"Move it Buster, I am thirsty. Now, not next year. Got it? Hear me, I said, Move IT, you are in the way of me and a cold beer, look at those ghastly tan chinos, Urgh, don't you know this is an all black party, can't you read, you total moron, now you are really getting on my wick. Move it NOW or face the consequences."

No wonder he wears that mask. He seems to get into alot of scrapes.

Just as I was reaching for my phone, he grabbed my face tenderly with his black metal armored glove and yanked my hair.

"Hey, SP, you had better not cancel my date as that makes me REALLY ANGRY..... and then well I can not be held accountable for anything I might do to you as a wee punishment. Got it, Sweet Pea? "

Gulp. Crikey.

"Who me, never. I am totally reliable, I am counting the days till I spike you, I mean see you again, my Hellraiser Halloween Hunk. Only three thousand seconds to go till we meet again, Darling."

"Cool.I'm thirsty. All this talking and negotiating with you has drained me, I am exhausted. I'm going for a cold beer. See ya next week, and don't forget to wear black. I hate any color but black on my girls and if you do forget, I get REALLY ANGRY,so just don't forget. Got it, Honeysuckle?"

What have I got myself into now, I thought whilst outwardly smiling in the most charming obedient way , "I got it, loud and clear, my whole wardrobe is black anyway," I lied," Sexy Spike, so it is no problem at all. Just two thousand and eighty seconds left and counting.."
He grunted, apparantly appeased, through his mask and marched off with a wide striding manly, delighted (I hope) spring in his step, to get himself a cold beer, pushing the other terrified drinkers at the bar out of his way like flies with one deft swipe, though how he intended to drink that beer beats me.

Folding me into his arms he kissed me goodnight, well he rubbed my face gently like a wee eskimo, with his razer sharp porcupine spikes. For that quality of loving I can endure a little rash, that is what make up is for. I rushed off to call my girlfriends and tell them the exciting news.

"Yes," I confessed, "I loved it, I have two eyes so we are all good".

In one dramatic sweep he lifted me off the ground and into his arms.

Wow, I thought, melting into his strong muscly gloved arms, this Hellraiser Halloween hunk is a total knock out, wait till the Unit( my girls) hear about this. But how does one kiss him without punching a hole in one's lipstick or loosing a contact lens, I never worried about that type of thing before , this is certainly new. And fun.

"Look you chump, watch your p's and q's, do you know to whom you are speaking? I am the SP and if you want to be banished from this fair city you are certainly going the right way about it with your insolent tone."

(Two can play at that game, I thought, see how he likes a Manly SP to deal with himself.)

"All I wanted was a date, now I am swiftly going off the whole idea, due to your ungentlemanly behavior." I said in as scolding a fashion as I could muster.

"Oh why didn't you say so. Come closer and let me look at you, it is hard to see you through all these spikes.." He pulled me so close he spiked me on the forehead, barely missing my left eye.

"Ouch, be careful, that hurt." I said, trying to manoeuvre out of his strong grip.

"But did you like it?," he whispered huskily into my ear.

"Are you implying I have acne, lady. C'mere. How dare you insult me, you hardly even know me. Plus this is a Black only party and that skirt has red, green and blue all over it. Can't you follow the party dress code, you twit?"

"Who me? Never." I replied.

I must say he had a way of addressing me that although menacing in tone, was sexy and commanding and by gum, Manly with a capital M.

"Ask him yourself,"Shara replied,"but watch out his spikes are super sharp. Also you have to get down on your knees to ask him, he is peculiar about that type of thing, a stickler for politeness."

Isn't this kind of the wrong way round, I thought to myself, surely he gets down on HIS knees to ask me for a date, I am the SP after all.

But undeterred by I did as bid.

"Mr Hellraiser, you look adorable in your spiky pants, how do you wash them, do things get stuck on them when you are walking down the street as that could probably become annoying? Are you currently suffering from any nasty skin ailments as I know a great dermatologist."

I couldn't quite ask him for a date as truthfully I was still too hung up on the he should ask me way of thinking but I figured these questions might act as a good ice breaker.

After my magical kiss with the Pink Fairy Godmother at the Kostume Kult Fallen Angel Party and my complete dismal lack of success in securing my own real live Doggy Date, the best I could muster was buying a fake one in the Puma Store, (we are sleeping together at least) I decided with Halloween coming up, it was time to find a real manly man who would sweep me off my feet, and so I went scouring the New York party scene to see who or what was out there.

At a very hot party on Lafayette Street I saw, with great envy, that my good friend Shari had beat me to it. She, not I, was being literally swept off her feet by a mysterious, strong, super fit, super toned yummy Hellraiser Halloween hunk with a spiky pair of trousers on. He had a matching porqupine face mask hat contraption on which made me wonder if he was a stylish trend setter or suffering from a terrible skin complaint. Shari looked quite delighted to be in his arms, she obviously had no worries that the possible skin affliction might be contagious.

"Shari, who or what is this porcupine man thing, who is holding you so delicately, and is he possibly available or even rentable on Halloween night for a date with the SP? I love the way he practices his weight training by lifting you up and down, he strikes me as a good old fashioned Manly Man, I thought that species was pretty much extinct."

Shari replied most generously," My SP, this young chap is my little brother, why not ask him yourself, go on be brave, just do not get too close as his spikes are razer sharp and no under the mask you will see his skin is smooth and peachlike, so have no fears...."

This little one was left, not my original choice but he'll do and I ran in, pushed the other ladies aside nicely and went straight to the front of the queue. "That one in the window with the pink ears, please."

"Good choice" the shopkeeper lady said." and he is the last one. "

The girls that I had pushed out my way , so as I could be front in line scowled at me. " I wanted that one," I heard one of them say, " in an angry whisper, " Who does she think she is..."

But I didn't care a whit. This town is all about survival of the fittest.

Deep in thought, I took another look in the window. On second thoughts, that wee white fluffy fake dog was kind of adorable.

I crept in and joined the line of ladies, with my head down hoping no one would recognize me, and more importantly no one would pick my dog before I did. But wouldn't you bloody know the girl bang in front of me took my dog. I was totally bummed. Just my luck. I stomped out the store even more disgusted than when I went in.

I was standing at the window, gazing in pure horror, at the Pretender Puma Dogs when a pretty lady in a pink sweater who had just been to Wholefoods, saw one and gasped' "OOOhh, I love it, look at the little lassie Doggy Date in the window. I want one. I must get one for my room mate too, she's going to love that cutey grumpy Bulldoggy. I wonder how much is that doggy in the window?"

In she ran. Joyfully. Wait, I wanted to cry out. These Puma Pretender Dogs are tacky. Hold out for the real thing. But it was too late. When I peered in the window, I saw the store was quite full of such ladies picking out their very own fake Doggy Dates. They all looked happy so who was I to stop them.

Puma was offering fake Doggy Dates for ladies a bit like me who had no luck actually securing thier own real live Doggy Date. They even came with their own leads and everything so you just bought one and in typical American Style you were good to go. No cleaning up live poo. No training required. No dog hairs on your Prada coat. The little mites even had their own little fake cute/ grouchy personalities. Sick. Not for me. At least the Vicky Secret SP Free Mini Dogs were not pretending to be anything. They were just cute little gimmicks, not like these pretender dogs.

It was like buying fake flowers. Rather distastful I thought.

On my home from work tonight I was totally astonished. Puma, the fancy store on Broadway and 15th Street were showing trendy girls out on Doggy Dates in their windows in order to sell thier bags and sweaters. Well I never.

I love it, I love it. I want my own SP Free Mini Doggy Date. Pushing all the other customers aside, I ran into Victoria's Secret and purchased a leopard skin wonder bra push up thingmy jig of my own and soon I too was the owner of my very own SP Free Mini Doggy Date.

(Just as well as so far I actually have had not one spot of luck in actually finding a Doggy to take me out on my own Doggy date which is ever so embarrassing as my readers keep asking me, "SP why all this writing about Doggy Dates and you don't have one of your own? Are you a Doggist? " Who me , heavens no. I just didn't find the right one yet. I am trying, just not succeeding. For some reason not one dog answered my personal ad in the New Yorker. The Doggys are all rejecting my raw organic veggie chews, they do not like my accent, they dont like my taste in restuarants, who knows what is up with them. Personally, I do not know what gives them the right to be so picky. But finally I do have my own Doggy Date, he just happens to be a mini version. He fits right in my pocket too and I can take him anywhere and no one will complain. Thank you, thank you Vicy Secret, You came right in time.)

How adorable, look at all the Victoria Secrets Free Mini Dogs.

Aawwww, You shouldn't have. In my honor all the Free Mini Dogs were sporting minature Scottish tartan jackets.

It is wonderful to be so loved in NYC, that the Vicy Secret designers make a very new hot and fabulous fashion collection in honor of your blog. I find it quite touching, I really do. Sob, sniffle. Sometimes you just can't beat being me.

Of course the first ones to see the money making potential in this whole Doggy Date fever are the stores!

Victoria Secrets now offer anyone who buys their latest leopard spots push up cleavage enhancing wonder bra a free pair of matching sexy underwear for THEIR DOG. And for the very sad lonely ones out there, you know who you are, who had no luck managing to get a Doggy Date on thier own, don't worry because right here at Victoria Secrets you can get a FREE MINI DOG all for yourself.

Crikey. I guess doggy dating is kosher now if the shops are catering to the Doggy Dollar. Never mind the Pink Pound or the Gay Dollar, if there is a such a thing, window shopping is now being slanted towards catching the eye of the Trendy Doggies and Doggy Daters in this town. Gosh, the power of my blog to create such a craze, well what can I say. SP loyal readers go and enjoy your Doggy Dates and take a trip to Victoria Secrets if you want to buy your D Date something a little special shall we say, let's just leave it at that.

Ah Good Old Monday morning. The Fallen Angel party and my magical adventure with the delicious Pink Fairy Godmother seems a million miles away. Back to work. My angel wings safely back in the cupboard I venture off with a spring in my step( at least, finally) to work, crossing Union Square downtown.

Wouldn't you know it, no doubt thanks to my world famous blog, Doggy Date Fever is everywhere in New York City. The old, the young, everyone seems to have a beloved doggy by their side.

I was gathering up my black wings, rather tearfully I might add, and preparing to make the long lonely flight home alone when the Pink Fairy Godmother held out her magic wand and stopped me in my tracks.

"What about me, I will make your wish come true, cheer up, look not one bit further. I bet you never even thought about me? But you should, in fact I command you to. "

" Command me to do what? " I asked her/him hesitatingly.

"Just close your eyes and prepare for some magic. Stand Tight."

So I did.

Well who can say no when commanded by your very own Pink FairyGodmother.

And it was.......

All of a sudden I heard a loud "Coooeeeeeeeeee, Luvee, over here! " coming from my Pink Fairy godmother who was doing some strange version of the Can Can to attract my attention.

Skeleton Sam said, " SP, You can come home with us if you want, we live in New Jersey, it is only a 20 minute cab across the river."

"No way", I replied, " I said my guy has to have a pulse at the very least so you are out." ( Besides,I don't do New Jersey) I said to myself in brackets.

"My lovely Pink FairyGodmother," I sobbed in depair," please can you tell me why I always go home alone at the end of a party, even the Devil took off without me and he seemed really keen to grab me in the first part of the night.

Is it something I said? I 've changed my mind. I'll take a Fallen Silver Winged Angel, an Egyptian Doggy Man, the Blue Wizard, even Dave the Dirty Devil. I am fed up with that depressing cab ride aback to the East Village alone AGAIN," I howled desperately into his ear, with one eye casting around to see if anyone decent was left. Anyone, anything with a pulse...

Yes, it was that bewitching hour when anything can happen to anyone...

All the angels were getting hot and heavy but me.

By the end of the night it looked like the whole room had found a significant other of some sort of variety but me.

So the dancing went on into the wee hours and sure enough Dave the Devil seemed to disappear into the smoke. I guess he did not fancy being a slug.