From the looks of it Rufus had been quite busy putting his own band of boys together.

"EEhrmm, my dear Nice Doggiekins Mr Rufus, have you got a minute," I asked Rufus, who I will tell you right now just totally ignored me, I mean no one or nothing does that to the SP, bloody cheek. I tried another tougher approach.

"Rufus. Sit. Lie Down. Fetch. "

Nothing, as if I was not even there. He and his creepy pale faced chronies were dancing around in strange ghoulish costumes and even worse, sharpening long steely knives.

"Now Rufus, I can see you may think you are kind of busy with your new East Village buddies, who look awful like has been rejects from a Kiss Concert if you ask me. But I have a very important message for you from someone even more important than me and that is saying something. Please stop sharpening those knives, the sound is going right through me. Rufus. Come HERE NOW."

But Rufus just danced around and around , waving those super sharp pointy knives in the sky. He seemed drunk, drugged, delirious and most definitely DERANGED. He was yelling and singing at the top of his doggie voice.

" Ho, Ho, Ho and Away We Go. Ruff, Ruff, Ruff, Rufus is Hot Stuff.

A nice little quote from the sound track of the show CIRCUS CONTRAPTION comes to my mind right now...."we'll drink their blood and use their bonesto build ge-o-desic domes..."tell *da boyz* to just chill while I get MY crew....two whacked out mo-f**kin Vietnam vets that also survived the collapse of the World Trade Center on 9/11.And just to show Im a reeeeeal nice dawggie..Ill let them get the first serving of freshly sliced Prosciutto and Figs. Its been ten years since I sliced some good Di Parma...but I hear its just like ridin a bike. I hope Perky or Porky or Pinko or whatever doesnt have issues with Sodium in his diet cuz before he can say PASS THE COKE AND BROWN SUGAR GLAZE AND CLOVES....his lil piggie self is gonna be curing in lots of good SALT. Least the part that they make into Prosciutto. The rest will be Canadian Bacon (Irish will do in a pinch), and since I'm a quarter Pollack...mixed with enough garlic to kill a family of vampires and made into smoked Kielbasi."

"Rufus, stop this carrying on at once ", I said in my strictest best Prime of Miss Jean Brodie Scots accent. "You must listen to this message from Pearl the Sad Angel. The future of the Dog and Pig Race in New York City is at stake here."

I leant over to Rufus' snarling sharp teeth and frothing canine jaws and pushed the little red love heart to his snout. "Read this, you crazy FireMutt."

But Rufus in one decisive snap just opened his wolf like jaws, and with a ferocious snarl he grabbed my little red heart and swallowed it in one gulp, the way Doggies do, never even stopping to read his message, Peace in your Heart.

"What kind of crap appetizer do you call that? Stop feeding me all this junk. How many times do I have to tell you. Now get out my way ,SP, me and my boyz have things to do."

They all marched off, leaving me standing alone, the heart message devoured.

"Oh, Oh," I thought, my head bowed in shame, "Pearl the Sad Angel will not like this one bit. Failed Again. Poor Percy."

Meanwhile Rufus had gathered some sweet natured pals of his own down in the East Village and from what I could see they were building up quite a viscious appetite.

Hey Porky....following the mantra of YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT....Id strongly suggest alternating days where you include fennel seeds and sage in your diet. I loooooooove pork chops stuffed with pork sausage filling and sage. But I also love Italian sausage with hella lotta Fennel Seed (even if my Eye-talian Captain taught me they only do that with the cheaper ones to give them a boost in the flava department).The Firefighters I lived with in East Noo Yawk for 4 years were among the bestest firehouse chefs that ever fed my lil bottoless pit. I learned soooooooo much about food from them. Trust me...your demise will be for SUCH a noble undetaking.

Gulp I thought that does not sound too peaceful to me.

"You are quite sure? You didn't start any trouble of any kind?" Pearl, as is her name, the Sad Angel asked.

"Well my expensive costume got ruined in the Sexy Montauk Singles battle to the death, free for all, in the rose petal paddling pool and I was violently sick after eating my own organic raw veggie doggie chews that the naughty FireMutt Rufus refused to eat. That's about it." I replied.

"Typical,"said Pearl," It is all about YOU, YOUR expensive costume, YOU got sick. What about the massive war that is now being waged between Rufus and Percy the Pink Pig, both of whose lives are in danger as this whole thing is now totally out of hand. Every Pig in this town is after every Dog in this town. Nobody is thinking of love any more, rather the focus is the best way to make apple sauce for pork chops or delivering fresh Dog Meat to the nearest Chinese takeaway restaurant.

Princess, you FAILED. MISERABLY.

Take this new red heart message and go and find Percy and Rufus at once, give them my message and help them make up or you will have blood on your hands, my dear foolish girl."

OOPS, I looked at the new red heart. Sure enough there was a new message.

PEACE IN YOUR HEART.

I was walking home from Union Square, when all of a sudden my Sad Angel appeared before me.

She was a beautiful white vision, her goodness and purity of spirit gave her a magical glow, a contrast to the break dancers, commuters, and New Yorkers rushing to find fun in restaurants, bars, parties, classes, or traipsing home alone after a long day in the daily grind of the Big Apple.

"Scottish Princess," she called out, "Stop right there. What on earth have you been up to? Have you been spreading the simple message
LOVE IS IN YOU,just like I asked?"

"I most certainly have, I went all the way to Montauk to the Burning Man Beach Ball in quest of a spring fling at the very least and hopefully a lot more for me and all my single friends and SP Followers. You should be proud of me."

"And that is it? No mishaps of any kind? "she asked me in a funny, not really friendly if you ask me, tone of voice.

"HEY Rufus, We just got a Text from Percy the Pink Pig. He is not too happy with you and he asked us to pay a "wee friendly home visit" if you get our jist. We got your number, man.

We know exactly where you rest your weary bones at night. Kennel 254, ThreeBones Road, just east of West 49th Street. You might think of moving your kennel to China pretty damn quick, although we heard they make a mighty fine doggie stew over there, Ha! Ha! Taste of your own medicine, Buster.

Anyone messes with Percy and they have us to deal with. We have a few Ancient Secret Warrior tricks up our sleeves I would not recommend you experience.....

Kennel 254... Three Bones Road. Mr Taxi Driver and don't spare the horses, we and the boys have some urgent business to attend to on the West Side of Town. You Junior Mugabi son, stop giggling or we won't let you come with us. This is serious, Percy's life is at stake.

Move it driver, there is $50 bucks in it for you if you can get us there pronto."

Oh my gosh, Rufus is in for it, I knew he should have stayed vegetarian, much safer, I had better try and warn him fast.

"Hey, Did someone say pork sausages, OVER MY DEAD BODY.

Rufus, you just try it. I have a fierce left hand hook. Nobody eats Percy, the Pink Pig and lives to tell the tale.

Rufus, me and my Porkie henchman boys are looking for you, we got your number man. If I was you I would hang loose in that kennel of yours, better for you if it was in China (where they are very partial to Dog or so I hear) till things calm down or you will be praying to get back to the day when life was so simple and all you had to think about was a beautiful Scottish princess offering you a delicious Veggie Organic chews, PS I tried them and they are so good. I scoffed the whole damn lot when the silly SP wasn't looking. Yummy scrummy scrumptious they were too."

Rufus wrote me last night with a complaint or perhaps one might say a helpful suggestion on the way to a Doggie Fireman's heart.

"Ruff, Ruff, Hey Miss Groovy Scottish Princess or dare I may be so bold as to call you my Scottish Mistress....

Lookie here, Lady, what do you expect when you give a working firemutt veggie and organic healthy chews. We mutts hate that kind of green crap. Not everybody likes your cookie, healthy, faddy diet. You'd have fared much better had it been chicken or pork sausage chews, or at least something that actually tastes good w MSG, like the leftovers of your Chinese chicken chow mein.

My sweet but ill informed Mistress, next time you might wanna try scratching my tummy rather than bossing me around. It would have gotten me on my back and well... more willing.

Niiiiiice photo of me though. I got a lot of crazy cats chasing me now that I am famous after your last blog post. Gotta run, got things to do, bones to find, fires to extinguish, cats to chase, crying babies stuck in burning homes to rescue, sniffing duties. Ruff, Ruff, Ruff!"


Gosh, who knew? That Rufus really has a mind of his own. Don't know if I could tame him to obey me wholeheartedly, a strict requirement for any SP Spring Fling Contender.

We will pop him back on the maybe pile. Guess I'll have to eat his veggie chews myself, we Scots are not inclined to waste anything.

Ok, here goes. I always fancied being a dog, free to do nothing but eat and sleep. SP SIT. Good Girl. Open Wide. Yummy , yummy.

Euurgh, YUK, these chews are revolting. He was right. Doctor, get me a doctor, quick, I feel sick. I want my money back.

OK Free for all. I give up. Anything goes. Dive into the swimming pool of rose petals and hope you come up with someone decent in the grab bag.

Good luck SP Followers, happy hunting.......

"ouch, ouch, you are squashing me, this is a very expensive costume you know.

Oops I got a girl, try again. Robert the Bruce, A Scottish hero said if at first you dont succeed, try, try try again.

He got that right.

Oiiey, I saw that cute one first. He's mine. See Ya....."

Jules and Wheylan, Now you pair just stop it, enough already.

This is just overkill. Go home and be deliriously happy in your own home, in private, please.

Have a thought for the rest of us out there, who dream of having a pea sized love affair if we are lucky and we already know it is over before it even starts for some reason or whatever because all of us are too picky, too fussy, stuck in our ways, etc etc.

Can somebody arrest this pair as they have become a health risk to everyone else's sanity.

SHOO, SHOO, BE OFF WITH YOU, Go play with Rufus and feed him a Raw Veggie Chew, they are very inexpensive and Rufus loves them to bits. (Hah, that fooled them.)

Sickening they look so happy and have adorable matching costumes which they painstakingly make themselves for themselves. And they even are fabulous hoopers which is really hot and cool and makes all the rest of us jealous who are like me and can not even skip with a rope , let alone hoop.

Jules , you are beautiful and an inspiration to all us single Princesses, you see LOVE IS POSSIBLE.

Here is Proof.

Maybe the Sad Angel found them already,before me, that must be it. I mean what other explanation can there be for this obvious happiness when everyone else is lonely, suffering, miserable. She probably tagged them at least a year ago.

Enjoy Guys, show us the way.

The Faun from Pans Labyrinth, seems to be going for the Edward Scissorhands look which is really a hot look for Spring.

Mr Faun, I know a very reasonable Korean manicurist who could do wonders with those nails.

I am not sure about being stuck in a corner with him though, looks a bit scary to me. That poor blonde lady looks terrified.

NEXT.

Wow , this crazy Cat in the Hat gal from Toronto whispered to me at the Montauk Burning Man Beach Ball:

"My sweet Miss SP with your black angel wings, I heard you did a marvellous job finding love for the Lady of The Box over Valentines Day, how about finding a groovy hottie tottie guy for me? "

"Lady," I said, "There is a huge pile of Maybes and Rejects and Not Sures and Grumpy Chops over there, try them out and get back to me , maybe you will have better luck than me. Bye the way dont bother feeding Rufus the Fireman Dog, Organic Raw Veggie Chews, save them for yourself as he just spits them out and it is a real fiddle cleaning it up. So long and I wish you much success with my Rejects, Miss Crazy Cat in a Hat."

Hhhmmm, a moody Mr Yellow Butterfly Man.

Is that Spring like? But butterflies only live one beautiful day and then VaVoom gone, BuBye. That may explain his sad eyes.

What if I got very attached and we had an incredible first date and then next morning Gone. I couldn't handle it. I don't think he is what the Sad Angel had in mind for me.

Gosh, there is hardly a SOUL left in the pile. Not good.

Oh bother, he looks like he has his own boyfriend already and they look so happy together. Well at least he looks happy which is certainly a good start. Mr Magritte looks like he could be open to suggestions but I don't like smokers, no , no, no good.

Ok, I am scrubbing him off the Maybe pile, which is shrinking. Not good.

Yes, yes, maybe, he is wearing a shirt with spring flowers, do you think that is a sign?

Pink is a good color for him and a color of love. Well lets add him to the Maybe pile, at least it is growing a bit.

How about Pearlz or as he is also known the Divine Swammi G? The pink waistcoat is cute. He is a fantastic dancer. He wears his blue hat at a jaunty angle that really takes my fancy. The red shades are both mysterious and alluring at the same time.

But admittedly, he looks a tad grumpy, I might get on his nerves as I am not easy going and always like to have my own way. I think he just saw me dancing and I got the thumbs down on pirouettes, not my strong point.

Not sure, perhaps he needs some interviewing / screening first. Ok, on the maybe pile.

Hhhmmm, now we are talking. A fireman. In New York , we gals gotta love those men with ladders. Plus I always loved dogs, this chap combines both men, dogs, firemen and ladders, endless hours of fun surely. Snakes and ladders a classic game and twice as fun when you can climb up and down real ladders.

SIT, good fireman doggy.

SIT.

You must always obey the SP.

Good Doggie. Here a vegetarian doggy chew. Yummy. Come back here, Rufus. Dont spit that out. Those doggy chews are raw and very expensive. What a waste.

Rufus, Rufus... I lost him. Ah well, that was a real swift spring fling.

NEXT.

Nah, I don't think so. These guys are cute but I am just not feeling it. Edward Scissorhands is playing in Bam right now which explains the hair dos or hair donts perhaps. I never really got into punk myself.

I know I love tall blokes. But there is tall and there is tall.

NEXT.

Any "J"s left out there?

Jeremiah, all is forgiven..

I decided I had better get a new web team to help me find my spring love affair, after all everyone tells me love is on the internet if you know where to look, I confess I have dabbled in intellect connect, jdate but so far to no avail. It is too much hard work screening the candidates and then they never look like their photos, you know the routine. It sucks.

But how is this size four hot live web guys thatI picked up on the Croisette in Cannes, France. Guess what they look just like their profile and they are all available. Hurrah. Can you delete them if they are bad conversation makers ? What if they do this whole live web cam thing and the whole world can see how bad you yourself are at small talk and that you kiss on the first five minutes, maybe this is not such a good idea. Should I go for it, safety in numbers? .....

Scottie the extremely talented and Papparazzi world famous SP Photographer and latest guestbook signature member has insisted on a royal credit for this touching photo of the SP with the Sad Angel. He silently handed me the little red heart with the secret message today. "This message is meant for you,baby," he said in that irresistable husky low life photographer tone he adopts when addressing me..

Come Closer all.... as this message may have a meaning for you too, listen up everyone, it reads....

Love is in You.

I think the Angel is so sad as she does not see enough love around her and she is probably right.

She had a strong hunch that I was in dire need of a love affair which is why she pulled me over in Times Square that fateful day.

So the first days of spring are here, run outside and have a new fun spring fling instead of an unfun spring clean. Let me know how your new love affair goes as this Sad Angel needs some good news.

I myself am ready for a new love affair. After all I must follow this lead from the Angel, someone is trying to tell me something I simply can not ignore.....

"Hey, SP, come over here, I have a message for you, Miss Princess. This drum is beating as a wake up a call.

WAKE UP, you have fogotten all about your mission and all the scupltures and city art works have ganged up together to try and get you back on track.

It is you who must set the set world on fire. Time is of the essence. Gather your troops and get organized.
GO CAT GO. I am here till the end of June to serve as a reminder. Now be off with you and try and get to bed early for once, all this partying is taking its toll on you, Missy."

Gosh, everyone is ganging up on me now, but they do have a point. Time to focus.

Ps SP Followers , take a detour to Union Square to see my friend the Left Handed Drummer Hare, he may have a special message for you too, only here till June 24th, but watch out he does get a bit snippy.

The very next day I saw a sign that the sad angel was right. A new bronze sculpture called "The Left Handed Drummer," created by the British sculptor Barry Flanagan, was awaiting me in Union Square Park.

Barry told me,"The left handedness of this drummer speaks to the other side of the brain, from the past to the future, another tune in composure. A seed of hope after the conviction. I would subtitle this piece, I don't want to set the world on fire."

But I knew the Left Handed Drummer Hare had a special message for me....

She told me that as far as all the angels could see it looks like I have been very busy enjoying myself at various costume parties and not a thing had I done to get the Royal Scottish Tartan Army over to Iraq.

"My dear SP," she whispered sadly in my ear,"in case you have not noticed things have not got any better over in Iraq and everyone is counting on you and the Queen and your brave recruits to go and sort things out. Also everyone over there, both Sunnis and Shiites and even Prime Minister Nouri al Malaki is excited about the Royal garden party and the Elton John concert you have planned. There has been so many car bombs recently, the situation is a disaster - PLEASE GET FOCUSED ON YOUR MISSION.

So many depend on it."

Gosh, I thought she has a point, I have been so busy judging the Alt Oscars and finding Mr J for the Lady of the Box, I totally forgot about my mission and quest - to find Mr Right for me, I mean to sort out everything in Iraq.

If Queen Esther can get rid of Haman and all his evil cohorts then surely your modern day Princess can do the same. Princess Diana would never have allowed things to get so out of hand over there.

Right Muqtada al-Sadr, watch out, your days are numbered. Quite nice of the angel to pay me a personal visit to remind me to get on with things, I confess I do get easily distracted at the thought of romance or a swinging party.

Right, WHERE IS MY ARMY? I had better go and find them all........

Last week, a beautiful but sad angel stopped me in the Times Square subway.

She said she had a message for me from Him upstairs and she handed me a tiny paper red love heart.

Here I am dressed as Haman with my rattle. Nobody recognized me that night!

No, it is not the Alt Oscars After Party- it is the wildest party day on the Jewish calender - PURIM.

Men dress in drag, everyone takes shots of rum, normally very refined upper east side ladies even get a bit crazy.

The fun part is that when the read the story of Queen Esther in the Magilla Reading, everyone wave rattles and dances at the mention of Haman, who tried to kill all the jews in a fiendish scheme. Luckily Queen Esther outsmarted him and he met a bitter end, which is the way it normally goes or should go for most heinous villains out there. Sadly there is still quite a FEW LEFT.