You should have done the sit in at Mary Boone, you scaredy cat! Ya big woose!

A week later I was in London, visiting my adorable wee nephew Kenzie.

Needless to say he was not impressed at my half assed commitment to the global world struggle.

"You are not supposed to be on my case about this type of thing, you are two years old. What about hi Aunty Princess, thanks for my new Richard Scary book, Go Cat Go. Or you look so very beautiful most adored Auntie, I have missed you painfully every second of every day, thank goodness you are back on London soil. Not even a hello do I get? Wee sis, must you disparage me to a two year old. His criticism is most wounding. All the gallery hopping had tired us out. A cup of tea was unanimously agreed upon to be the best course of action after seeing Debuffet and Ai Wei Wei in one go. One must absorb the art."

Here I am smiling at my new Self , Political Blogger Extraordinaire

We can do an Occupy Mary Boone Gallery Chelsea Sit in. We will not budge at 6pm when the gallery is supposed to shut, all the global news will be about us and Ai Wei Wei will thank us for making his art piece even more famous. Together we will put our tongue out at the Chinese government.
Gosh, I hope they don't put me in a Chinese prison, I hear they have no wifi, the curtains don't match and the menu is unsuitable for vegetarians.
Gulp!

"Cup of tea," said Aileen.
"I thought you'd never ask." I replied. So out we trooped at 5.35pm , a good half hour before closing time.
Ah well so I won't be making the news with my gallery sit in. Good to know my limitations. I will just have to leave the hard core radical stuff to the experts.

I hope Ai Wei Wei is not too disappointed. Damien Hirst is probably relieved , he would have wanted the sit in at the Gagosian no doubt. Except the Dots are not meant to suggest oppressed people so that would not have worked.

As a group the sunflower seeds looked very much like a large assemblage of sunflower seeds.

"Oh," I said,"of course I deeply resonate with the message here, I totally get it. Brilliant , Ai Wei Wei does it again, he never disappoints."

They were quite beautiful just as they were, but now that the guard had told us the whole in depth biting political message, the piece was transformed to something radical and exciting.

Ai Wei Wei said himself, "There are no sports greater than throwing stones at a dictatorship," now he could change that to "throwing sunflower seeds at a dictatorship". Nice.

He continues," ... or as exciting as the gang-fight style of the digital world."

This blog counts, here I am a humble Scottish Princess of poor Glaswegian origins, taking up the cause of the million oppressed Chinese right here in this blog, doing my bit in the " gang-fight style of the digital world."

Oh boy, who needs guys when you can join ranks with Ai Wei Wei, world class artist! Boy did I feel good about myself.

I reached down to the floor

Were the sunflower seeds edible? I was about to touch one , when the guard rushed over and said, "Eh, Do not touch, eat or spit out the art. Back off Missus."

He must have had some Israelis visiting the gallery. They are big eaters of sunflower seeds and drop the shells everywhere.

"These sunflower seeds are individually carved in precious materials by individually oppressed folk from China. As a group they represented the united downtrodden people of China. This art is made by The 99%. This Sunflower Seed piece makes a very important political statement . Didn't you read the one page description sheet?"

And so we gallery hopped to Mary Boone for Ai Wei Wei Sunflowers

This was the climax show for me. Thousands of sunflowers laid out on a big square.

Girls, Girls, that Monkey Head may not look riveting but trust me walk NOT away.

The Sleeping Swimmer opened her eyes for one brief moment.

"I was out with wee Menschy the Mobkey last night. After two weeks of being in this boring show together he finally talked me into a date. Now look at me, he took me swimming to the pool on the roof of his Deluxe Chelsea Condo and Ravished me with a Capital R for hours. Ooh, the joy of his soft fuzzy beard, he tickled me all over with it. I am beat, I don't have the energy even to get dressed. I told the gallery owner I was taking the day off, but he insisted I was in the show as usual so I said ok but I am staying like this I just want to drool and dream about my hot night with Menschy the Monkey, yummieeee. Ladies, he get's a 10, make that 110."

And with that, she closed her eyes and went back to sleep the pool water still dripping on her damp shoulders.

"See," said Menschy,"you too could experience a Night of Pure Joy. Who wants to meet at the Rooftop Pool of my Chelsea digs tonight?"

We all three looked at each other.

The Doc stepped forward. 8pm she said boldly.

"You got it babe. Be there or be square and bring your La Perla Cossie, for some after hours fun." Menschy looked thrilled at the thought of a new conquest .

"Doc, he will probably drag you up to the pool by your hair and you just got expensive highlights, are you sure you want to go through with this?"

"So you think just you are to have adventures, we can review my Monkey Date next week, I am getting tired of talking of your disappointments time for some of my own! Didn't you see the Swimmer, she looked blissed out , I need some of that action. Monkey or not, I'll take it."
With that she stormed out the Gallery tossing her card at the Monkey, who hid it in his beard with a smug grin.

"Wait, wait, Doc, we have Ai Wei Wei Sunflowers still to do, just one more show, this is the Biggey!"

We scampered off into the fresh night air and this time it was my best pal that had the smile on her face.

Linda whined , I have seen enough art, how about Nap Time or a hot chocolate?

Aww come on, look at this lovely Monkey. It is all alone and needs some love too.
We all three gazed at the weird monkey. What was it?
Mr Monkey tell us about you, I asked him.
" Aahh you mean me," smiled the Monkey, " I am the Ultimate Primal Man, I am a Manly Monkey. A night with me and you will have the time off your life! I always cover the check, taxis and other MissAl Expenses, but once I get you home, I demand many hours of sex and I don't take no for an answer. Plus I can tickle you behind your ears with my feet, beat that. Now I know all three are free for The Day of Horrors, you Princess, let me put you out of your misery this year and we can go wild! You in? Doc? Yoga Hamptons Girl? Anyone? Hurry and decide, who is it to be?"
Well this monkey head took us quite aback with his bold, ballsy confidence.

Yoga Girl he is all yours, after lugging Morris around all last week, I am not getting stuck carrying a Monkey Head around, my name is already dirt in several cafes in the East Village. Fuggettaboutit.
I very kindly surrendered my opportunity for a Dream Date to my girlfriend. I hope this is appreciated, Eastyoga, you get the Monkey, I told you it is easy to find love in the City! Swap FB coordinates and let's go.

But The Dots just reminded me of a very sore topic, you know who!

Girls let's Skeedaddle, no offense Damien, but these Dots are bringing back painful memories. I am out of here, pronto, let's catch another hot show. At least we can catch shows, if we can't quite master boys or Muppets! Hurry the galleries close soon.

Mr Guard, are we allowed to take a photo right here

I was not wanting any heads to roll on my behalf.
"Dinna fret lassie, as long as you are IN the photo, Damien allows it. Do you want me to take it ? "
Trust Damien Hirst to come up with a way to allow his paintings to be broadcast across the globe and get all this free publicity and Hoo Ha from this here world famous blog.

Linda, we could not resist showing you The Dots!

Five minutes later at Gagosian on 24th, we were back against our favorite show. Damien Hirst The Dots.
They were just as impressive. The odd thing was everyone was taking Profile Pics all over the show and the Guards were doing nothing about it! They must have been told the more profile pics the more paintings will be sold, who knows!

Despite DeBuffet's failing eyesight , is this painting not remarkable?

I tried my usual diversionary tactics.
But, she fired back in,"Well another day of Extreme Loneliness, Humiliation and Feeling Sorry for yourself is it? Surely this will not be the 6th Day of Horrors spent alone again!
You should cancel your JDate and Match subscriptions and buy a painting instead as something is not working for you, or maybe it is just you! You know the Psychoanalyst Society offer half price sessions during this Day of Horrors period." She smiled but it was more about getting that perfect Facebook shot than real sympathy for Moi.
"Ggrrrr! You are so comforting sometimes! Nice to know I have someone on my side. We are supposed to be focusing on DeBuffet today, remember", I growled.

Linda piped in,"Can't you spare her just this week. Cut her some slack and me too. I have my Netflicks Agenda all planned out for The Day of Horrors, Appetizer Downton Abbey, entree Portlandia and Pudding,Curb Your Enthusiasm, by the time I get through that pile, The Day of Horrors will be over." she smiled triumphantly.

"Quick Girls, the Guards are in the other room, say SEX.

This always produces a smile, one must never lose hope!
A moment later the Doc was back to her old quizzing tactics.
"So Princess, now that Old Morris the Muppet is Number one on your Shit List Parade, spill the beans, any plans for The Day of Horrors. It fast approacheth, as I know , we all know, we cannot escape it, try as we might."

A week later and The Art Appreciation Club was prowling the streets of Chelsea again

This week the first stop was Debuffet Late Years. I was delighted by a room full of vibrant swirly colorful enmeshed circular hazes.
Aileen and I amused ourselves by taking sneaky pictures whilst the guards weren't looking. What can be a better Facebook profile pic than against the backdrop of some hot Chelsea show. I was reminded about a recent New York Times Op Ed about the fact all Facebook and Twitter postings generally are a statement of- "look how great I am." Facebook is a chance to puff up your ego and hopefully impress your old high school friends, who probably could care less about Jean DeBuffet's last years.

I loved Night. I wanted it, I opened my wallet and started counting my change.

$43.27. I had only $1700 more to find.

Maurizio, this is my favorite too. Hold it till tomorrow whilst I count my penny pile.

We oohed and aahed and schmoozed some more but eventually it was time to go. As we headed out to The Standard Hotel to finish our night, Aileen wasted not a minute getting back on topic.

4? She asked eyebrows raised?

Ok 4. So he had drunk too much wine at dinner, so he was slurring his words and hard to hear over the din of the other diners. I had to lean over to the high chair which was uncomfortable and awkward. To top it off, he made me split the bill, you know I don't tolerate that, it amounts to instant cancellation in my world.

Plus I had to pay for his cab phone. And the coup d'état, he made a lunge at me whilst I was carrying him and stuck his tongue down my ear, no questions asked as I was literally tossing him into a taxi and had the nerve to say, what a fantastic night Princepessa , are you free tomorrow?

At least there wasn't a grope though? Aileen smiled. I hope there wasn't a 5.

5, there was a 5 and a 6,7, and 8. But let's just end it at 5 and talk about anything else. What did you think of Night, back there?

Finish it girl? 5?

Ok. Here's 5. He was wearing Roots sweatpants.

Ok, I got it 5 strikes and you are out. The sweatpants seals the deal. That Muppet is Toast. But you might change your mind when you see him in his movie. Did you get the Comps at least?

No, he didn't even come through on that one. Said he gave them to his sister.

Ah,another one bites the dust. You know what they say, All's Fair in love and War. She put a sympathetic hand on my shoulder as we headed up to the rooftop lounge at The Standard.

Did you check your Daily Matches for today yet? Anyone lined up for tomorrow night? Don't give up SP, he is out there but maybe next time try someone your height at least.

And so ended Morris. I still want to see the Movie though.....

I see you met my Geisha Girls, Willy and Nilly

Aren't they adorable? Yours for a song tonight! They go back to Italy in 2 weeks as I am Maurizio the artist from Firenze. Enchante, ladies. I am glad you like the show.

Hi Maurizio congrats this is fabulous I love them all. Tell me can you switch Willy and Nilly off at night or do they always talk at will. It could get annoying, no?

Of course you can't switch them off, can you switch yourself off , you have been chatting all night with Aileen here , so why shouldn't they talk?

Come see Night, my favorite. He beckoned us over to the other side of the small gallery which was teeming with folks.

We come as a pair, $3000 for us both

We look fabulous in the Hamptons, NY lofts , even your office. Buy us now, we don't want to go back to Italy we love NY!" they chimed in unison.

Italy ? I thought they were Japanese? Wow, they talk too, I think that could get annoying their voices are too high and they might never shut up.

I love these two ladies only $1500 each, a bargain after the Damien Dots

They would look fabulous in your Gramercy pad,Aileen.

We nipped into a Japanese photography show en route.

It was a great distraction from 4 as we schmoozed with the artist and gallery owners.

I love this one! I wish I had room and a spare $750k to snap it up.

3? Aileen seemed more interested in 3 than the dots.

Well 3) so we got to Cafe Mogador on St Marks where we had to wait 25 long minutes for a table with more whining from you know who and then they insisted on putting Morris on a high chair. It is simply not sexy when your date is on a high chair, how can you take him seriously? I kept wanting to do the baby feeding weaning my sisters do and cut up his pita and lay it out on his tray in neat wee squares.
Plus Morris never stops talking about all his issues! We weren't at Zuccati Park anymore we were on a date where the attention is supposed to be focused on moi! Moi! SP! Yours Truly! Not Miss Piggy for president and how her campaign is going. I know all the Muppets will vote for her, but what about the rest of the US? Plus he made me cough up $50 for her campaign funds and towards the pledge to end frogs legs in all NY restaurants, in the middle of dinner and I had to sign 5 petitions. It was a bore and a drag.

Ok, 3 sounds bad, quite bad. She sympathized, nodding whilst taking in a giant salmon pink colored dot.

There wasn't a 4, I hope. Did he go for the end of the night snog and grope?

Let's go down to 21St for the other show , I need some air, I said, avoiding 4 best I could.

Ok, so you left, so? What was 2)

We wandered round the show, chatting in low tones so as not to disturb the Young and the Beautiful Art Hipsters.

2) it gets worse... He did not tell me I would have to carry him all night on my arm and he was heavy and combined with carrying my own White Prada rucksack my back was hurting shlepping around the city carrying him everywhere like a giant baby. It wasn't sexy at all carrying your date, and he kept complaining I wasn't holding him in the right way. He was whining about that, the nasty weather and the fact the Sequel to the Muppet Movie was postponed and never once asked me about me.

And 3? She asked.