In fact I even started dancing as well. I was getting into the groove of it. I will cheer up these poor Santas and reindeers, I will do anything as long as they don't take my new IPhone.

Someone gave me $20. I took off my scarf.

Someone gave me $5. I took off my white glove. $25 = new Chanel lipgloss.

The Santa in the red bikini said,"I just lost my job at Wachovia Bank, now look at me. These dollars are to pay for my wee ones school dinners. I have been dancing for three weeks solid." I gave her my $25.

The night went on and the boozing and dancing got wilder and more frantic.

I stood lost in thought for a moment, picturing myself on the high seas surrounded by Swashbuckling Johnny Depp Types, finding all sorts of treasure, then I remembered I hate the long sparkly gypsey skirt look, that is not me, it would never have worked. Plus my diet is so particular they would have had to take a gourmet vegetarian chef along, and what if they tied my ankles with heavy iron chains and made me walk the plank when I refused to scrub the docks. No second thoughts, maybe not.

"Sp, Sp, wake up, you forgot your mission. Find someone who still has a dream that Santa can make come true." said a lovely,fluffy,kind Polar Bear lady, "Take it from me, a life with the Pirates is not for a Princess like you."

"You are a tasty morsel, fair Princess, come to sea with me and I will show how a real man does his lovin and a kissin'. Forget about the meltdown and all this economy crap, we Pirates make loads of dosh, bull or bear, rain or shine.I have a wee diamond for you in my trooser pocket, reach in and get it, Hardy Har, Har!"

I was kind of temped, well he did have a glint in his eye and I always fancied a life at sea, think of all the swimming I could do.

"You are being really sleazy and tacky, Pirate Santa Sam, let the Dancing Queen do her job in peace without you heckling her like a lout, have you no manners. The SP abhors Sleazy guys."

"Who you calling Sleazy Princess Pinky? Take off that white fluffy jacket of yours and let's see what you have got for starters. You look pretty juicy yourself."

"How dare you , I am the SP and my jacket stays on, you louse." Secretly I was rather pleased he had the hots for me too! Maybe I am not finished yet.

"Off,off,off".

"Take it off, take it off,"shouted Pirate Santa Sam. "We need cheering up. I am coming up on stage to rip off that wee bikini top of yours as a souvenir, me lady, Hardey Har, Shiver me Timbers."

Dancing Queen, Young and Sweet, Only Seventeen. Abba blared in the background.

All the Santas were getting very rowdy and excited as the Dancing Queen took the stage, stamping their feet, cheering, shouting. I was too, she was pretty hot. I stood watching mesmerized. Boy she could move.

I wish I could wear a sexy outfit like that and have all the Santas cheer for me, I thought. I think that is my dream. Never mind the shidduchs and Prince Charmings. My outfit seemed all dowdy and frumpy now. I was getting depressed myself, I will be good company for these gloomy Santas.

"Now you Elfy Chops, sit quietly and watch the dancing. Santa Dancing Queen is coming back on and she wants some nice tips so behave and she may do a private dance for you. Sit down and be good. Your Mexican buddy wants you to go sit over there with him so you have a good view, off you go now, on your way.. yes over there. Very good."

He trundled off quietly, the IPhone sudddenly forgotten as the Dancing Queen started grooving and swaying her hips to the grinding soul music.

"Eh Gringo Preenncess, don't worry about that one, Ees bark is bigger than Ees bite, but for goodness sake put your Iphone away. Folks have been killed for less in here, when is the dancing starting again, do you know?Arreeba, go Santa Queen."

"Not likely. I am sorry times are so hard. Here's a quarter for the Elfy Fund and leave me and my IPhone alone. I just got it and I love it and it has loads of cool Apps too like Pandora and Shazam and Night Camera and Wikipanion and To Do and Wunderradio and..."

Santa's Little Helper brought out his sweet little sign which looked more like a club he was going to beat me over the head with than anything else.

"OOOh, I want it give it over. Or Else." He growled. They always said watch the ones with red hair. I handed over my most precious item in the world.

" Yuk. Pink case. I hate pink, clashes with my hair. Take it back. Get me another case and then I will have it.Go now, they sell them on the street I hear."

"Yes Handsome Charming Elfy, of course. I will get you a blue case now."

I put my phone back in my bag quick and ran in the opposite direction. Thank goodness I had the pink case on it tonight, what a godsend. I see these Santas and Elves are desperate and this mission is really quite dangerous. I needed more troops.

"Now cough up, Ladycakes. You must have something for a poor Elfy in need. You look loaded, let's see in that sheep purse of yours. OOOWW, an IPhone, the white one, the 3G. That will do nicely for the Elfy Fund, hand it over."

Elfy looked rather sinister as he stared me straight in the eye.

"Ach, will ye stop with yer gabbing lass and get back to dancing and cheer us up. I had to switch to H2O I have been boozin' that long.Do a jig or something Irish, we are tired of the pole dancing. Elves want jigs, elves want jigs," said the shockheaded redheaded Elfy with the giant black belt. He looked exhausted.

"What's your story?" we asked him.

"I got me jotters, didn't I from Macy's after 18 years of hard work and devotion to the kidlets. Said they won't be needing Elfys no more and I should clean chimneys or build highways as part of Obama's rejuvenation scheme. So I came here to be with friends. What day is it? What time is it? I lost track. Is it light outside? Do you have a nickel, Missy you look like a nice sort."

"Santas here need cheering up,ladies. I too have been looking for a happy one, now for over one month. Good luck.It ain't easy. It is pretty bleak in here, be warned."

SSHHH, Tati, see if she is one of ours or one of theirs.

She doesn't look too depressed,maybe she is a spy like us, sent to tantalize the Santas into bearing their souls and inner truths. Or maybe she is just the Official Cheerer Upper.

"Tati, stop smooching the camera, will you join our mission. Do you still have dreams?" asked Claudinsky.

"I do and I will join the Royal Mission. But all these Santas are disorderly,drunk and depressed, is there any hope?"

"I am in," said Claudinsky. "Santas are needed and so are dreams. Recession or not. I will gather the gang."She volunteered.

I ran home and threw on some sparkly wig and my SP tiara and my magic wand from Santacon years gone by, cobbled an outfit together and then ventured downtown to see the Sad Santas.

I need some help in this task so I rounded up some mates.

Put your Santa gear on Love Tribe we have a mission. In this crowd of Santas one of them must have helped someone make their dream come true and we must find that one.