the activities, it is too hectic for them. They should be relaxing more."
Yet at the fantastic SP yoga sessions, all 71 campers are able to sit in perfect chin mudra meditation position and love joining in. They now understand the basics of sanskript, thanks to Yoga for Beginners, and some of the Lost Boys, the nine year olds, have expressed a serious interest in becoming massage therapists, which I think would be a a great career option for them. Something different from the average young man's job in Harlem and the Bronx(I have no idea what that might be, but my gut tells me it is unlikely to be beauty therapy) where most of them are from, and no doubt a sure fire winner with the girls as they get older.
Talking of 9 year old boys, your very own SP got told off by the camp director for teaching overly provocative yoga poses. I am sorry but yoga has been going for 5000 years very nicely without being censored so I had to tell them that it is quite impossible to censor yoga or adapt the poses for a younger audience but I agreed to compromise and wear baggier clothing for potentially explicit yoga demonstrations.
Elsewhere around the camp, especially in the tents, there has been sporadic outbursts of violence, fighting and in group arguing, with two counselors sent home for rubbing shaving cream on a young campers face in a fun play fight that got out of hand, but to everyone's amazement as soon as the kids come to yoga - not a squeak. They lie in relaxation quiet as mice.
Another setback to life at camp - is the terrible Scottish weather which has had some sad and troubling consequences -
1) the beach at the waterfront was destroyed as the sand and water ran into one another so there was no swimming or boating for days. This meant I could not have my daily swim as well, most irritating.
2) there were horrendous power cuts so the computer room was closed and no one could send any emails to their friends
3) the tents got drenched and hours of extra laundry needed to be done
4) the kitchen was without power and we feared for a moment that we were to have Kraft cheese sandwiches for supper, but luckily the power came back in time so no one starved
5) the gym was flooded and water rushed in at a frightening rate through both roller doors, somewhat akin to a scene from "The Shining", and many campers and counselors thought Armageddon Doomseday had arrived, and the end was nigh.
These thunderstorms and fierce driving, pelting rain terrified us all and most of all the Fairies, the wee seven to nine year old lassies, who ran screaming and crying to their counselors for protection, but quite a miracle indeed, in my yoga class no one moved an inch and the thunder did not affect the wee lambs as they were in such a marvelous, deep state of relaxation thanks to my special yoga apple whiskey juice and masking tape techniques. Hence my problem. Now the adults want to try it. Yes, the cooks, the maintenance staff, the lifeguards, the Russian laundry ladies and the counselors are insisting on an adult yoga and relaxation party with a special request from the maintenance guys for some of the more explicit provocative yoga poses.
Panic - I tried to email Mr McTavish, my loyal and trusty manservant to ask him what to do but the drasted computers were down due to the storm so I was forced to have an emergency advisory meeting with my new room mates, the spiders, moths, bats and daddy long legs. I might as well tell you now, that I have been very DISPLEASED with my new insect world room mates. They are all peeking out CONSTANTLY to say goodnight, flying and flitting around all over the place, jumping about all over my clothes and not obeying the previously agreed rules at all. Still for the sake of a crisis, I agreed on a truce as I needed to talk to someone or something. So here is how the insects responded.
Sam the Spider wisely pointed out those adults may well recognize the whiskey taste in my yoga apple juice concoction the kids love so much so not advisable to use it. Lucy Long Legs said there is no way Marielle the arts and crafts lady will have enough masking tape for those hulking maintenance chaps from the Bronx. Bernie the Bat said make it a lingerie party so he can come along and join in and get to know the counselors a bit better. Solomon the Pesky Snake, who sneaked into the meeting uninvited, said try putting Valerian in their macaroni cheese for supper, but this was impractical as I am miles from a pharmacist, let alone a health food store, and it is hard to separate the adults food from the children's food. Fred the Flea said borrow some of the cast iron skillets from the kitchen, say it is for a yoga game, and when the adults lie down nicely to relax in sarvasana corpse pose, a wee friendly tap on the nut should put them out. But they are bound to notice giant lumps on their foreheads the next day and I could be thrown out for violence to counselors, never mind toothpaste. Danny Daddy Long Legs said try invisible tape and get Mr MacTavish to ship it to you from Staples and no one will be any wiser. But there is no vehicular access to the camp after the storm. Millie the Moth, a quieter, more shy and retiring member of the gang, suggested faking a bad dose of food poisoning so you can get out of this yoga party - but what if they reschedule for another night? Solomon the Pesky Snake, who was extremely vocal considering he was not invited, had another bright idea, slither away and hide under the yoga platform, but that sounds a bit uncomfortable and I am not sure I will fit after all the veggie burgers I have been eating this past week. Rodney Raccoon, who came at the last minute to the meeting thinking he could steal some of my wholefood almond butter rice cake sandwiches when I was busy at the meeting had the final suggestion for the yoga party - sing the full unabridged version of your favorite Scottish lullably,"my bonnie lies over the ocean", which lasts for seeral hours or as long as your voice holds out, and see what happens.
Lots of helpful ideas, hopefully one of them will work.
A final note - a huge bear family of three was spotted at the camp this morning and it was very exciting and we all had to stay locked indoors whilst desperately peering out the windows to try and catch a glimpse of the bears. A camp ranger came to talk to us and said on NO ACCOUNT has anyone ever to have any food items in their rooms. Between you and me, Mr MacTavish has been secretly having my porridge and raisins breakfast delivered hot to my room every day at 7.30am after my morning physical jerks and run round the lakes, so that I will not be dependent on the deeply fried bacon and mushy grits they serve at camp. This morning the smell must have attracted the bears. Oh! Oh! No more fresh porridge room service breakfasts for me. I am very miserable about this if anyone has any advice.
posted by Scottish Princess | 7/24/2006 07:19:00 PM | 2 comments links to this post
SATURDAY, JULY 08, 2006
Adventures of a Scottish Princess
posted by Scottish Princess | 7/08/2006 09:33:58 AM | 2 comments links to this post
FRIDAY, JULY 07, 2006
Adventures of a Scottish Princess
Massage fever hits the campers and SP introduces VIP area to campsite. SP tries to get her pal Nessie over.
I just came back from my customary evening pink sunset canoe ride on our very own beautiful private wooded lake, with the nearest, hottest 18 year old camp counselor I can lay my hands on, (he steers and paddles and does all the messy work like putting the canoe in and out the water, and I sit at the front in my tartan lifejacket and admire the view) only to find massage fever has hit the whole campground, and I am almost out of a job!
As you all know my yoga sessions are a massive hit and many of my wee darlings are walking around practicing a very advanced form of Kabalabati breathing, that I had just learned myself from page 2 of Yoga for Beginners, most encouraging. In the last session, I lovingly and gently massaged their sweet hands, feet and ears with my Ayurvidic oil from India, despite the fact they complained about the nasty pee smell of the oil, as they lay passed out on the floor wrapped in their brand new Gaiam yoga blankets.
One night later, these super smart kids have showed how much they love yoga and therefore me, and with no worries about ruining their clothes, (strange) they just lay sprawled out on the "black top", the concrete ground, next to the dining room, not even on a mat, noch, so enthusiastic they are, massaging each other with a fury which far surpassed anything I did the day before, at 9pm at night. Admittedly they took the idea of a relaxing massage to a new level. A very new form of Thai massage seemed to be the technique of choice- two little 9 year old boys from Hufflepuff and Gryffindor, were jumping up and down on English Frank's back as hard as they could. One Russian Fairy was pouring cold water over her counselor Danish Tessa from London's legs as she lay helpless on the concrete, and giggling with glee. Meanwhile her fellow Fairy Nadia from Puerto Rico had Tessa adeptly pinned down to the ground like a butterfly on a display case, so she could perform a very vigorous Swedish style massage technique - slapping and cupping her back from top to bottom like it was a punching bag, certainly doing a good job of releasing any frustration she had ever had in her life. Impressive I thought, they do not need me any more.
NB. Remember the pesky black snake who tried to sneak in for the freebie drama class, well the same nuisance of a creature had the nerve to try a similar prank and swim about the lake just while I was in the middle of my chauffeured canoe ride, forcing Safety Simon from South Africa to get us all out of the water. Some of these animals think they own this camp and need a stern talking to.
Today we all went to a private beach for a special outing. I decided that there was far too much equality on the camp and therefore created a VIP section on my Hermes towel where only three children were allowed to sit and had the pleasure of all my attention. I even permitted them to do the thumping sound effects for my Left to the Giant short story and play an old Scottish favorite game of I spy with my little eye. We, the new Famous Three VIPS, then made up a special song that we sang to all the campers before dinner, further establishing our superiority and exclusivity.
" We are the VIPS, mighty mighty VIPS. We are so brave and strong and we all get along." The song received thunderous applause. I am really getting the hang of it here and making up my very own song was a major breakthrough for me. I did not do the chicken dance or the popular bow wow, Ah Oo Ah Oo dance step to my song however, as there are limits.
Finally I spoke very nicely to the camp director about letting Nessie , my dear Loch Ness Monster chum, whom I miss so badly, come and join me in the lake. It is huge so there is loads of room for her and she has even offered to hoover the lake singlehandedly with her nose, as she is a neat freak. Who knows when it was last hoovered. Nessie said she could swim over from Loch Ness to save the air fare, as since she has taken up the atkins diet, she is super fit and in great shape. I explained she is really very friendly and not at all a nuisance like the pesky snake. Nessie has already agreed to allow the kids to ride on her two humps which I think would be a great addition to the fabulous Boating and Free Swim sessions organized by Safety Simon. We will see what the Director says but I am hoping for a positive response. Nessie wants to do her bit as well which I think is very admirable of her. I also feel the obvious photo opportunities could be a great fund raiser for the camp and enable them to spruce it up a bit. The other night a young 13 year old from Lexus and Porsche stopped by my room, which I can only compare as a cross between a barn and a prison cell and exclaimed enviously in the direction of my one naked light bulb, "Wow, you have get electricity in your room!"
"Ah, I replied, "but I do not have a lamp shade."
posted by Scottish Princess | 7/07/2006 12:53:14 AM | 0 comments links to this post
MONDAY, JULY 03, 2006
Adventures of a Scottish Princess
SP delighted with her yoga classes and 71 out of 71 kids were fast tracked into a state of samadhi bliss and are floating around the campground, happy as campers.
I found taping the children onto their yoga mats on the yoga platform an excellent way to keep them still in savasana, corpse pose and fortunately Marielle, the lovely Welsh lady from Arts and Crafts had a plentiful supply of masking tape. A few looked a little hesitant but after I sang a few verses of my favorite Scottish lullaby , "My bonnie lies over the ocean", well 49 verses to be precise, all the stragglers, those sweet little rascals, were very amenable and started dozing off. One little fairy Alexandra from Russia said " I do not want to die," when I told her we were working on the corpse pose, but I reassured her that as soon as yoga was over she would be up and on her feet again, but now benefiting from the experience of seeing what it is like to be dead without going through all the trouble of dying.
A long black pesky snake had the cheek to try and disturb my class, by sneaking into my session three for the Fairies, that is the Lower Girls, for a freebie meditation session from under the platform. This caused a tad momentry concern, ( a few screams that were probably heard from the other side of the lake) but I assured the wee lassies no need to worry as it is a well known ( made up) fact that snakes do not climb stairs. Fortunately that minor calamity and potential setback to my glowing track record was averted by an extra verse of "My bonnie lies over the ocean" and they soon forgot about the snake and focused on the task at hand, lying still and receiving my royal magical healing energy.
All the counselors were amazed / astonished / very envious at my results and the fact that I had single handedly managed the full compliment of six packed sessions with the 71 wee darlings, including Porsche and Mazerati, the Older Boys, all of whom were as good as gold and lay quiet as mice and still as corpses all day. When Betty from the Learning Center had the nerve to say that she was sure one of the kids had passed out I said, "Oh no, that is Nirvana they found, a state of bliss. That is what happens when you achieve self realization, you really should try it sometime."
Who could argue, especially as the lines for the next yoga sessions are out the door?
NB For those of you who have expressed concern over the spider room mate situation, we had a show down late last night and the spiders joined forces with the daddy long legs and the moths in an attempt to force me to back down and let them sleep in my bed and my hair as well as my clothes and towels. Being a yogi I appreciate they have their rights and I guess I am in their space but I do have limits. Like children, insects need boundaries and must be told that they can not just run wild anywhere they want, particularly when they co habit with a Scottish princess.
We compromised in what was agreed by all to be a very fair solution. During the day they have the total run of the room and go anywhere they like. At night they have to stay on the roof or in the corners where they belong and no peeking out to say goodnight. Mosquitos are not welcome and can not expect the same preferential, fairly negotiated treatment. Racoons with rabies and evil yellow eyes that from all accounts stare you out and are apparently not responsive to shoes or dirty underwear thrown in their direction, no matter that they do look like they just stepped off the set of Sesame Street, should continue to keep well away from my room or face the consequences.
posted by Scottish Princess | 7/03/2006 11:36:36 PM | 1 comments links to this post
SATURDAY, JULY 01, 2006
Adventures of a Scottish Princess
SP escapes upstate to the serene tranquil mountain lake state park in upstate New York to "save the world" at Camp Minewaska, a holiday camp for children with severe behavior problems (technical term for ridiculously naughty).
Every princess must have a role model and mine is and will always be, the fabulous Princess Di. (I am of the firm belief she died under suspicious circumstances.) She was the closest I have known to a saint and no matter where she was, she always managed to embody that unique combination of sincere and sensational.
The pavements are melting in New York, all smart folk are at some form of beach house but not I. No, I left all home comforts and every one I know, even the trusty Hamish B Mctavish, to be a drama/yoga teacher for 71, sadly in need of love, super naughty children. My new room mates are an extensive spider collection, who seem to have no idea they are sharing their quarters with a princess and I have no privacy. I have to check every item for half an hour before I put it on which makes me late for every activity.
The camp is funded by a combination of relieved parents donations, delighted to have a break from their rascal children for a few weeks and private donations from outside parties who sympathize with the poor, exhausted parents and have fervent hope that their donations might help turn the children from wee devils to wee angels. So quickly I made a few calls and then Wha Zoom thanks to Gaiam we had 100 yoga mats delivered to the camp. Never mind that I have never taught yoga before, I have been studying the pictures, well the first picture, on Yoga for Beginners all evening. Fortunately Mr McTavish bought if for me and threw it into my enormous Vuitton knapsack, otherwise jammed full of totally useless things I do not need such as -
1. tartan mini skirts, not allowed, too sexy
2. Princess glass slipper stilettos in case I get invited to a wild campers party, admittedly somewhat tricky on this hilly, stony and muddy terrain, interestingly enough none of the other campers are wearing heels
3. very scrumptious and lovingly prepared by Mr McTavish, ready made daily porridge and raisins portions, secretly delivered to my cabin door at 7.30 am sharp so I can swallow it down before the official deep fried camp breakfast role call at 7.50 am sharp. One friendly counselor did notice the Korean delivery girl, Sarah Lee, on her bike, dropping off my steaming porridge one morning. (I believe in keeping the New York die hard tradition of surviving on delivery alive and well at Camp Minewaska , so we pay for her to come all the way from Manhattan every morning. Super kind SP single handedly reduces the New York City unemployment figures herself with these full time jobs she creates whilst at the camp. Sarah Lee was sneaking up to my cabin yesterday morning, basket of porridge in hand, when one of the senior bossier counselors grabbed her and warned her in very strict tones that she should watch out for the Camp Minewaska “pets” – a group of wandering, hungry, apparently rabies spreading, but otherwise sweet and cuddly giant raccoons, that love biting humans as much as they love garbage. These raccoons are so far my only late night visitors, very disappointing when there are so many hot young, and probably lonely counselors roaming around. One can not count the spiders as they are residents rather than visitors. Luckily for me Jules the head cook, although just a beginner, makes excellent fresh pancakes and refused to serve frozen ones as home made pancakes are his signature dish. No blueberries or strawberries though, I suggested just adding them in my batch but to no avail.
Back to my first yoga class. The good news is I think I have got a few postures down now, well the first one, a nice easy one called Sarvasana, corpse pose.
All you do is lie on the floor like a corpse and think relaxing thoughts and don't move. Try not to be too good at this posture though as there is always the risk that someone not in your class could mistake you for a real corpse and bury you alive, do NOT try this posture anywhere near a cemetery or a live funeral, as I can not be responsible for the consequences. The campers are a lively lot, aged between 7 and 15 and I look forward to teaching them sanskript and helping them achieve the goal of yoga - samadhi - my new word of the day, which means bliss and self realization, by lying still and doing nothing but letting go. As an extra safety measure I put a sign out in front of the campground, Funeral Directors Not Welcome.
posted by Scottish Princess | 7/01/2006 10:52:00 PM | 2 comments links to this post
