SP, what is the commotion about, you will wake Raphy, please quieten down

"You have been in the loo for ages , are you ok?

Why are you staring at my son's Y Fronts? Have you picked up some wierdo perverted fetish for young lads undies in NY, honestly SP what next with you, this is very sad really. "
She was non too pleased.

I can explain, it is the Skelly logo that upsets me, They will seize him. Raphy must burn these undies right away and I hope no one knows he has them. He is in very grave danger , I repeat, very grave danger.

"Never have I heard such nonsense in my life. These are my son's favorite undies and we are not burning them nor throwing them away. Now we can talk about something else, please, all this Skelly claptrap is boring and tiresome. Surely you must have some news, you must have had one or two good dates, is there still no one?"

I think I prefer to talk about Skellys than dates, more exciting by far.

"Well, there is this one guy but it all went horribly wrong within 5 minutes because he didn't like the SP sense of humor," blah, blah, I droned on and on and she nodded sympathetically as friends do, but on the way out I pocketed the offending undies and socks and shoved them in an outdoor bin with a lid. I can't take any chances especially with Wee Raphy, he doesn't want a future of ironing Skelly shirts, well they don't wear shirts, make that ironing grimy blankets with Batwing droppings.

Exhausted after a fruitless day of Skelly Hunting

I went to visit my best friend Desiree in her Maida Vale residence , and if there wasn't a pair of miniature Skelly socks and wee Raphael boy undies hanging to dry over the radiator. I was stunned.

The Skellys are smart going for the young 'uns. What no one realizes is if you wear their logo that is the secret signal that you are on their side. Don't think joining them will protect you, it just identifies you as a first easy, slave target. Soon they will have you pouring their tea, or should I say hot grime slush as that is what they drink, frying their bats wings, giving their bones a seaweed salt scrub, taking their photos, who knows what other slimy menial tasks are in store. None of them fun, that I know.

I have to warn Desiree immediately , her darling son is in great danger wearing these undergarments.

London is full of monuments that make perfect Skelly hideouts

But everywhere I looked I came up blank.

On the way home we passed a very stern and serious Buckingham Palace guard standing very erect at his post

"Er, excuse me is the Queen at home? I am the SP and we are distant cousins, you know, except I have more LLS and blog followers than her , so she is a tad jealous of me but lets not go there now. By the way, have you seen a stray Skelly on the loose?I know you would mash him up with that weapon of yours, so I am sure they avoid you like the plague."

He stood very stiff and uttered not a peep, so I just took his photo very casually and moved on.

Saint Twit, the patron saint of Tweeting smiled down at me from his prominent mosaic in the Abbey

"Don't despair,SP. Just tweet your SP Followers, Skelly Sighting at WA a hoax, false alarm. Go back to your daily business."

All the birds twittered in unison next to him. I think they were secretly laughing together at my bungled Skelly Hunting fiasco. Saint Twit had a funny smirk on his noggin too. Ah well. They should be pleased to see me, not every day the SP darkens the door of the Abbey, I am Jewish after all.

The Abbey was very impressive but seemed very devoid of ghouls and you know what's.

It was very peaceful and the incense made me want to meditate but there was not a minute to waste.

My searching had been fruitless . I guess catching a Skelly is like finding a good Prince who falls madly in love with you the moment he claps eyes on you , damn nigh almost impossible.

Ok I must keep my spirits up or wee Kenzie will wonder what is wrong with his Auntie SP.

That was a total wild goose chase but at least I got to see the abbey before all the crowds descend for William and Kate Middleton's wedding.

( how did she do it? she managed to nab her Prince Wills, surely she could put a book out on How to Nab Your Prince and rise from Commoner to Royalty. I think it would be an instant best seller.

Now my book , The SP Guide to Catching Skellys and Turning an Enemy into a Friend , so far it is not even a page written. I also plan to publish Dating Skellys, Dos and Donts. ( after my experience with Sam Skelly) Don't wear white as they are very grubby. Don't refuse the Batwing snacks they get very offended, just discreetly spit into a plant pot. Don't tell them you are dating others , they are highly possessive. Do accept a massage as their bony fingers get in all the nooks.

Inside the abbey I searched high and low for Skelly signs

Mosaics - tick
People looking very virtuous whilst praying - tick
Candles, large and small - tick
Pictures of Jesus and other holy figures - tick
Skellys - x cross - none where were the scoundrels hiding? Urgh.

I started looking under the pews but after a few cold stares, despite my " looking for my contact lens" line, I stood in the middle of the abbey. Zilcho Skellys, maybe they were at lunch, napping , dating, at a conference, at a meeting, working in doctors offices , hiding in paintings waiting to spring out at night, who knows!

My sister was so impressed I could read the Latin on the front

Please bring any prospective boyfriends here once they see what a dab hand you are at Latin, they will ask for your hand immediately.

Behind you, the abbey I see it!

Now where was the Skelly hiding ? I can't wait to catch one, boy will he get it from me.

Let's look at the A to Z, Westminster Abbey what would that be under? W?

My sister is so resourceful , wish I had thought of that.

We jumped on the bus, in London you use the old oyster card and you can get anywhere

Georgia and Kendra gripped Kenzie as he was jumping up and down at the thought of seeing a real live Skelly in the flesh, well in the bones.

"He looks friendly, let's ask him, Sis."

"Please Sir, did you hear a Skelly is on the loose. Sculptures normally get the scoop first as they all talk to each other. How do we get to the abbey?"

"SP, I am just a temporary art piece and still getting the hang of London, why not look at the map, I am stuck here by the Canal, would love to see the abbey , can I join you all? I will show the Skellys a thing or two." Wow, that was a brave sculpture, fearless!

Suddenly my 4G started ringing - urgent message - Skelly Sighting

Sorry everyone we need to go investigate, Hyde Park will be here tomorrow.

"Sis, what is the fastest way to Westminster abbey? "

Kenzie , look ART, repeat after me I love Anish Kapoor

You must start them young, no philistines allowed in my family.

My sister Georgia and her son Kenzie were both impressed by the Anish Kapoor piece in the park and oowed and aahed

Kenzie, one day when you grow big you will be a famous art collector too, so start appreciating art now, never too early, I told my wee nephew, but he was far more interested in the spring flowers.

The next day very refreshed after my nap, I walked around the sweeping lawns of Hyde Park.

Bang flat in the middle of the big lawn, was a ginormous Anish Kapoor mirror. People were taking photos. Nobody looked peckishly at the piece. If Wendy's family were in the park, they may want to take a bite out of it and that could be a potentially dangerous move for them as public art is protected by the state and not meant for human consumption even by famous art collectors.

Goodnight all, don't mention I am up here

please, a wee nap is just what I need.

Nighty, nighty,
Pajama, pajama. ( that is what Wee Mumsy says )

Please God keep me safe and don't let the Skellys get me in my sleep, or anywhere else for that matter.

God bless the LLS.

God bless the SP. Long may I reign in peace.

God please free Ai Wei Wei, the rotten Chinese government put him in jail. Please make sure he comes to no harm.

God, please help all the Japanese people after all their suffering from the tsunami and earthquake and help build them new homes.

God, please help all the poor Arab and African people who are fighting for their freedom. Many have asked that the horrid dictators like Gaddafi who rule them be instantly deposed and replaced by a fun, friendly, sexy, well dressed ruler, ie. the SP, that would be me.

I really would like to rule over all these countries but the weather may be a bit hot and they don't have the Hamptons or Prada so it may not work. But I could always do a brief ruling sabbatical then come back to the Hamptons for the weekend. Mind you it might be a bit far, but I would clock up the air miles. But now I have this new Amex card that gives you triple points I don't need to do so much flying. No, I should go, all these poor people have been downtrodden for too long they need someone fun and cool like me. What would Princess Diana do, she would go , she would pack the Prada motorcycle boots and go. Ok it is decided, I am going. Who wants me first, Egypt,( good sightseeing, I could pick up that Egyptian rose attar perfume I like) ..Syria, Tunisia ( good cous cous and carpets) Morocco, ( good tea, I am getting all confused with which country sells what,I am tired, that is why.)

Congo.. No way too scary. Ok I will figure out which country to go to tomorrow when I am fresher or maybe my advisors could do
something useful for a change and advise me.

Right. Back to my nap. Darn it I wasted all that time. No wait prayers are never a waste. For the second and last time night all.

( hope that wasn't Marni footsteps I just heard coming up, no, phew.)

Zzzzzzzzzz..........

I am tired, jet lagged, exhausted from fighting all the Skellys, do you think Wendy would mind...

....or even notice if I just slipped into her bed for a teeny wee nap whilst she tidies up and tries to get the stragglers to go home.

I will take my boots off..

It is so soft and furry and white and crisp and fresh and .....

Och well I will have some tomato soup instead

I wish it was tomato rice flavor but plain old tomato will do I suppose. Let's see if I can open it?

Drat, drat and double drat, F A K E. Fake as well! It is all spongy and not metal at all. What is the world coming to when you can't get a simple mouthful of soup. I guess in her house they just eat the art instead. That must get quite pricy.

( I hope no one eats the Anish Kapoor , that would be a real waste.I would eat some of the other art pieces first at least. Anyway it is not my house, they can eat what they want, I guess.)

Maybe hiding in the Marmite or Campbell's tomato soup cans?

Wait a minute they don't eat that type of thing, bats wings and grime for them.

Do you think Wendy would mind if I had a wee spoonful of Marmite we don't get it in the states and I miss it. It is a HUGE jar, biggest I ever saw in fact, one taste won't hurt anyone surely?

Awwwww, bother, it is art not Marmite at all, that totally sucks, the canapés were nice but not really filling, I was hoping a wee dash of Marmite would hit the spot. I thought she kept it in here for when she got peckish and could not be bothered running downstairs to the kitchen.